Thursday, November 13, 2014

Happy TurkleweenThanksmas!

Here's a post that is bothly timely and universal (November 2010)

You’ve probably bought your turkey for Thanksgiving by now, yes?  Good, because these holidays happen FAST!  Before you’ve even dismantled the blow-up pumpkin with Casper inside, it’s time to buy the rust-colored fake dry leaves to adorn the Thanksgiving table where the turkey will make its appearance...for about 3.5 minutes before it too will be ‘dismantled’ into our stomachs until there are only bones left.  I realize that was kind of a long sentence, but it’s like these holidays...they just go on and on, bleeding into each other until Jan 1...after the black-eyed peas have been presented and devoured for good luck.  Then, and only then can we really relax.

I advise everyone to just wear black during these holidays.  That way, you can adorn yourself with accessorized color depending on which holiday.  Black and orange for Halloween...given.  Save the orange and mix it with rust, dull green and chocolate brown and you’re good to go with your black outfit for T’Day.  And, the black will be the perfect backdrop for the ridiculous Christmas tree brooches, tree light necklaces and candy cane leggings.  We’ve all just gone too far, wouldn’t you agree???

It’s really difficult to explain holidays to cats.  They are stupefied by a pumpkin and insulted by the requisite scary black cat with its back arched around All Hallow’s Eve.  They wind up on the kitchen counter eating every scrap available as we’re at the Thanksgiving table doing the same thing, but with forks.  And, the only thing they like about Christmas are the empty gift boxes and the tissue strewn all over the room.  They just don’t understand why we don’t leave all that stuff out every day.  You can’t explain interior decoration to them either...goes right over their tiny heads.

So, if you haven’t started feeling overwhelmed by the dizzying holiday seasons, you’re behind!  Get stressed, pissed off, bah-humbugged before it’s too late!

Oh, I love the holidays too.  That’s partly because I love empty boxes (especially decorated ones), sneaking bites of the turkey left on the kitchen counter, and playing with new toys.  The cats and I are exactly alike.  If I could hide in a box or take a long nap in a shaft of sunlight, I would do that too.

I put a scary witch and some spiders on the screen door for Halloween.  KK told me I was really lame, but she doesn’t’ understand how much fun it is to scare little kids.  I wish we could scare little kids at Thanksgiving too, but I’ll just have to settle for a pumpkin by the front door and a six-foot-tall-blow-up turkey in the front yard.  Decorations are a must for all holidays, as Austin needs to uphold its reputation for weirdness, and all of its denizens must contribute to this tradition.  Any kind of yard-art or door-wreath plasticity is highly encouraged by the population of this city.  Televisions perched in trees are a mainstay for Christmas decorations and if yours actually turns on, you are considered a genius.

I look forward to Christmas and all of its good cheer and fake snow in the windows downtown.  Of course, people in Austin go all out to celebrate the birth of Jesus, and Santa Claus seems to embody this festivity more than nativity scenes on the lawns or even lit-up ‘Our Lady of Guadalupes’ in the windows.  I hate Santa Claus…mainly because I sat in the lap of one when I was about three years old and his stale, smokey, bourbon breath almost knocked me into the fake bag of presents by the elf.  Even worse than that though was the fact that he had black stubble under his white beard, and then he handed me a scary doll that made me think of my best friend’s mother.  That was not good.  My best friend’s mother looked like Ed Sullivan.

But I digress.  I need to go into the decoration box in the garage and pull out the three-foot-tall papier mache monk holding the cornucopia overflowing with gourds and berries, and put the Christmas lights around him and put him in the window so people can see how involved we are in the holiday spirit.  Then I ‘m going to go hide in a box and lick my cat’s head.


Sunday, November 2, 2014

Vote or Die!!!

This post was written by moi in November, 2012, and is re-presented here in honor of voting day on Nov. 4th.  Hehehe............

Our polling place on election day was at Thomas Jefferson Elementary School in the cafeteria.  There were about 50 people inside, including the 25 election volunteers and ‘officials.’  Our first election in Hawaii.  Of course, the weather was perfect, with the electorate in flip flops and casual cottons.  We parked right out front, and there was no line.  Easy peasy.

Then, towards the end of the day, they ran out of paper ballots.  How can a state run out of paper ballots?  Wouldn’t it seem prudent to err on the side of ordering more than the numbers you might estimate?  That’s just me, though.  They allowed voters to use the only ballots they had left...ones in a FOREIGN LANGUAGE!  Now that I think about it, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are probably written the same in any language...but still.

And, what in the hell is wrong with Florida?  I think they screw up on purpose, just to get the attention of the nation...remember the hanging chads?  I believe that as of today, Florida has yet to certify their ballots.  Really?  If Hawaii can use foreign-language ballots and get their results in on time, why does Florida get to wait?  Archaic systems would be the description of our state-by-state voting regulations...a cluster fuck, to be sure.

After we voted, we went to lunch, where Sally ordered the Lame Duck.  I had Pork-Belly stew to start, then enjoyed some Corruption Mousse for dessert.  Sal ordered the Humble Pie, and as we left, the lobby was filled guessed it...lobbyists!

Now, we’re just hoping we won’t have to rent a hang glider for the fiscal cliff.  That’s why we joined No Labels... to stem the tide of bipartisanship and bring civility and progress back to the workings of Congress!  Take a look at them, join up...and we’ll be able to pull the ‘grass roots’ up from underneath our representatives and congresspeople!


PS- Sal is sick with a hed code, so she hasn’t a thing to add here! It’s all MINE!!

Wednesday, October 29, 2014


Original posting Friday, October 29, 2010

Oh goodie! A full day dedicated to scaring small children! Sal and I don’t usually wait until Halloween to scare the wee ones. And, we’re immune to guilt, accusation or shame, because we’re childless by choice.

We know it’s not right to scare children, especially the very small, defenseless, trusting ones. If we were mentally stable, we would be remorseful the next day, but that hasn’t happened yet. Unfortunately, now-a-days, the parents feel compelled to accompany their children while trick or treating. That’s just wrong. Our parents were out at Halloween parties in fully frightful yet stylish costumes, drinking and smoking, with nary a moment given wondering what horrors their children were being exposed to. That was the fifties. Nobody cared. They assumed that the world (or west Texas in our case) was not a dangerous place. They were right. We were out being scared shitless by the whack-a-doos (much like SalGal and I), who lived for this date, who worked on their costumes, dry-ice smoke wafting across the porch, zombies creeping up on them before they could even get to the door, etc. It’s a sad commentary, isn’t it, when you can’t let your children out for a night of life-altering fear? It shapes a person.

 Love, KK **************************

 I love Halloween, the little, baby bumblebees, the neighborhood witches, the local zombies. And then there are the kids in their costumes. Good times. I have gone to the grocery store and stocked up on orange Reese’s Peanut Butter cups and eyeball jawbreakers. Later tomorrow I will get the candy for the kids. Oh, and the vodka. It’s just more fun with a martini next to the giant Jack-O-Lantern I got for the front window. And, I figure I can put a red light in it and white beard and Santa hat and use it again for Christmas.

It’s all about ‘gaudy’ as far as holiday decorations are concerned, and I am not one to be left out of the artistic displays of lit-up tackiness. The neighbors down the street have a huge, blow-up decoration in their front yard. It’s a big, Casper the ghost with a gigantic pumpkin. This is good because, but for these audacious balloon monstrosities, the teenagers would have no fun at all on Halloween night. I wish I could go with them when they sneak out of their windows in the dead of night to prowl around the hood, puncturing all of the blow-up decorations and toilet-papering the cheerleaders’ houses.

 Oh, yeah, we know who all the cheerleaders in the neighborhood are because their houses look like ghosts got shredded in the trees and their Jack-O-Lanterns have penises the next day. Come to think of it, screw the goblins and peacock toddlers, Halloween is really for teens….and women with martinis.


Thursday, July 3, 2008

Happy July 4th!

Sal and I have been invited by our lesbyterian friend and her roomate to a 'Bat Bar-b-que! That's what we call 'em here in the A-Town, but lest you think we cook up bats and eat'em...ick!!!!!!, (although James did just that in the last Survivor season), no, no! We'll WATCH the bats fly while we eat pigs and cows meat from the bar-b-que. Well, now that I describe it all that way, the whole thing sounds disgusting, doesn't it?

I can assure you that we WILL indulge! What some of you in the hinterlands might not know is that we have a bridge over the Colorado river that runs smack through the middle of our lovely downtown, and this particular bridge is the home to BILLIONS of Mexican Free Tail Bats. Every evening around dusk for several months of the year, they ALL fly out from underneath that bridge and head out all over town, around town, out of town and even uptown looking for mosqweetos on which to dine. Just so happens that our friends' house lies in the direct flight path of ascension for all the little beasties! So, while we're holding our baby back pork ribs in our greasy, sauced over hands, we are gawking at all the many bats that they look like black clouds moving really fast. This will be especially fun because we'll be all liquored up too!

Besides, I like to woman flirt with lysbyterians. I have an androgenousness (is that a word?) about me and they're drawn to me like moths to a flame...or maybe like bats to a mosqweeto. Eeenyway, they love me and I like to flirt with them. It keeps my hetero flirting skills in good working condition in case I should stumble over a really handsome, middle-aged man who has passed out in their front yard on his way home.

We will take photos and post them! Got out and eat pigs and cows and whoop it up!



One of the nicest Fourth of Julys I remember was when The Ancient One, KK and her Husband#3 and I had a holiday dinner at the Savoy in London. We had been out all day at the Tower of London looking at two-hundred year-old blood stains in the stones where people's heads were chopped off. When we got back to the hotel the floor manager had set a round table in our suite complete with sparklers stuck straight up in the potted ivy, little American flags and what we were assured was turkey and gravy. It really looked like roadkill with squirrel throw-up but we were gracious and ate it.

I have seen the bats fly from under the bridge many times but to tell you the truth they just look like birds to me. Lots and lots of birds. Their shit is called guano. Did you know that bat guano as fertilizer is the finest in the world and once was more expensive than gold? They actually had guano mines where really scruffy guys would go gather it when the bats flew out every night. You had to be careful though, because the bat urine is poisonous and they piss all over everything as they fly out of the caves and such. That's why the tour guides at Carlsbad Caverns tell you to close your mouth and eyes when they fly out of the main cave. Well...if you have to close your eyes then....okay whatever.

Once on the Fourth of July we had a party in Santa Fe and the lead actor of a major motion picture got so drunk he threw-up in our driveway.

I am very grateful to be an American and I can't wait to see the fireworks, toast the flag and close my mouth and eyes as the bats fly by. yipee, uh...can't wait...

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Our latest on Health Central is up on their site!

Hehehe...the subject this month is 'Stopping Smoking,' about which we know a little more than most!

Click on the link below and go on over there. They've got a LOT of info on whatever ails you or whatever you wish ailed your worst enemy:

KK and Sal

Monday, June 30, 2008



Listen, we grew up in west Texas, ok?, so don't come at us if you intend to shake hands...with a bent hand that only grabs the ends of our fingers instead of the whole hand. You people who do that need to know that most of us, and I'll go so far as to say, ALL of us (because it's cyberspace and I can say whatever the hell I want to, right?)...want to SHAKE YOUR HAND...not your fingers! But, if you should come at us that prissy way, then just take our fingers up to your mouth and KISS OUR.....hand. At least it would be more dramatic. OK? Whew, now I feel all better because I've been fuming since we went to a dinner party last week and a grown man tried to shake hands with us that way. Why, we reemed him a new a-hole all the way home in the car with our denouncement of this style.

We may have long, skinny, bony hands, but we can shake your hand until you want to stop! It's just the way we learned growing up. Daddy used to close a deal with a handshake and I can still see my little bitty self with my head bent all the way back, staring up in awe at him with his big Daddy hands handing one to another Texan and then the both of them just shakin it out.

Here's another problem I have with greetings...the mouth kiss with juice on it. I don't kiss The Ancient One at all anymore because she always has 'mother juice' on her lips and it gets all over mine and makes me shake my head with queasiness as I wipe it off. Please close your mouths unless you're lovers or are trying to lick the lipstick off your woman's front tooth! Sal and I use the Eskimo nose kiss at the end of every day, and I kiss a few of my gal pals on the lips, but those puppies are closed tight and dry.

Please don't misunderstand me. Kissing is one of my most favorite things on earth, and frankly, for a woman with lips as thin as mine, I'm noted for being a damn good kisser, so you mens out there needn't fear me. I like to kiss men on the mouth when seeing one whom I know out and about. It always catches them off guard, and of course, I live to catch people 'off guard.'

My gal pals and I like to do the charicaturized 'air kiss' with each other like they do in real life in LA. I mean, do they really do that without slapping a thigh in laughter? How can anyone who does that be serious? It's fun, but come on.

I learned to look someone in the eyes when shaking their hand...hehehe...another gesture that catches them 'off guard.' I do, however, respect a person's air space around their body unless they let me know with their body language to come own in...then I do unless their breath is bad!




Greetings, fellow three-dimensional expressions of awareness! Om Shanty, aloha, howdy, dude-sup?, and how's yer momma and them?

I have never been hugged hello so much in my life as I have been since moving to Austin. The guys here hold out their arms for a robust, hearty, chest-slammin' 'howyadoin'! And that's at first introductions. I was thinking, 'I don't even know this guy and now there's an imprint of the Polo logo from his shirt embedded in my cheek.'

You gotta learn to do this when you live in Texas or else people will think you are stand-offish or that you think they stink. Texans are a very affectionate tribe. They do their Ancient Ones' hair, take their tots on daily walks and let strangers touch them, and put their hand underneath your chin when they want to make a point. That sentence always starts with, "Listen, darlin'..." And that's if they have ever met you before or not.

Texans love to great their dogs and cats warmly too. Texas men love cats unabashedly and I have never seen this before in any other state. KK kissed my cat Buddy the other day just after she put on her make-up and he got perfect little 'Dragon's Blood Red' lips and went walking around the house all day feeling like transvestite kitty.

So if you are going to come to Texas, get your arms in shape for grabbing people's shoulder blades from the front, make sure your teeth are clean for way-too-big smiles, and learn how to do the leave-taking requisite, 'I'll holler atcha!'

Areevadarechee, sayonara, namaste, chow, aloha again, hasta manana, voules vou cooshay avec moi and so forth and have a good day!