I really tried to be as nice to him as I could. As a matter of fact, I even said, "I'm going to try to be as nice to you as I can when I ask you WHY MY PASSWORD NO LONGER WORKS!?" Bless his heart...he works at a bank for Gawd's sake and all he wants to do on this Friday of the Memorial Day holiday weekend is get the fuck OUT of the bank and OFF the phone with pissed-off middle-agers like me. I don't blame him.
After he asked me if there was "anything else I can help you with today?" I scoffed, "Guess NOT if you can't fix my FIRST problem." That call just did not go well.
How do you like the new technology for automated people? They sound like they're smiling. The men behind the curtains have programmed them to apologize..."I'm sorry, did you say animal fart? I couldn't quite understand you." See how you can play with these creatures?
But if you want an operator, the automated person (and why are they usually women? Because we're the gentler sex...HA!) will say to you, "Let's see if I can help you. Can you be more specific?" You keep saying OPERATOR, but it does not compute with, let's call her Lolittle Lolate. You know why? I have found the key...you have to say REPRESENTATIVE which is the new politically correct term for operator. No one officially told us that, but we're supposed to know it. Now you know. It took me a long time talking to a non-person to get that information so use it carefully.
How about the automated woman with 'information,' which they don't call 'information' anymore, it's 'directory assistance.' "What city and state please?" I like to say, "Oshkosh,' to which 'it' replies, "I'm sorry, did you say 'Poshnosh.' "Yes," I say.
I think maybe I need to leave the house more often, get out more, go for a long drive in the country, smoke a 6-month old half-doobie...SOMETHING to release me from the grip of the automated female phone warriors who are only after ONE THING....WORLD DOMINATION!!
Thanks for calling...have a nice day,
I would be terrible as one of those people on the other end of the 'pissed off/I need help' calls. Those people are so patient. Where do they find them? Those people don't drive on I-35 or work at the post office.
I would probably be fired on the first day. "Just shut the fuck up and listen, lady! It's not my damn fault that you were on hold for 20 minutes, bought a computer that's way beyond your little mind's ability to understand and have a temper like Henry the Eighth. Just turn your computer off and then turn it on again and pray for the best, okay?! I don't have time for your sniveling so buhbye." Click.
I can remember when I was working on a movie about 25 years ago and somebody was talking about the fact that some producers in Hollywood didn't even answer their phones anymore. They had these things called answering machines and you would leave a message and then they would call you back. One of about every five people who heard of this said they would never, repeat NEVER talk to a machine. How impersonal!!! Do you remember that? Now if you don't have voice mail people think you have stolen somebody's identity and are hiding out in Juarez.
We all talk to machines now like they are people and talk to people like they are machines. But that is because the answerers are too specialized. I expect the real people to solve my problem with a modicum of feedback, excuse my expletives and then kindly give me directions to the closest liquor store. I want one-stop shopping in voice over that covers trouble shooting my DVR, the point spread on the next Longhorns game, and psychic answers to who keyedthe word, 'asshole' into the driver's side of my Honda Civic. And I, like everybody else, want it instantaneously.
Is that too much to ask,