Wednesday, October 29, 2014

TRICK OR TREAT, DAMMIT!

Original posting Friday, October 29, 2010

Oh goodie! A full day dedicated to scaring small children! Sal and I don’t usually wait until Halloween to scare the wee ones. And, we’re immune to guilt, accusation or shame, because we’re childless by choice.

We know it’s not right to scare children, especially the very small, defenseless, trusting ones. If we were mentally stable, we would be remorseful the next day, but that hasn’t happened yet. Unfortunately, now-a-days, the parents feel compelled to accompany their children while trick or treating. That’s just wrong. Our parents were out at Halloween parties in fully frightful yet stylish costumes, drinking and smoking, with nary a moment given wondering what horrors their children were being exposed to. That was the fifties. Nobody cared. They assumed that the world (or west Texas in our case) was not a dangerous place. They were right. We were out being scared shitless by the whack-a-doos (much like SalGal and I), who lived for this date, who worked on their costumes, dry-ice smoke wafting across the porch, zombies creeping up on them before they could even get to the door, etc. It’s a sad commentary, isn’t it, when you can’t let your children out for a night of life-altering fear? It shapes a person.

 Love, KK **************************

 I love Halloween, the little, baby bumblebees, the neighborhood witches, the local zombies. And then there are the kids in their costumes. Good times. I have gone to the grocery store and stocked up on orange Reese’s Peanut Butter cups and eyeball jawbreakers. Later tomorrow I will get the candy for the kids. Oh, and the vodka. It’s just more fun with a martini next to the giant Jack-O-Lantern I got for the front window. And, I figure I can put a red light in it and white beard and Santa hat and use it again for Christmas.

It’s all about ‘gaudy’ as far as holiday decorations are concerned, and I am not one to be left out of the artistic displays of lit-up tackiness. The neighbors down the street have a huge, blow-up decoration in their front yard. It’s a big, Casper the ghost with a gigantic pumpkin. This is good because, but for these audacious balloon monstrosities, the teenagers would have no fun at all on Halloween night. I wish I could go with them when they sneak out of their windows in the dead of night to prowl around the hood, puncturing all of the blow-up decorations and toilet-papering the cheerleaders’ houses.

 Oh, yeah, we know who all the cheerleaders in the neighborhood are because their houses look like ghosts got shredded in the trees and their Jack-O-Lanterns have penises the next day. Come to think of it, screw the goblins and peacock toddlers, Halloween is really for teens….and women with martinis.

SalGal

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Happy July 4th!

Sal and I have been invited by our lesbyterian friend and her roomate to a 'Bat Bar-b-que! That's what we call 'em here in the A-Town, but lest you think we cook up bats and eat'em...ick!!!!!!, (although James did just that in the last Survivor season)...no, no, no! We'll WATCH the bats fly while we eat pigs and cows meat from the bar-b-que. Well, now that I describe it all that way, the whole thing sounds disgusting, doesn't it?

I can assure you that we WILL indulge! What some of you in the hinterlands might not know is that we have a bridge over the Colorado river that runs smack through the middle of our lovely downtown, and this particular bridge is the home to BILLIONS of Mexican Free Tail Bats. Every evening around dusk for several months of the year, they ALL fly out from underneath that bridge and head out all over town, around town, out of town and even uptown looking for mosqweetos on which to dine. Just so happens that our friends' house lies in the direct flight path of ascension for all the little beasties! So, while we're holding our baby back pork ribs in our greasy, sauced over hands, we are gawking at all the bats...so many bats that they look like black clouds moving really fast. This will be especially fun because we'll be all liquored up too!

Besides, I like to woman flirt with lysbyterians. I have an androgenousness (is that a word?) about me and they're drawn to me like moths to a flame...or maybe like bats to a mosqweeto. Eeenyway, they love me and I like to flirt with them. It keeps my hetero flirting skills in good working condition in case I should stumble over a really handsome, middle-aged man who has passed out in their front yard on his way home.

We will take photos and post them! Got out and eat pigs and cows and whoop it up!

KK

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One of the nicest Fourth of Julys I remember was when The Ancient One, KK and her Husband#3 and I had a holiday dinner at the Savoy in London. We had been out all day at the Tower of London looking at two-hundred year-old blood stains in the stones where people's heads were chopped off. When we got back to the hotel the floor manager had set a round table in our suite complete with sparklers stuck straight up in the potted ivy, little American flags and what we were assured was turkey and gravy. It really looked like roadkill with squirrel throw-up but we were gracious and ate it.

I have seen the bats fly from under the bridge many times but to tell you the truth they just look like birds to me. Lots and lots of birds. Their shit is called guano. Did you know that bat guano as fertilizer is the finest in the world and once was more expensive than gold? They actually had guano mines where really scruffy guys would go gather it when the bats flew out every night. You had to be careful though, because the bat urine is poisonous and they piss all over everything as they fly out of the caves and such. That's why the tour guides at Carlsbad Caverns tell you to close your mouth and eyes when they fly out of the main cave. Well...if you have to close your eyes then....okay whatever.

Once on the Fourth of July we had a party in Santa Fe and the lead actor of a major motion picture got so drunk he threw-up in our driveway.

I am very grateful to be an American and I can't wait to see the fireworks, toast the flag and close my mouth and eyes as the bats fly by. yipee, uh...can't wait...
SalGal

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Our latest on Health Central is up on their site!

Hehehe...the subject this month is 'Stopping Smoking,' about which we know a little more than most!

Click on the link below and go on over there. They've got a LOT of info on whatever ails you or whatever you wish ailed your worst enemy:

http://www.healthcentral.com/stop-smoking/midlife-gals.html


KK and Sal

Monday, June 30, 2008

Greetings!

BEFORE YOU READ THIS, SCROLL DOWN AND WATCH OUR YOGA VIDEO! It's right below this post.

Listen, we grew up in west Texas, ok?, so don't come at us if you intend to shake hands...with a bent hand that only grabs the ends of our fingers instead of the whole hand. You people who do that need to know that most of us, and I'll go so far as to say, ALL of us (because it's cyberspace and I can say whatever the hell I want to, right?)...want to SHAKE YOUR HAND...not your fingers! But, if you should come at us that prissy way, then just take our fingers up to your mouth and KISS OUR.....hand. At least it would be more dramatic. OK? Whew, now I feel all better because I've been fuming since we went to a dinner party last week and a grown man tried to shake hands with us that way. Why, we reemed him a new a-hole all the way home in the car with our denouncement of this style.

We may have long, skinny, bony hands, but we can shake your hand until you want to stop! It's just the way we learned growing up. Daddy used to close a deal with a handshake and I can still see my little bitty self with my head bent all the way back, staring up in awe at him with his big Daddy hands handing one to another Texan and then the both of them just shakin it out.

Here's another problem I have with greetings...the mouth kiss with juice on it. I don't kiss The Ancient One at all anymore because she always has 'mother juice' on her lips and it gets all over mine and makes me shake my head with queasiness as I wipe it off. Please close your mouths unless you're lovers or are trying to lick the lipstick off your woman's front tooth! Sal and I use the Eskimo nose kiss at the end of every day, and I kiss a few of my gal pals on the lips, but those puppies are closed tight and dry.

Please don't misunderstand me. Kissing is one of my most favorite things on earth, and frankly, for a woman with lips as thin as mine, I'm noted for being a damn good kisser, so you mens out there needn't fear me. I like to kiss men on the mouth when seeing one whom I know out and about. It always catches them off guard, and of course, I live to catch people 'off guard.'

My gal pals and I like to do the charicaturized 'air kiss' with each other like they do in real life in LA. I mean, do they really do that without slapping a thigh in laughter? How can anyone who does that be serious? It's fun, but come on.

I learned to look someone in the eyes when shaking their hand...hehehe...another gesture that catches them 'off guard.' I do, however, respect a person's air space around their body unless they let me know with their body language to come own in...then I do unless their breath is bad!

Greetings!

KK

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Greetings, fellow three-dimensional expressions of awareness! Om Shanty, aloha, howdy, dude-sup?, and how's yer momma and them?

I have never been hugged hello so much in my life as I have been since moving to Austin. The guys here hold out their arms for a robust, hearty, chest-slammin' 'howyadoin'! And that's at first introductions. I was thinking, 'I don't even know this guy and now there's an imprint of the Polo logo from his shirt embedded in my cheek.'

You gotta learn to do this when you live in Texas or else people will think you are stand-offish or that you think they stink. Texans are a very affectionate tribe. They do their Ancient Ones' hair, take their tots on daily walks and let strangers touch them, and put their hand underneath your chin when they want to make a point. That sentence always starts with, "Listen, darlin'..." And that's if they have ever met you before or not.

Texans love to great their dogs and cats warmly too. Texas men love cats unabashedly and I have never seen this before in any other state. KK kissed my cat Buddy the other day just after she put on her make-up and he got perfect little 'Dragon's Blood Red' lips and went walking around the house all day feeling like transvestite kitty.

So if you are going to come to Texas, get your arms in shape for grabbing people's shoulder blades from the front, make sure your teeth are clean for way-too-big smiles, and learn how to do the leave-taking requisite, 'I'll holler atcha!'

Areevadarechee, sayonara, namaste, chow, aloha again, hasta manana, voules vou cooshay avec moi and so forth and have a good day!
SalGal

Friday, June 27, 2008

Now THIS is how to do yoga!

video

Give Me The Chance!

I bought a card the other day with my new favorite quote, "All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."

It would take me a looooonnnnng time to prove this because I would have to experience riches in every area of my life. Um, let's see...would I rather stay at a Four Seasons or Motel 6? That's a tough one. Would I rather marry a rich man or a cowboy in a trailer park? (actually, since I'm an old rodeo whore, I had to think twice about that one). Or, would I rather wear Ralph Lauren or Tarjay (That's the French pronunciation of Target).

When you grow up with champagne tastes and a skim milk pocket book, 'lusting after' is a reality in your life. Correct me if I'm wrong here. Of course, the bible tells us not to covet, but that book is so thick, I didn't even TRY to read it until I was in my 30's. So, I missed a few commandments, ok? I WANT things now. Here's a partial list:

  • The most expensive Hybrid car on the market. Hey, you get what you pay for, right?
  • An entire wardrobe of Ralph Lauren, Donna Karan and Michael Kors all mixed and matched together
  • The perfect house (like a Gatsby mansion) with topiary shaped animals and a garden full of nothing but peony and roses
  • A stable full of beautiful, healthy, well-trained horses...one for each style I choose to ride that day...cutting, dressage, jumping, barrel racing or roping
  • A huge swimming pool made with tiny Prussian blue Italian tiles with randomly placed tiny gold tiles that reflect the sun and make the water look like diamonds
  • A big-ass flat screen tv in every room including the shower! (I don't want to miss Ellen!)
  • And Brad Pitt laying nekkid on my king-sized bed with the Italian Pratesi sheets
That ought to do it for starters. I don't want to come off looking TOO selfish, but truth be told, there are a LOT more items on my list. What does your list look like?

KK

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Actually, I wouldn't have to have money to make my main dream come true. Would that I had a fish tail and could breathe under water. That would make me happy. When you were on land you could breathe air and have legs but as soon as you dove into the water you would be able to breathe and swim...like a dolphin, but with underarm hair.

I don't want a big bed. You see these giant, huge beds in show rooms at furniture stores and on HGTV home design shows and they are piled high with twenty thousand pillows like big, poofy mountains of foofoo. I want a queen-size bed with dark green, turquoise and gold backgrounds; swirling designs of peacocks and palm trees, and ghostly head-shots of George Clooney on the pillow cases. That wouldn't cost that much.

As far as expensive stuff, I want a loft in downtown Austin with 14-foot ceilings, a red Lexus and a sculpture of a mermaid next to an Olympic-size pool with an Italian fountain at one end and a pool house at the other that resembles the Taj Mahal. I would also like floats in the pool that are in the shape of George Clooney and have his face.

This is fun! This is like making out a Christmas list. I realize it's different now because we are adults, so our wishes are more conservative and realistic. Send your wishes up to the Universe and make it good! Give it all ya got! It's fun and it doesn't cost anything...

SalGal