Friday, May 23, 2008

Please Hold...for the next available representative

You can tell where I'm headed with THIS title! Just spoke to 'the next available representative' at my bank because I tried to log in to my online banking site which I've done about 3,639 times...and now way, Jose...wrong password...blocked...locked...better luck next time...might be case sensitive...yada, yada, yada.

I really tried to be as nice to him as I could. As a matter of fact, I even said, "I'm going to try to be as nice to you as I can when I ask you WHY MY PASSWORD NO LONGER WORKS!?" Bless his heart...he works at a bank for Gawd's sake and all he wants to do on this Friday of the Memorial Day holiday weekend is get the fuck OUT of the bank and OFF the phone with pissed-off middle-agers like me. I don't blame him.

After he asked me if there was "anything else I can help you with today?" I scoffed, "Guess NOT if you can't fix my FIRST problem." That call just did not go well.

How do you like the new technology for automated people? They sound like they're smiling. The men behind the curtains have programmed them to apologize..."I'm sorry, did you say animal fart? I couldn't quite understand you." See how you can play with these creatures?

But if you want an operator, the automated person (and why are they usually women? Because we're the gentler sex...HA!) will say to you, "Let's see if I can help you. Can you be more specific?" You keep saying OPERATOR, but it does not compute with, let's call her Lolittle Lolate. You know why? I have found the have to say REPRESENTATIVE which is the new politically correct term for operator. No one officially told us that, but we're supposed to know it. Now you know. It took me a long time talking to a non-person to get that information so use it carefully.

How about the automated woman with 'information,' which they don't call 'information' anymore, it's 'directory assistance.' "What city and state please?" I like to say, "Oshkosh,' to which 'it' replies, "I'm sorry, did you say 'Poshnosh.' "Yes," I say.

I think maybe I need to leave the house more often, get out more, go for a long drive in the country, smoke a 6-month old half-doobie...SOMETHING to release me from the grip of the automated female phone warriors who are only after ONE THING....WORLD DOMINATION!!

Thanks for calling...have a nice day,



I would be terrible as one of those people on the other end of the 'pissed off/I need help' calls. Those people are so patient.  Where do they find them?  Those people don't drive on I-35 or work at the post office.  

I would probably be fired on the first day.  "Just shut the fuck up and listen, lady!  It's not my damn  fault that you were on hold for 20 minutes, bought a computer that's way beyond your little mind's ability to understand and have a temper like Henry the Eighth.  Just turn your computer off and then turn it on again and pray for the best, okay?!  I don't have time for your sniveling so buhbye." Click.

I can remember when I was working on a movie about 25 years ago and somebody was talking about the fact that some producers in Hollywood didn't even answer their phones anymore. They had these things called answering machines and you would leave a message and then they would call you back.  One of about every five people who heard of this said they would never, repeat NEVER talk to a machine.  How impersonal!!!  Do you remember that?  Now if you don't have voice mail people think you have stolen somebody's identity and are hiding out in Juarez.  

We all talk to machines now like they are people and talk to people like they are machines.  But that is because the answerers are too specialized. I expect the real people to solve my problem with a modicum of feedback, excuse my expletives and then kindly give me directions to the closest liquor store.  I want one-stop shopping in voice over that covers trouble shooting my DVR,  the point spread on the next Longhorns game,  and psychic answers to who keyedthe word,  'asshole' into the driver's side of my Honda Civic.  And I, like everybody else, want it instantaneously.

Is that too much to ask,



Bear Naked said...

What gets me is the hit 1 for English or 2 for French and then after you hit 1 for English you are connected to someone in a foreign country who supposedly is speaking English to you.
Makes me veddy veddy angee!

scotte said...

just giv e me your digits and I'll send you the 6 month old half burned doober.

Elaine said...

What gets me is the ones where you can push a number or speak an option and I speak the option exactly as requested and it doesn't understand me. Banks are nothing compared to the phone company. Don't even get me started on that. Okay. Too late! I now know how to punch the numbers to get to a real person (having learned after being on hold for an hour ... yes, an hour) and that takes 20 minutes. gosh... I'm going to forget about this and have a wonderful holiday weekend instead. But you go! Keep on embarrassing customer service. They need it.

QueenofPlanetHotflash said...

I had the same fun today. I got an Auto woman that apparently doesn't comprehend any type of English. I repeated my account number three times to only hear, I'm sorry I can not understand that. Finally I got connected to a representive after a five minute wait, and lo and behold I get Aqumire from Buttfruk India and I can't understand a friggin word he says after hewo, so picture this: pissed off, menopasual Kentucky woman telling off Aqumire in her hillbilly slang glory and Aqumire saying, "I sorly I am not knowing what you say."
Pour me another...

Snooty Primadona said...

OMG! This totally made me double over in giggles! I'm going to have to remember that word..... REPRESENTATIVE. But, hey, at least you actually understood him. That's what I call progress. Whatever.

Treasia said...

If you only knew how much I needed this laugh tonight. Thank you so very much for it. LOL. I can't understand a word from any of them when I do finally get a real live breathing person on the line and I ask them to spell most of what they are saying. If they ask you for English then dear god give me someone who actually speaks it fluently.

Gaining Some LB's said...

ohhh I am so tired of automatic systems. Then when you do get someone.....they are usually over in India, which pisses me off even more!!!

Did I hear you say...smoke a doobie????

Good golly miss molly.....I am all over that one!!

Peace #2

Bill Evertson said...

You ask why are they usually women? I think we men have been lulled into thinking that women are problem solvers, nurturers, able to get things done. I've had two bad experiences in dealing with companies where the women seemed best as stone wallers - preventing me from finding the person to that makes the decision. You may need a job. but stop protecting the rich white guy!