And, HERE are many reasons why we settled on moving to PARADISE!!
Original posting from July 8, 2011:
If I were to make a list of fun things to do this summer in central Texas, it would be short:
STAY INSIDE WHERE IT’S COOL.
Some people just don’t listen. Sal and I see those whose minds have completely left them, jogging in the afternoon when the temperature hovers around, well, it’s going to be 103 degrees here today. They don’t care. Human beings were not meant to run any further than the ‘flight or fight’ trajectory. Run just as long as it takes to escape the predator, which is usually not 26.5 MILES.
If you want to escape the summer heat...well, let’s see...you can’t, because global warming is doing away with lovely, cool breezes in the shade anywhere. And, don’t go to Arizona...with the behemoth dust storms. You could go to New Mexico...no...wait...they’re having fires all over the state, so breathing would be difficult. There’s always Montana for a little fishing, just as soon as they clean up that pesky oil spill in the river...you’ll have to wait a bit...say...20 or 30 years.
You’ll want to skip the middle part of the country altogether because of the floods. The standing water has produced mosqweetos the size of dung beetles, but at least there is water in that area...plenty enough to fill your canteen while you continue to look for the perfect location for some summertime fun. You could go to the Carolinas, but you’d better hurry, because it’s hurricane season, and those people are usually in the line of fire where gales are concerned.
I say go to Europe, but stay abreast of when the next Greenland volcano will erupt, because that will surely screw up your air travel plans. How about Mexico? Or, the middle east? Oh, nevermind. And, the earthquakes would give me pause when considering South America...besides, it’s winter there, but it would be cool.
I’m exhausted from all this virtual travel. A martini, cigarette and Sal’s company on the porch in the hot shade of an evening is about as ambitious as I can get these days.
We could go lie down nekked on the tomatoes in the HEB produce department. That’s about all I can come up with. How about a cruise to see the glaciers in Greenland? Well, that might not be too safe. Apparently chunks of ice as big as Elizabeth Taylor’s diamonds are breaking off and falling into the ocean. That sounds depressing. I think I would rather go watch mud slides in Malibu.
It is just too hot here. I hate it. People here in Texas are crazy. Even when the temperature is 103, you can still see the trailer park food trucks passing out fried avocados and red velvet cupcakes to the throngs of thong-wearing, tee-shirted idiots who still think there is a reason to go out for lunch in what amounts to a preheated OVEN! The thongs I’m referring to are those rubber ones that come in all colors and can be found flopping under the consistently red-painted toenails of any Texas woman with a brain and disdain for style. We saw a guy riding his bicycle up Shoal Creek road the other day, wearing the other kind of thong, which was so small the back strap had completely disappeared inside his butt crack. He had Jesus hair and running shoes with knee-high brown socks and nothing else. That’s what the heat will do to ya – make you completely, fucking wacko.
Yes, it’s Friday night in Austin and a cocktail and a smoke on the front porch sounds like the ticket. After that, KK will go stand in her bathroom exactly 28 inches from the sink and 3 feet from the back wall. That’s were the air conditioning vent blows hardest and coldest in the house. She made the mistake of showing me that. This time, when I push her out of the way of that blast of delicious, cold air, I will try not to break her other arm.
Oh, come on, it was an accident!