Saturday, April 18, 2015

Calling all you MOTHERS in Heaven!


“Which Mother do you want to speak to, honey?  We have a LOT of mothers here in Heaven.  You’ll have to be more specific, and I don’t have all day.  Actually, I do have all day and all of eternity, but I’m really busy, so just give me a name.”

“Sheesh.  I didn’t realize there was a switchboard in Heaven.  How fantastic!  Just look up The Ancient One.  Believe me, there’s only one person who fits those parameters.”

“Connecting you now......please hold, and have a nice life.  See you when you’re ready...unless the Devil get’s you first, nyuck, nyuck, tee hyar hyar.”

“KK?  OH...MY...GOD!  And, wait until you see HIM!  Why, he looks just like the God that that adorable Michelangelo painted on the Sistine Chapel.  I’m running off to play mahjong, sweetie, what can I do for you?”

“Well, Mother...I wanted to know how you’re doing, catch you up on goings on down here on earth and just have a nice long chat.”

“Oh Kelly, my darling.  I KNOW everything and see everything and it’s all just marvelous, what you’re doing, how you and Sal are getting along, the amazing things that are going to come The Midlife Gals’ way.  Once they de-veined me of all the judgments I used to have about everything, I have never been happier...EVER!  Oh, and that beautiful male cardinal you saw just outside your window not long ago...that was I.  Hee, hee...just checking in.”

“I KNEW IT!  I knew that was you.  So, that was my only visitation?  A bird?  Should I go to a medium if I want a really long visitation?”

“Hell no!  That’s just bells and whistles...same thing as in church with all the incense and the hoo ha.  We do like the choirs though.  Just see me in everything you do, say or feel, and I’ll get the message.  Listen, I’ve just got to go.  I’m so late and don’t want the shuttle to leave without me.  Oh, and your Daddy sends his utmost love.  Ta Ta!!”

“WHOA, WAIT a minute!  Daddy is there?  And, you’re together again?  And, he’s a handsome 38-year-old, just like he was when he died?  Don’t hang up!  I need more information!!”

“Miss?  Sorry, The Ancient One, being new around here, is just way behind on everything.  She’s got a lot to learn about the way we do things up here.  We can’t seem to shut her up...all the time laughing and giggling and dancing with your Daddy.  She’s a mess, but we’re SO happy to have her.”

“Well...........okay then.  Thanks very much.  Tell her we love and miss her!”


I’m tempted to buy a Mother’s Day card for The Ancient One, even though she’s not here anymore.  I mean, she’s here…but not ‘here’ here.  Does Hallmark have greeting cards for mothers who are in the outer-body experience?  What would they say?  “Thanks, Mom, for teaching me how to make Hollandaise Sauce.”  No, I don’t think they have Hollandaise Sauce in the spirit world.  I once heard that’s why everybody up there wants to come be here in the three-dimensional world of tasty delights.  No more Eggos, Fritos, or cream-chipped beef for The Ancient One.  But I don’t think she really minds.  She would rather dance with Frank Jackson and play with Puddin,’ her favorite Airedale who died in 1991.

No, it would not be fair to put a picture of any kind of food on the front of the Deceased-Mother’s-Day Hallmark card.  It might remind them of what they are missing.  Maybe the card should say something like, “Dearest Mom - Hope you are having fun in heaven.  Wish you were here.”  What with earthquakes, volcanoes, and ‘Survivor,’ maybe you should be glad you’re not.

Happy Mother’s Day, Deedles.

And please tell grandma Bapoo that I still use her recipe for baked bananas.