Monday, March 3, 2008

Aliens Among Us!!

Why do we use the word 'alien' for both Martian creatures with green, slimy skin and REALLY big heads AND anyone who isn't from America, but who lives here or wants to??

Another conundrum for me. Isn't everyone an alien really? I mean, I just don't think this planet was meant to have humans on it in the first place. Look how we've fucked it up, for pity's sake! Even the Native Indians in America came from somewhere else, right. They didn't just pop up in New Mexico or Arizona. A long time ago, one of them living in South America or Russia said to her parents, "Fuck you! I AM going to marry Wushnu, and we're leaving!!!" Then, they found their way to our neck of the woods, had a baby who had two babies and the rest is our history.

Seems simple to me. And, I have to tell you that I DO believe in extraterrestrials! There are just waaaaaaay too many 'normal' people who have seen them and even be kidnapped by them! Lest you think I'm completely insane, I do NOT believe that their skin is green and slimy or that their heads are REALLY big, but only the human abductees know, and they're too messed up by it to sound believable.

It makes me laugh at the thought of how we all want to live in a wonderful town, but when anyone else wants to move to our town, it's "Lock the doors! Don't let'em in!" I feel that way about all the young Californians who have moved to our town. They honk in traffic and drive too fast and don't say thank you and sound funny when they speak. They want our town to be more like California. We're too set in our ways arount hyar, I reckon, but bring 'em own, we'll put boots on 'em and toughen 'em up till they're usin' bob-wire for dental floss!!

I say, come one, come all, but please don't honk!


I know, I know you think Californians are aliens, KK but did you ever think that maybe it's the other way around? When I moved here from Hollywood exactly one year ago it felt like I was on another planet. Culture shock for a die-hard lover of all things Hollywood. You Texans seemed like aliens to me. I found myself in a land where people are patient of blue-haired drivers, Mexican food doesn't involve truffles and cats live freely outside. You were the aliens, not I.

First of all, it seems that every one here in Austin who is complaining about all of the changes downtown, the huge cranes going up like giant praying mantises and the condo mania is blaming it all on the Californians. Hey, you guys let this happen and to tell you the truth, I love it. I see opportunity in every direction. I like the energy of the city, it makes me want to get dressed up in Ralph Lauren, blue striped shirts and pearls and take a meeting. It makes me want to make a cold-call to Sandra Bullock and ask her if she wants my recipe for chitlins.

I am an alien because I realized on about my third day here that I'm a Texan too. After 28 years in New Mexico and then six in Hollywood, I had simply forgotten. It all came back to me when I realized that the water in Barton Springs isn't too cold for me, the salsa at Maude's isn't too hot for me and I never really liked acting like 'a professional' in the first place. I'm just gonna stay here in Austin from now on and be an alien with you guys. It's more fun than a barrel of armadillos.


Christine said...


now onto this alien thing. I don't believe in aliens. and I don't think the californians are to blame for the cranes in downtown austin, I'm going to pin that on houston & dallas and like salgal, I think it's a good thing
kinda sorta

but here's the deal that californians and any other aliens who move to austin need to figure out...quit saying you like austin because it's NOT AT ALL like the rest of Texas. That is condescending and rude and real Texans are in love with the whole damn state

and quit honking

Anonymous said...

Hey - Does this include Tilda Swinton? I think she's an alien.....

Cawfeeland Washington


Dear Gals:
This has nothing to do with your post, but I just wanted to say to you... enjoy the ancient one!

In the last 7 days I lost my m-i-law unexpectedly; she always treated me like her daughter,no better; {we only had 1 disagreement in 32 yrs (REALLY) and I should have listened to her then}and admitted my mom today for evaluation to determine if she is "READY" for the alzheimers unit.

I love your column, keep up the good work. You guys help the rest of us cope in this screwed up part of life we are calling middle age. Some day I will write my memoirs of how our loving ancient ones drive us to the brink and then remind us why we love them. Until then... keep blogging!

Happy Birthday KK

The Pink Queen