Saturday, May 16, 2015

Soon...Summertime Fun!! Pish Posh

And, HERE are many reasons why we settled on moving to PARADISE!!

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Original posting from July 8, 2011:

If I were to make a list of fun things to do this summer in central Texas, it would be short:

STAY INSIDE WHERE IT’S COOL.

Some people just don’t listen. Sal and I see those whose minds have completely left them, jogging in the afternoon when the temperature hovers around, well, it’s going to be 103 degrees here today. They don’t care.  Human beings were not meant to run any further than the ‘flight or fight’ trajectory.  Run just as long as it takes to escape the predator, which is usually not 26.5 MILES.

If you want to escape the summer heat...well, let’s see...you can’t, because global warming is doing away with lovely, cool breezes in the shade anywhere.  And, don’t go to Arizona...with the behemoth dust storms.  You could go to New Mexico...no...wait...they’re having fires all over the state, so breathing would be difficult.  There’s always Montana for a little fishing, just as soon as they clean up that pesky oil spill in the river...you’ll have to wait a bit...say...20 or 30 years.

You’ll want to skip the middle part of the country altogether because of the floods.  The standing water has produced mosqweetos the size of dung beetles, but at least there is water in that area...plenty enough to fill your canteen while you continue to look for the perfect location for some summertime fun.  You could go to the Carolinas, but you’d better hurry, because it’s hurricane season, and those people are usually in the line of fire where gales are concerned. 

I say go to Europe, but stay abreast of when the next Greenland volcano will erupt, because that will surely screw up your air travel plans.  How about Mexico?  Or, the middle east? Oh, nevermind.  And, the earthquakes would give me pause when considering South America...besides, it’s winter there, but it would be cool.

I’m exhausted from all this virtual travel.  A martini, cigarette and Sal’s company on the porch in the hot shade of an evening is about as ambitious as I can get these days.

KK
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We could go lie down nekked on the tomatoes in the HEB produce department.  That’s about all I can come up with.  How about a cruise to see the glaciers in Greenland?  Well, that might not be too safe.  Apparently chunks of ice as big as Elizabeth Taylor’s diamonds are breaking off and falling into the ocean.  That sounds depressing.  I think I would rather go watch mud slides in Malibu.

It is just too hot here.  I hate it.  People here in Texas are crazy.  Even when the temperature is 103, you can still see the trailer park food trucks passing out fried avocados and red velvet cupcakes to the throngs of thong-wearing, tee-shirted idiots who still think there is a reason to go out for lunch in what amounts to a preheated OVEN!   The thongs I’m referring to are those rubber ones that come in all colors and can be found flopping under the consistently red-painted toenails of any Texas woman with a brain and disdain for style.  We saw a guy riding his bicycle up Shoal Creek road the other day, wearing the other kind of thong, which was so small the back strap had completely disappeared inside his butt crack.  He had Jesus hair and running shoes with knee-high brown socks and nothing else.  That’s what the heat will do to ya – make you completely, fucking wacko.

Yes, it’s Friday night in Austin and a cocktail and a smoke on the front porch sounds like the ticket.  After that, KK will go stand in her bathroom exactly 28 inches from the sink and 3 feet from the back wall.  That’s were the air conditioning vent blows hardest and coldest in the house.  She made the mistake of showing me that.  This time, when I push her out of the way of that blast of delicious, cold air, I will try not to break her other arm.

Oh, come on, it was an accident!
SalGal

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Calling all you MOTHERS in Heaven!

“Hello...Mother?”

“Which Mother do you want to speak to, honey?  We have a LOT of mothers here in Heaven.  You’ll have to be more specific, and I don’t have all day.  Actually, I do have all day and all of eternity, but I’m really busy, so just give me a name.”

“Sheesh.  I didn’t realize there was a switchboard in Heaven.  How fantastic!  Just look up The Ancient One.  Believe me, there’s only one person who fits those parameters.”

“Connecting you now......please hold, and have a nice life.  See you when you’re ready...unless the Devil get’s you first, nyuck, nyuck, tee hyar hyar.”

“KK?  OH...MY...GOD!  And, wait until you see HIM!  Why, he looks just like the God that that adorable Michelangelo painted on the Sistine Chapel.  I’m running off to play mahjong, sweetie, what can I do for you?”

“Well, Mother...I wanted to know how you’re doing, catch you up on goings on down here on earth and just have a nice long chat.”

“Oh Kelly, my darling.  I KNOW everything and see everything and it’s all just marvelous, what you’re doing, how you and Sal are getting along, the amazing things that are going to come The Midlife Gals’ way.  Once they de-veined me of all the judgments I used to have about everything, I have never been happier...EVER!  Oh, and that beautiful male cardinal you saw just outside your window not long ago...that was I.  Hee, hee...just checking in.”

“I KNEW IT!  I knew that was you.  So, that was my only visitation?  A bird?  Should I go to a medium if I want a really long visitation?”

“Hell no!  That’s just bells and whistles...same thing as in church with all the incense and the hoo ha.  We do like the choirs though.  Just see me in everything you do, say or feel, and I’ll get the message.  Listen, I’ve just got to go.  I’m so late and don’t want the shuttle to leave without me.  Oh, and your Daddy sends his utmost love.  Ta Ta!!”

“WHOA, WAIT a minute!  Daddy is there?  And, you’re together again?  And, he’s a handsome 38-year-old, just like he was when he died?  Don’t hang up!  I need more information!!”

“Miss?  Sorry, The Ancient One, being new around here, is just way behind on everything.  She’s got a lot to learn about the way we do things up here.  We can’t seem to shut her up...all the time laughing and giggling and dancing with your Daddy.  She’s a mess, but we’re SO happy to have her.”

“Well...........okay then.  Thanks very much.  Tell her we love and miss her!”

KK
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I’m tempted to buy a Mother’s Day card for The Ancient One, even though she’s not here anymore.  I mean, she’s here…but not ‘here’ here.  Does Hallmark have greeting cards for mothers who are in the outer-body experience?  What would they say?  “Thanks, Mom, for teaching me how to make Hollandaise Sauce.”  No, I don’t think they have Hollandaise Sauce in the spirit world.  I once heard that’s why everybody up there wants to come be here in the three-dimensional world of tasty delights.  No more Eggos, Fritos, or cream-chipped beef for The Ancient One.  But I don’t think she really minds.  She would rather dance with Frank Jackson and play with Puddin,’ her favorite Airedale who died in 1991.

No, it would not be fair to put a picture of any kind of food on the front of the Deceased-Mother’s-Day Hallmark card.  It might remind them of what they are missing.  Maybe the card should say something like, “Dearest Mom - Hope you are having fun in heaven.  Wish you were here.”  What with earthquakes, volcanoes, and ‘Survivor,’ maybe you should be glad you’re not.

Happy Mother’s Day, Deedles.

And please tell grandma Bapoo that I still use her recipe for baked bananas.

SalGal

Sunday, March 8, 2015

It's the Little Things You Notice...

Ever been in a packed elevator, standing behind someone who, although they probably bathed that morning...has not washed their hair in about 6 days?  It’s that ‘odor’ that permeates the immediate space around them...and anyone who is close enough to have a conversation.  I hate to say this, but it’s usually the mens who are guilty of this personal hygiene offense.  Guys, if you take the time to shave, WASH YOUR HAIR!

And, how about the person with whom you are conversing exhibiting that little string of saliva that goes from their top center lip to their bottom center lip.  It is impossible not to laser focus on that string.  It’s morbidly fascinating to watch as they talk, because you’re waiting for the string to break or just go away.  You want them to simply lick their lips, which would eliminate the problem, but they never do.  I have often been tempted to just reach to their mouth and peench it OFF!

Ear hair is bothersome to me...I mean, I don’t have ear hair...but I notice it on those who do...again...usually men.  It’s such a shame that there is no way to use a mirror to look into your ear.  You know who you are though, so buy one of those laser thingys that they sell for $19.95 on TV and get rid of your ear hair.  It’s just offputting.

Finally, don’t ever sniff your fingers while you’re talking to someone.  It doesn’t matter where those fingers have been.  This is just not something that one does in polite company. I used to ‘know someone’ who frequently rubbed his ear lobe, then sniffed his thumb and forefinger as they were pinched together.  It’s not something you can ask them about...”Honey, why do you sniff your fingers like that?”  I’ve just never been curious about how an ear lobe smells.

These are but a few, select, disgusting curiosities that have always intrigued me.  And you are probably, at this very moment, thinking of a few of your own!

Kelly
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I notice the big things.  I especially notice when big, fat women wear really tight Spandexish tank tops and shorts.  They have just given up.  Their muffin rolls around their wastes are bulging out, their arm fat is hanging down behind them to touch the roll, and they look like they are just proud as punch to be the biggest hippopotamus on the beer isle at ‘Safeway.’  Come on!  Have some pride!  I’m overweight too but I cover up my muffins with linen shirts, and I wouldn’t be caught dead in a pair of shorts.  You have so much cellulite on your thighs that it jiggles like the lime Jello you made for your Bubba-hubby for lunch at the Frisbee park.  So you think, ‘Oh, I know, I’ll just put on those day-glo, yellow, beach trunks that my man bought at the Disney Land gift shop in 1973,’ and hit the Safeway store for the afternoon’s daily sustenance.

I hate feet.  I have never seen a pretty pair of feet.  It seems like every person with funky toes and crusty heels feels like they need to wear flip flops so that everybody can see their contorted feet.  Sorry people, but putting on a pair of jewel-encrusted flip flops is not going to help the fact that your feet look like a commercial for toe-mold jelly.  Put some shoes on for God’s sake!  Or at least put on some sandals that cover up that bunion that looks like the blunt end of a hammerhead.  I don’t want to see it sticking out from under the red-and-white-checked, plastic, table cloth while I’m trying to order baby-back ribs at Tony Roma’s.

And finally, women, after you take a nap in your Barco Lounger while snoozing through ‘The View,’ and you decide to run to the dry cleaners to pick up your 86-year-old mother’s 27 house dresses, remember to fluff out the back of your hair so that your bald spot doesn’t show and your hair isn’t flattened into what looks like a crop circle.  It just bugs me.

Try harder to present yourself to the world in a way that is marginally acceptable.  I’m just sayin.’

Salgal

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Valentine's Day, Shmalentine's Day

Don’t you worry about The Midlife Gals.  We always have BIG plans for Valentine’s Day.  So, go to your parties, have your romantic dates...even have SEX if you want to, really, we’re so alright.  We have um...each other.


Just get a load of our um homage to Valentine's Day in the video to your right on this page.  Join us for the day's hi-jinx!

XOXOXOXOX
KK and Sal

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Get a Glass of Chianti and Poke Around

Just so you all know...The Midlife Gals aren't just Fly-By-Nighters, here.  We have chops and a small but rabid following!  Cases in point:


  THE MIDLIFE GALS ®  Hysterical History / Resume

July, 2007 - We didn’t know what a blog was.
August, 2007 - Posted our first essay on The Midlife Gals ® blog
October, 2007 - Approached by MORE Magazine about featuring us in an article.
January, 2008 - MORE Magazine article on the stands with our feature as one of four blogs mentioned / Women of the Blogosphere, page 30  / Jan/Feb issue.
March, 2008 - Entered video contest for The Greenlight Awards through an online video company, On Networks which was represented at the South by Southwest Film Festival.
March, 2008 - Selected as one of four finalists for The Greenlight Award in the category of best original digital series concept for the videos we produce of ourselves on The Midlife Gals ® blog.
April, 2008 - Approached by a very large online health network, The Health Central Network, to produce humorous videos and blogs for their website.   http://www.healthcentral.com/stop-smoking/c/55817/profile
April 2008 - Our video, ‘The Jazzy Scooter Barrel Race’ won runner-up award and was featured on the Emmy award-winning program, Docubloggers.
April, 2008 - Wrote, produced and acted in a fifteen-minute situation comedy pilot, The Cowpoke’s Ball, based on The Midlife Gals ® for network and/or cable distribution.
May, 2008 - Interviewed for large article in local newspaper, Masters of Their Domain / June, 08 issue / The Austin American Statesman.
August, 2008 – Asked by the Director of Programming to host a weekly, one- hour radio show, ‘The Midlife Gals; Necessary Insanity,’ on BlogTalkRadio  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/TheMidlifeGals
September, 2008 – Signed with literary agent, Frank Breeden of Premiere Authors for our book, The Midlife Gals; Necessary Insanity.
November, 2008 – Article in Austin American Statesman / social column, “Out and About” about The Midlife Gals’ fame.
December, 2008 – The Midlife Gals’ website featured as one of Austin’s best websites / Austin Monthly magazine / Keep Austin Wired / page 134 / Dec. issue.
December, 2008 – Launch of new YouTube video show , The Midlife Gals; Necessary Insanity.  Think Carol Burnet on meth.
December, 2008 – KK and Sal acted in an independent film, “Ultimate’s Guide to Flight,” directed by Scott Meyers of Entertainment Think Tank.
March, 2009 – The Midlife Gals video picked as part of Reel Women’s film showcase at South by Southwest Film Festival, Austin, TX.
April, 2009 – Asked to be regular writers for More Magazine online.
May, 2009. Also producing and starring in a weekly twisted video column for More.
September, 2009 – Featured as two of Austin American Statesman’s “Fortunate 500” (media category).
February, 2010 – Featured in two national commerciasl for Charter Communications
March, 2010 – Two videos in SouthSlam Festival during SXSW, Austin, TX.
Awards - ”Best Slapstick Comedy”  -
and “Best Situational Comedy” – Dating in the Eighties Dot Com - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCfrnSiz57E  
March, 2010 – Featured in an article in the Wall Street Journal/March 27th/”When Siblings Step Up” http://tinyurl.com/yjesd6a
April, 2010 – Featured in Austin Monthly magazine/page 96/”How to Be Happy in Midlife”
July, 2010 – In an Internet commercial for AOL Travel.com
September, 2010 – Part of ensemble cast In an indie film, The Man From Orlando
October, 2010 – Part of ensemble cast in movie, Ultimate Guide to Flight, premiering at Austin Film Festival / director-Scott Meyers
November, 2010 – On Good Morning America in the video series: Your Three Words (disguised as sisters!)
November, 2010 – Featured in Boston Globe about caregiving, with our video Caregiving The Ancient One:
March, 2011 – Part of an ensemble cast in movie, Day of Delusions / director-Scott Meyers
October, 2011  - AUSTIN AMERICAN STATESMAN / Nominated again for Michael Barnes’ “Out & About 500” most influential Austinites - Media category
December, 2011 -  AUSTIN AMERICAN STATESMAN / Tales of The City feature: Essays by the Midlife Gals on our impending move to Hawaii
February, 2012 – Featured in a Purina Cat Chow national Internet commercial
April, 2012 – Interview and article with The Midlife Gals on large site, SecondActs.com…’The Midlife Gals Take Hawaii’ http://www.secondact.com/2012/04/the-midlife-gals-take-hawaii/
November, 2012 - The Midlife Gals partner with national grass roots group, NoLabels.org to make funny videos about politics and all the things that don’t work...should be a piece of cake.
December, 2012Featured on PBS from Growing Bolder website TV show about boomers.  We’re 10 mins 13 secs into the show. http://tv.growingbolder.com/episodes/on-a-mission/
April, 2013 – Asked to become core video contributors for new baby boomer women’s video website, WHOA! Network, launched by Lynn Forbes of BlogHer and Darryl Pollack.
July, 2013 – Interviewed by Feisty Side of Fifty on BLogTalkRadio. http://feistysideoffifty.com/2013/07/12/the-midlife-gals/ 

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Everyone is making resolutions, and we’re certainly not to be left out of that exercise.  We had a pretty spectacular 2014, and anticipating a brilliantly positive 2015...why?  Because WE CAN!

I resolve:

1. to visualize, when the trade winds are blowing me off my feet, the palm trees are doin’ the hula 

2. to be patient with SalGal when she tells me the same story for the 63rd time, knowing that the story I just told her, which triggered her old story, was one that I had told her at least 141 times before. 


3. to keep in my memory bank the feelings of what it’s like to have a crush...with a flush in the cheek, the adrenaline, loss of appetite...and the seventeen red flags that come with another ‘wrong’ man.


4. to welcome every new wrinkle, skin tag, mole, brown spot, stray hair where it most certainly shouldn’t be, swollen ankle, toe bending in a new direction, abscessed gum and/or new acreages of cellulite.

5. to stop myself from straightening paintings in other people’s homes.

6. to start paying more attention to signs...both on the roads and in my head.

7. to wish more, stifle less.

8. to broaden my scope, embracing every new experience with arms open and a full scream of ‘BRING IT ON!!”

9. to have more faith that we humans can actually save the planet.

10. to always see magical shapes in the clouds

.......There!  That ought to do it, serve me well, keep me sane and allow for modifications and/or expansions as the new year progresses!

KK
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New Year’s Resolutions are a drag.  I make them but I’m not making any promises.  A resolution is a decision, a determination, a solution, an expression of collective opinion…nowhere does its definition mention anything about a promise.  I’m just sayin’.

1.I will do my feet and toenails more often. Middle-aged feet are really ugly…gargoylish.  Heel balm and ‘Dragon’s Blood Red’ do wonders if you stay on top of it.

2.I will not cheat as much on the New York Times crossword puzzles.


3.I will erase most of the original ‘Twilight Zone’ shows on the DVR so that KK can get ‘The CBS Sunday Morning Show,’ ‘Meet The Press’ and ‘Locked Up Abroad’ back on the list.

4.I will not get mad at bad drivers.  They can’t help it if they’re stupid.  I just have to watch out for them and have ‘aloha.’

5.I will not put so much salt on my popcorn at the movies.

Okay, fuck it, that’s it. I’m done.

SalGal

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Happy TurkleweenThanksmas!


 
Here's a post that is bothly timely and universal (November 2010)


You’ve probably bought your turkey for Thanksgiving by now, yes?  Good, because these holidays happen FAST!  Before you’ve even dismantled the blow-up pumpkin with Casper inside, it’s time to buy the rust-colored fake dry leaves to adorn the Thanksgiving table where the turkey will make its appearance...for about 3.5 minutes before it too will be ‘dismantled’ into our stomachs until there are only bones left.  I realize that was kind of a long sentence, but it’s like these holidays...they just go on and on, bleeding into each other until Jan 1...after the black-eyed peas have been presented and devoured for good luck.  Then, and only then can we really relax.

I advise everyone to just wear black during these holidays.  That way, you can adorn yourself with accessorized color depending on which holiday.  Black and orange for Halloween...given.  Save the orange and mix it with rust, dull green and chocolate brown and you’re good to go with your black outfit for T’Day.  And, the black will be the perfect backdrop for the ridiculous Christmas tree brooches, tree light necklaces and candy cane leggings.  We’ve all just gone too far, wouldn’t you agree???

It’s really difficult to explain holidays to cats.  They are stupefied by a pumpkin and insulted by the requisite scary black cat with its back arched around All Hallow’s Eve.  They wind up on the kitchen counter eating every scrap available as we’re at the Thanksgiving table doing the same thing, but with forks.  And, the only thing they like about Christmas are the empty gift boxes and the tissue strewn all over the room.  They just don’t understand why we don’t leave all that stuff out every day.  You can’t explain interior decoration to them either...goes right over their tiny heads.

So, if you haven’t started feeling overwhelmed by the dizzying holiday seasons, you’re behind!  Get stressed, pissed off, bah-humbugged before it’s too late!

KK
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Oh, I love the holidays too.  That’s partly because I love empty boxes (especially decorated ones), sneaking bites of the turkey left on the kitchen counter, and playing with new toys.  The cats and I are exactly alike.  If I could hide in a box or take a long nap in a shaft of sunlight, I would do that too.

I put a scary witch and some spiders on the screen door for Halloween.  KK told me I was really lame, but she doesn’t’ understand how much fun it is to scare little kids.  I wish we could scare little kids at Thanksgiving too, but I’ll just have to settle for a pumpkin by the front door and a six-foot-tall-blow-up turkey in the front yard.  Decorations are a must for all holidays, as Austin needs to uphold its reputation for weirdness, and all of its denizens must contribute to this tradition.  Any kind of yard-art or door-wreath plasticity is highly encouraged by the population of this city.  Televisions perched in trees are a mainstay for Christmas decorations and if yours actually turns on, you are considered a genius.

I look forward to Christmas and all of its good cheer and fake snow in the windows downtown.  Of course, people in Austin go all out to celebrate the birth of Jesus, and Santa Claus seems to embody this festivity more than nativity scenes on the lawns or even lit-up ‘Our Lady of Guadalupes’ in the windows.  I hate Santa Claus…mainly because I sat in the lap of one when I was about three years old and his stale, smokey, bourbon breath almost knocked me into the fake bag of presents by the elf.  Even worse than that though was the fact that he had black stubble under his white beard, and then he handed me a scary doll that made me think of my best friend’s mother.  That was not good.  My best friend’s mother looked like Ed Sullivan.

But I digress.  I need to go into the decoration box in the garage and pull out the three-foot-tall papier mache monk holding the cornucopia overflowing with gourds and berries, and put the Christmas lights around him and put him in the window so people can see how involved we are in the holiday spirit.  Then I ‘m going to go hide in a box and lick my cat’s head.

SalGal