Monday, April 8, 2019

Left vs Right...The Twain Should Meet!

                                    Definition Right Brain vs. Left Brain
“This theory of the structure and functions of the mind suggests that the two different sides of the brain control two different “modes” of thinking. It also suggests that each of us prefers one mode over the other.”
This just explains SO much about the difference between SalGal and me.  I do suspicion that Albert Einstein had a twisted balance between the two lobes or he wouldn’t have this sensibility:
Einstein Funny Quotes:

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.
The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life. Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat.
Sally and I form one perfect imperfect whole, but that’s another story.  She lives in a mansion on the water on a different planet most of the year.  When called back to my left-brain world in order to complete some analytical project that I’ve given her...she brings a small carry-on bag.  She doesn’t like to stay too long.  I can’t blame her, because there is a teensy-weensy segment of my brain that travels to-and-fro my own right-brained planet, especially when I’m telling a story...I can get very carried away.
God had such a great sense of humor when forming these two lobes of our brains.  No wonder she had to rest on the seventh day, week, year...whatEVER.  I’m too pragmatic to believe in an actual figure called God.  When I see the stars and planets at night, I know that I am but an infinitesimal ‘ash’ spewed from a forming galaxy.  It’s both a comforting, yet unsettling notion that reminds me of a greater power, but not someone in a toga with long, white hair.  Seriously?  That’s all we could come up with visually for the essence of love?
I’m getting off track here because sometimes I write while I’m plotting my circular route that will take me through the six errands I have to run and home again within the time parameter I have set for myself.  At the end of a day, over a martini, I discuss the successes of my day and all of the things I accomplished, which are usually legion because I’m organized, ok?  Then, I pamper myself by watching shows on the ‘Crime and Investigation’ channel:  Manhunters (US Marshals chasing bad guys all over the country), Food channel: Iron Chef America (a frantic yet highly-organized contest between two chefs to prepare the perfect meal within a one-hour time frame), NBC: Jeopardy (we all know how left brain Alex Trebec is, and to really let loose, I’ll watch Project Runway (creative, right-brainers also frantically working toward making a single garment within a very strict time frame).  There is a disturbing pattern that I’ve just discovered after ‘crafting’ this paragraph.
Well, I have to admit that KK is right about everything.  She has a good hold on her left brain, analytical, organized ways of looking at the day, while I bumblefuck my way through projects like a monkey in a costume shop.  I may decide to put the pants on my head and use a beret as a codpiece, but I do end up with an appropriate wardrobe in the end.  I just need KK to tell me how to wear it.  “Do these yellow socks go with this red and gold gypsy scarf?”  She shakes her head and goes to her closet for some more presentable garb for me, as she balances her checkbook and programs the DVR for daily recordings of ‘SWAT/Aida,Oklahama’ on the way to her closet.

I get things done, dammit.  I do.  But if I’m on a mission to go to Costco for some kitty litter and olives, and I see a rainbow over the canal, I’m going to pull over and enjoy the show.  And if I see a garage sale on Kahala Street with giant conch shells visible on the grass and candles in the shape of mermaids, well, Costco can wait.

I would really like to have a perfectly organized life but things just get in the way of my plans.  If I’m in my left brain for too long a period of time, I get petulant and I have to take a nap and then eat M&M’s as soon as I wake up.  I don’t know why….

KK, on the other hand, needs to know why for everything.  “Why can’t you see that the bank is on the way to Costco and to go that way so you can kill of two birds with one stone?”

“Oh, KK, that is so cruel.  Those birds never hurt anyone and just because they shit on your car windshield is no reason to plot their deaths by stoning.”

You see what I have to put up with?  We just don’t think alike.  Our conversations over Martinis today will be interesting as usual.  Things she accomplished, things I forgot to do because I saw an albino cat in a window on our street and had to stop and take a picture of it on my I-Phone so I could post it on my facebook page…but I digress again.

She will understand, as long as it’s a double shot of vodka that flips her into her right brain...that there are no olives in our ‘Teenees’ today because I never made it to Costco.


Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Things The Royals Don't Get to Do or Have

Apparently the Royals don’t get to sleep in.  There seems to always be someone ‘in waiting’ to assist them, and everyone is on a tight shedjule.  The dressers have to get them ready.  I’ll bet dollars to donuts the Queen does not own a pair of jeans.  That’s a shame, and we feel sorry for her.  Elizabeth is of the panty hose generation (thank God that’s over).  And, I’m fairly certain that the royal closets do not contain an exercise outfit for her either.  No lilac, polyester leisure suit in which to lounge around the palace. I’ll bet she still wears a girdle.

Because we long ago won our independence from the British Empire, I am able to say all these tacky things about the Queen.  The Brits say some pretty tacky things too, so I’m in good company.  It’s just that I wonder about things like this, I mean, when I’m not thinking lofty, sophisticated, intelligent thoughts, which takes up my mornings, but then leaves me all afternoon to ponder the whether Prince Philip wear boxers or briefs...briefs on Prince Philip..ROTFLMAO!!

We’ve all been visualizing Will and Kate’s wedding night in the boudoir...oh come on.  But, they’ve been together so long already, I wonder if they needed to watch a porn video just to get things going. Probably not.  They’re still young. What did her negligee look like? Did he doff a red velvet robe with a matching thong underneath?

Does the Queen have a Lazy-Boy recliner with the feet that come up and pockets on the sides where she can keep royal documents to work on during Wheel of Fortune (if they get that show in the UK, I don’t know).  Do the royal ladies do their own makeup?  Probably, because every one of them could use serious make overs.  Not Kate though.  

Well, that was fun.  Just pondering things that make the world more interesting for me.  It’s pretty interesting already, but wouldn’t you like to dumpster dive at Buckingham Palace just to see what’s going on in there??????

Can the royals have simple pleasures?  Do they even have a front porch?  Do the young couples from the neighborhood push their babies by in Belgian Laced prams trimmed with satin bows and studded with pearls?  Do the royals sit there with their perfect martinis in hand and diss the Euro-trash, hoarders who live in the castle down the dale?  Never mind that it is the Prince of Monaco and the hoard is a pile of marble statues of Roman Gods piled next to the freezer in the 12-car garage.  Still tacky.

I’ll bet you some crispy oysters at The Four Seasons that none of the royals have ever taken a plastic spoon and dived into a greasy Frito Pie, yes, still in the Frito package and dripping with cheese.  Poor things, bless their hearts, they are deprived.

KK and I are going to meet a friend for Happy Hour at our favorite, little French restaurant downtown on Friday.  All we have to do is put on some cool jewelry, retouch our ‘J-Lo Sparkles-Are-Good-Bronzer’, and walk out the door.  We don’t have to wait for the security team to clear the restaurant, and the five-hundred-thousand-dollar sapphire necklace and matching bracelet to be brought down from the vault in the Tower of London so that we can wear that royal blue, brushed silk cocktail dress that was delivered from the showroom at the Chanel store. God forbid that they would have to go amongst the riffraff to actually shop for clothes.  The royals can’t go shopping without the paparazzi finding out what size their bras and panties are and broadcasting that info on the Naked News channel that night.

I’ll bet the royals don’t even know what the two-step is…or how a good batch of popcorn at the local movie theater is when it falls out hot and salty from the popper.  They must have to rely on Netflix.  Can you imagine what they would have to go through just to slip out to the movies and see the latest Vin Diesel movie?

God, we’re so lucky,


Sunday, February 10, 2019

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Happy New Year...Jezebel!

Southern women start the new year off with, what peas...du'uh!  And what goes with those peas...JEZEBEL sauce...if you can just keep KK away from the process!!!!

Monday, December 24, 2018

For All You Caregivers Out There!!

There IS light at the end of the caregiving tunnel.  In the meantime, make those for whom you care...PLAY!!!  It's a 'short trip,' and you'll wind up with some HYSTERICAL video memories...

                                                   Take THIS as an example.....hehehehe.....

Saturday, November 10, 2018

Happy Turkleween Thnksmas!!!

You’ve probably bought your turkey for Thanksgiving by now, yes?  Good, because these holidays happen FAST!  Before you’ve even dismantled the blow-up pumpkin with Casper inside, it’s time to buy the rust-colored fake dry leaves to adorn the Thanksgiving table where the turkey will make its appearance...for about 3.5 minutes before it too will be ‘dismantled’ into our stomachs until there are only bones left.  I realize that was kind of a long sentence, but it’s like these holidays...they just go on and on, bleeding into each other until Jan 1...after the black-eyed peas have been presented and devoured for good luck.  Then, and only then can we really relax.

I advise everyone to just wear black during these holidays.  That way, you can adorn yourself with accessorized color depending on which holiday.  Black and orange for Halloween...given.  Save the orange and mix it with rust, dull green and chocolate brown and you’re good to go with your black outfit for T’Day.  And, the black will be the perfect backdrop for the ridiculous Christmas tree brooches, tree light necklaces and candy cane leggings.  We’ve all just gone too far, wouldn’t you agree???

It’s really difficult to explain holidays to cats.  They are stupefied by a pumpkin and insulted by the requisite scary black cat with its back arched around All Hallow’s Eve.  They wind up on the kitchen counter eating every scrap available as we’re at the Thanksgiving table doing the same thing, but with forks.  And, the only thing they like about Christmas are the empty gift boxes and the tissue strewn all over the room.  They just don’t understand why we don’t leave all that stuff out every day.  You can’t explain interior decoration to them either...goes right over their tiny heads.

So, if you haven’t started feeling overwhelmed by the dizzying holiday seasons, you’re behind!  Get stressed, pissed off, bah-humbugged before it’s too late!

Oh, I love the holidays too.  That’s partly because I love empty boxes (especially decorated ones), sneaking bites of the turkey left on the kitchen counter, and playing with new toys.  The cats and I are exactly alike.  If I could hide in a box or take a long nap in a shaft of sunlight, I would do that too.

I put a scary witch and some spiders on the door for Halloween.  KK told me I was really lame, but she doesn’t’ understand how much fun it is to scare little kids.  I wish we could scare little kids at Thanksgiving too, but I’ll just have to settle for a pumpkin by the front door.  Decorations are a must for all holidays, as Honoluluans needs to uphold their reputation for obsessive-holiday-compulsions, and all of her denizens must contribute to this tradition.  Any kind of yard-art or door-wreath plasticity is highly encouraged by the population of this city.  Televisions perched in trees are a mainstay for Christmas decorations and if yours actually turns on, you are considered a genius.

I look forward to Christmas and all of its good cheer and fake snow in the windows downtown.  Of course, people in Honolulu go all out to celebrate the birth of Jesus, and Santa Claus seems to embody this festivity more than nativity scenes on the lawns or even lit-up Queen Liliuokalani candles in the windows.  I hate Santa Claus…mainly because I sat in the lap of one when I was about three years old and his stale, smokey, bourbon breath almost knocked me into the fake bag of presents by the elf.  Even worse than that though was the fact that he had black stubble under his white beard, and then he handed me a scary doll that made me think of my best friend’s mother.  That was not good.  My best friend’s mother looked like Ed Sullivan.

But I digress.  I need to go into the decoration box and pull out the three-foot-tall papier mache monk holding the cornucopia overflowing with gourds and berries, and put the Christmas lights around him and put him by the door

so people can see how involved we are in the holiday spirit.  Then I ‘m going to go hide in a box and lick my cat’s head.


Saturday, October 6, 2018

Twick or Tweet!!!  BOO!!!!!!!!!!!