You’ve probably bought your turkey for Thanksgiving by now, yes? Good, because these holidays happen FAST! Before you’ve even dismantled the blow-up pumpkin with Casper inside, it’s time to buy the rust-colored fake dry leaves to adorn the Thanksgiving table where the turkey will make its appearance...for about 3.5 minutes before it too will be ‘dismantled’ into our stomachs until there are only bones left. I realize that was kind of a long sentence, but it’s like these holidays...they just go on and on, bleeding into each other until Jan 1...after the black-eyed peas have been presented and devoured for good luck. Then, and only then can we really relax.
I advise everyone to just wear black during these holidays. That way, you can adorn yourself with accessorized color depending on which holiday. Black and orange for Halloween...given. Save the orange and mix it with rust, dull green and chocolate brown and you’re good to go with your black outfit for T’Day. And, the black will be the perfect backdrop for the ridiculous Christmas tree brooches, tree light necklaces and candy cane leggings. We’ve all just gone too far, wouldn’t you agree???
It’s really difficult to explain holidays to cats. They are stupefied by a pumpkin and insulted by the requisite scary black cat with its back arched around All Hallow’s Eve. They wind up on the kitchen counter eating every scrap available as we’re at the Thanksgiving table doing the same thing, but with forks. And, the only thing they like about Christmas are the empty gift boxes and the tissue strewn all over the room. They just don’t understand why we don’t leave all that stuff out every day. You can’t explain interior decoration to them either...goes right over their tiny heads.
So, if you haven’t started feeling overwhelmed by the dizzying holiday seasons, you’re behind! Get stressed, pissed off, bah-humbugged before it’s too late!
Oh, I love the holidays too. That’s partly because I love empty boxes (especially decorated ones), sneaking bites of the turkey left on the kitchen counter, and playing with new toys. The cats and I are exactly alike. If I could hide in a box or take a long nap in a shaft of sunlight, I would do that too.
I put a scary witch and some spiders on the door for Halloween. KK told me I was really lame, but she doesn’t’ understand how much fun it is to scare little kids. I wish we could scare little kids at Thanksgiving too, but I’ll just have to settle for a pumpkin by the front door. Decorations are a must for all holidays, as Honoluluans needs to uphold their reputation for obsessive-holiday-compulsions, and all of her denizens must contribute to this tradition. Any kind of yard-art or door-wreath plasticity is highly encouraged by the population of this city. Televisions perched in trees are a mainstay for Christmas decorations and if yours actually turns on, you are considered a genius.
I look forward to Christmas and all of its good cheer and fake snow in the windows downtown. Of course, people in Honolulu go all out to celebrate the birth of Jesus, and Santa Claus seems to embody this festivity more than nativity scenes on the lawns or even lit-up Queen Liliuokalani candles in the windows. I hate Santa Claus…mainly because I sat in the lap of one when I was about three years old and his stale, smokey, bourbon breath almost knocked me into the fake bag of presents by the elf. Even worse than that though was the fact that he had black stubble under his white beard, and then he handed me a scary doll that made me think of my best friend’s mother. That was not good. My best friend’s mother looked like Ed Sullivan.
But I digress. I need to go into the decoration box and pull out the three-foot-tall papier mache monk holding the cornucopia overflowing with gourds and berries, and put the Christmas lights around him and put him by the door