Friday, October 26, 2007

Bugs and Rodents

How midlifers view creatures:

I don't know anyone who likes roaches. I suggest getting one or more cats for this problem. Whenever you see a roach, all you have to do is call the cats. Of course, they're cats so they may come when you call or they may look at you like, What? I'm busy here. I'm lying in the sun for my naptime, so this better be important. With our herd of cats, it's a matter of decision as to which cat gets the opportunity to pounce on the roach. I can almost see them doing a mental 'rock, paper, scissor' exercise with each other until the winner approaches the roach. I almost feel sorry for the slimy bug, but I also feel a sense of glee knowing that I won't have to smash its guts all over the kitchen floor.

You can leave the cats with the roach and go about your business knowing that when you return, all you will find will be itty bitty roach legs and whiskers. The corpse has been eaten and the cat with the biggest smile on its face is the obvious winner. One bug problem...done!

I have recently been hearing rats in the attic. I know they are rats and not mice because their footsteps sound heavy and mean. I hear them scratching and clawing their way around with great concentration. It was so creepy at first that I had to put a pillow over my ears to sleep. The cats would look up at the ceiling whenever they heard these noises, but it's hard to explain to a cat that there is no way for them to get at the rats due to the stucco and sheet rock of the ceiling. They seem so confused about this that it makes me slap my thigh with laughter.

The Ancient One called the exterminator who showed up yesterday with 12 traps! I don't care how they die, I just want my peaceful sleep back, but I did get a shiver when I saw the torture traps. Ronnie, the rat man, suggested that I might hear a few pops in the middle of the night, but not to worry about it. Don't worry about it? Right...just forget about the movie, Willard, and drift off to problem.

Those of you who believe in relocation rather then extermination of rats should skip reading from here.

Sure enough, not only did I hear a popping sound, but then the death rattle and the squirming of tiny rat feet trying to get out of the trap...then silence. I put my headphones on and listened to a meditation tape until I fell asleep (is this a spiritual oxymoron?). And, now all I can picture this morning are the bodies in the traps in the attic. Although I have a soul and believe that the dead rats have now gone to rat heaven, I know that there will be at least a hundred rats coming into the world to replace the few that Ronnie murdered with his traps.

This gives me comfort...?

I say, kill'em all!


I fuckin' hate bugs. I hate them more than anything. I hate them more than rats and bats and even snakes. Actually, snakes are kind of cool. I have poison ant powder for the back yard, wasp spray for the front porch and Buddy (my cat) for inside the house. I once saw him jump up into the air and catch a fly in mid flight across livingroom. He is awesome at times.

If someone tells me I have a bug on me at a party or something, my arms go flapping, my back arches and my head swings around 180 degrees. I look like some demented ostrich flapping its wings in terror and unable to fly. I'm yelling, ' Get it off, get it off!!' turning my head upside down and shaking my hair to make sure the bug is not there. It just freaks me out. And then I realize what I looked like as I simultaneously see that I am all the way across the yard or room or from wherever the bug was.

When we were young we threw tarantulas at each other and laughed and thought that was hysterical. Once KK chased me around my grandmother's yard with a cicada in her hand. I was traumatized for life. I used to like to sit and look at the praying mantis' in the back yard and I thought they were kind of pretty. Also, mother told me they were good for the garden so I didn't get any wierd feelings about them. Lady bugs are okay, especially the yellow ones. That's it. All other bugs are evil and deserve to die. Scorpions freak me out and so do those black and white boars that live in the big trees and any kind of beetle (except June bugs), cock roaches, termites, etc.

I'm worried about the bees. You know, they think the bees are all dying because they can't find their ways back to the hives any more because of the cell phone towers. The Queen then dies and that's the end of that. Over at the Hula Hut they have a problem with bees outside on the outdoor pier/patio. So they do what lots of people in Texas do and hang big plastic bags full of water from the rafters over the tables. The bees see themselves a thousand times in the water which is like a mirror to them and then they run away and don't bother the diners. If I see bees around I do the ostrich dance then too. They have a tendency to want to dive-bomb me for some reason.

Well, I could go on and on about bugs but that would probably give me nightmares so off I go to water the yard where I have to navigate the spider webs. People here in Austin go all out for Halloween and decorate their houses just like they would for Christmas except with orange and black instead of red and green. They put giant spiders on their front doors and bushes. That's kind of awesome.


1 comment:

Barry said...

Testing the comment capability...