Thursday, March 6, 2008

Inflatable Husband

Wow! After having three real ones, I received an inflatable husband for my birthday from...guess who? He is absolutely adorable! He's only 3 ft tall which so reminds me of my second husband, whom I still refer to as Little Big Man, and he is mute which was so like my Mr. One.


I don't have to be concerned with Steve McQueen's (that's what I have named my new inflatable hubbie) going off to play golf without me, farting, burping or engaging in sleep apnea while on my left in the bed. Steve McQueen is incredibly low maintenance and requires no effort on my part whatsoever.

My only complaint about Steve McQueen is that he does NOT resemble the HUNK illustration on the box in which he arrived all flat and squishy. His lips are waaaaaay too big and there are no spaces between any of his teeth...kind of like he has just one horizontal tooth that goes all across his mouth. He has only about 38 hairs painted on his chest, and they painted them down around his belly button which also serves as the nozzle for blowing him......up!

I am already besotted with my Stevie McQueen, and here's the thing...he loves me UNCONDITIONALLY. I can just feel it beneath the plastic. I am including the actual "Warnings and Precautions" section for your amusement:
"Warning: This is not THAT type of inflatable and therrefore coitus is not recommended (I've forgotten what coitus means).
Do not bring your inflatable into contact with members of the psychiatric profession (especially if you've given him a name)."




I think it is obvious why I felt the need to get KK a blowup husband. The woman grows more desperate by the day. Just this morning I caught her taking a shower with Steve McQueen. I'm sorry but this is a waste of shampoo.

I think Steve McQueen would make a great airplane pillow but then your head would best go between his legs and that would look weird. I think I will go to the kiddie store and buy him an outfit. I could get him some jeans and little cowboy boots and maybe a little t-shirt. Then we could take him out. As it is now, he is not presentable. We probably can't take him out with us anyway. His eyes make him look sort of like a pervert.

I'm a little worried about him when Buddy is around. It is not general knowledge but my cat, Buddy loves men. When they come over he likes to do figure 8's through their legs and he tries to nose them into petting him. They do and then Buddy grabs them with his teeth and even sometimes nibbles them. You can imagine what would happen to KK's new husband if Buddy discovered him. Luckily, KK has him (Steve not Buddy) stuck up between the wall and the book case but still....

Having a blowup husband around is like owning a car. They take up too much room in the garage, you have to name them and hosing them down in the driveway is embarrassing.



Mental P Mama said...

Oh. My God. I want pictures! I think we all need a Steve McQueen. Happy, happy birthday!

Mental P Mama said...

I can't wait for the video...

Egghead said...

Wow! All three exes rolled into one. What a divine speciman...the best part is you can drop kick him across the room at any time and feel darn good afterwards. Ha ha!

Lime & Tequila said...

I wonder if I could get away with an inflatable husband while still having the "real version" hanging around farting, burping, and leaving toenail clippings in inconvenient locations.


scotte said...

YOU COUNTED THE FAKE HAIRS----Time is on your side young lady!!! And don't most guys blow up right around there???? Sorry about the hubby with no genatilia, but I thought from your previous post , you would have tried before you bought. Thanks KK for giving such fodder for thought on your BD!

Gwynne said...

...he does NOT resemble the HUNK illustration on the box...

That's what always marry them, you take them home, remove them from the box and they never look like the illustrations.

I love that you are storing him between the wall and the bookcase. So much to ponder.

Lisa B. said...

Oh, My God!!! Thanks for the laughs girls!!!

Anonymous said...

This was too funny! :-D