Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Welcome to the Evening News...

Are your local TV news personalities as entertaining as ours? The woman on our NBC affiliate was arrested a few months ago for DUI. You should see her. She looks like she should be doing the Nekkid News for a Latino station...VERY hot chica, but she yells the news. That bothers me. I want to bitch slap her and tell her that for those viewers who are deaf, we can turn up our own volume at home. She wears false eyelashes and RED lipstick and her only competition is the gay weatherman with his yellow shirts with pink stripes and matching ties.

On another channel, we have the field reporter with a lithp. This is REALLY dithtracting. I understand the whole equal opportunity employer thingy, but this child needs some speech therapy. I have a morbid fascination in watching her lips because I can't figure out how she can be so off, which then means that I have NO idea what the story is that she's reporting. And, someone with a lithp going into news broadcasting is a little like Diane Keaton selling skin wrinkle cream, right? Or Kirsty Ally for Jenny Craig. I'm just sayin.'

There are two news anchors here in the A-Town who are almost as old as I, and they just keep moving from network to network. You'd think they would get it by being sacked by ABC, and then you'd think that the CBS affiliate would think twice before hiring them, and then when those ratings dive, I'd commit the NBC station manager to a nut house for taking them in after two other massive failures. There are even COMMERCIALS about them and how they're experienced and knowledgeable, but everyone would much rather watch the hot chica than either one of them...bless their hearts.

Of course, there are the requisite 'blondes.' One of them is absolutely beautiful but cannot finish a sentence without a misspeak to save her life. I am continually amazed that she's still working as she bumblefucks her way through a story. Am I the only one who notices these things? I think not.

Because we like to keep things 'weird' here in the A-Town (it's actually our city's moniker), we have the local white-haired, bearded 'everyman,' who does special interest stories about nutty people around the hill country of central Texas. And, to make his style points at the end of each program, he'll say, " and THAT'S the wayitis in OUR little neckofthe woods." This is another person I'd like to wallop. His delusions of grandeur far outweigh his story content. I am compelled to watch this program of his in spite of him because of the total wack-a-doos whom he finds in the little nooks and crannies of small villages, underground caves, snake farms and trailer parks.

I won't mention the weight problems with which some of our news people grapple...oops, I accidentally did, didn't I? Well, now that it's out...tsk, tsk, tsk. They should not be allowed to cover stories on food, exercising, weight loss or healthy eating, okay? It's embarrassing.

Good Night Chet.



When I was a little kid I wanted to be either a cowgirl, a nun or a news reporter. I thought all you had to do was stand in front of a big picture of the White House and read from a big sign that somebody held up for you. That's the way the news reporters looked in the 50's. But there were not any women back then. They were all men and they smoked on camera too. I thought that was very cool and wanted to be just like them; serious, important and able to pal around with Hemmingway or Ed Sullivan.

Now I realize that I would never have been able to pull it off. My problem is that I just can't keep my mouth shut when I should. And I have a tendency to say things as they are. I can just hear me now, "Well, David, here we are in west Texas at the site of the devastation this monster tornado left in its wake. Luckily and magically there were no injuries but this whole town looks like a big old heap of crap. People are just going to have to bum some food and clothes off of their families in other towns cause what with the government being sidetracked by the stupid ass war in Viet Nam, I doubt that there will be any relief for these people any time soon. They'll be lucky to scrounge up some Bud and a bag of Cheetos before the Red Cross rolls in with some desperately needed blankets, spam and Lucky Strikes. Till then, David, these people are just shit out of luck. Back to you."

Barbara Walters opened the way for women in network reporting but she paid the price. Gilda Radner pointed out her speech impediment on Saturday Night Live to the whole world and after interviewing every important person on the planet she ended up on a show with Rosie O'Donnell. It's so sad.

I guess I'll be signing off now. Good night, David.



Rhea said...

You made me want to look up all these newscasters. I can't wait to see the freak show!

Mental P Mama said...

One of our veteran newswomen said "fuck" on live tv last night. Both funny and sad at the same time. Though I must say there is quite an allure to that field...

Mage And George said...

Ah yes, your news folks sound just like our news folks. They rotate channel to channel, and no one tells you when and where this is happening. Older women news anchors, really known as talking heads, are moved to morning shows then out the door when ratings plumet.

One roving reporter of ours listps also. Another just got busted for punching his girlfriend in the mouth. Suspended too. We have weather persons galore. One K YOU SI weather person helped found the Weather Channel then got fired. Life is newsworthy in the news business, but no one reports it. Good nite Gals.

Bear Naked said...

When one of our local newscasters speaks there are certain words that he says that produces a whistle through his teeth.
Very distracting to say the least.
And we also have the blonde bimbo weathergirl with the too tight plunging neckline tops and the mini skirt just BEARLY (a blatant plug for my blog) covering her hoohaw.

forsythia said...

I'll say this about our locals. They seem to enjoy each other's company very much, and spend lots of times laughing at each other's witticisms. The rest of us feel left out of a crowd we never wanted to be part of in the first place.

That girl from Shallotte said...

Oh. Mah. Gah. It took me twice as long as it should have to read this because I was laughing so hard.

You are the funniest people on the Internet.