Thursday, May 8, 2008

Midlife Humiliations

"Do you have trouble getting urine to pass?" One of the MANY new television commercials aimed at our age group. I especially like the new one about gas where the office colleague tells his boss, whose mind is focused on nothing BUT his gaseous problem, "Sir, your son is line toot." that one makes me laugh out loud with my head back.

You poor mens, because a LOT of those commercials are aimed at YOU, but then you do die before we do usually. Like the commercial about the shrinking prostate and the poor man who is spray-painting all the tiny planets for his upcoming display has to keep going to the bathroom. You won't like this, but I have so little sympathy for those of you with this problem. Try sitting on a toilet seat that still holds the last lady's pee pee that you couldn't see because the ultraviolet lighting wasn't quite at the right angle. Here's to all of you who could simply stop the car on a long road trip, walk to the side...or not...whip it out and pee right there standing up instead of squatting behind the car so no one would see you except all the station wagons full of other families who came up the hill and then passed by you waving, laughing and screaming. There is justice in there somewhere. And you could target your spray instead of wind up with a pair of wet tennis shoes when you got back in the car. Do I sound bitter?

When I used to teach yoga, I had a posture that I called the 'water closet hover.' This posture is where one simply bends the knees as low as one can go while the back is straight and the arms are stretched straight out in the front. Ha!, you may say, but this is a required position in any toilet stall so as to NOT sit down on someone else's pee pee. It also gives the thighs great definition if you use it either going to the bathroom often or taking a lot of yoga classes.

There isn't one of our kind who hasn't had to leave a room after passing gas or pooting as The Ancient One calls it. That's a given, but the difference between the mens and the womans is that the mens push and the womans pull it back in. They don't call them skid marks for nothing! In our cases, we puff up like toads until we're in a secured, closed-off area far away from any form of civilization and then, and only then, do we let'er rip.

SalGal swallows her burps. I don't even know how one does that, but sure enough, she keeps them inside. Every now and again, out of the blue, she'll say, "Oops, excuse me." I say, "What in the hell for?" "I burped." "You call that a BURP?" And then we start laughing and a small amount of tee tee escapes because we just can't hold it in. I am lovin middle age! I have a gal pal who has to stand and cross her legs completely around each other if someone says something funny because she really can't hold it in which makes everyone around her laugh even harder. She then hops around the room on that one leg with her head back and her mouth wide open...just peeing and laughing.

There are so many more humiliations that this will be just the first part of a humiliation series. Stay tuned!!




Hahaha, she does do that and when she does she looks like some manic Pez dispenser that Tim Burton made because she has platinum, spiked out hair and the biggest mouth you ever saw. When she laughs her face disappears and becomes this huge cavern that has white stalagmites sticking up over it. (Tim Burton did 'The Night Before Christmas'just so you know)

I have this squidgy thingy on my left eyelid. It reminds me of the lava flow from a volcano I saw once. The lava was turned into rock but it still looked like it did when it was coming down the hill. I have to put on my make-up using a #5 magnifying mirror so that squidgy thingy looks about an inch wide. When I'm talking to someone and they are looking at my eyes I'm sure they are thinking, 'Why doesn't she get that squidgy thingy on her eye removed. Hmmm, maybe she doesn't think it's noticeable. I will keep looking at it so she will know it's there.'

I got a skin tag frozen off the outer edge of my right eye last week but Dr. Schulz (our dermatologist) said he couldn't do anything about squidgy thingy. I have to go to Dr. Schulz all the time to get skin tags, moles and age spots frozen off. He just looks at me and says, 'Are you ready for some pain?' So delicate. I told him beauty knows no pain and I will be coming to him until all of the squidgies all over my body are completely gone. I expected him to say something like, 'Don't worry, a couple of years - look bettah.' Kindly, old Doctor Welby he's not. Instead he just grinned a devilish smile and said, 'Good, because that means you'll be coming to me for the rest of your life.'

And that's just my eye lids. There are things going on all over my body that if I had known about when I was sixteen I probably would have crawled under the bed and curled up in the fetal position. The good thing about all of this is that my ability to deal with all of this physical stuff gets easier the older I get. I guess God planned it that way.

If you have a big mole where people can see it, get it taken off because people can see it and it's gross,

I have


Treasia said...

So funny and so very true! I constantly tell my hubby that I am going to either have to start wearing depends or use a catheter.

Mental P Mama said...

LOL my mother called it poot, too!

Merelyme said...

i am peeing in my pants right now...laughing. oh my lord you gals are hilarious! i am gonna tell my blog friends to come right on over here to visit.

Mage And George said...

Hey, then there is the one under my left breast my derm doc cut off and cut off and cut off. Did I mention the one on my shin that was frozen off and frozen off.
Then again, I've given up on that yoga pose. Now days I do the drop and collapse. Cursing isn't an option any more because I am usually at work in uniform and a "public Guest Service person." You cannot just sit there and say what you think when covered with someone elses pee any more. Nor can you go home and change.

Thanks for the laughs.

JafaBrit's Art said...

I love your attitude lol!

I discovered a miraculous thing when I hit my late 40's, I am invisible. Only time I got noticed in the local shop was when I walked into a bong shop and they freaked out thinking I might be a nark or something. It was quite funny.

all the best

Elaine said...

OMG this was so funny! You are so right on when it comes to sitting on a wet toilet seat from the previous occupant! Nothing makes me madder. Or how about lines so long that we just hold it in, men never have to experience that.

I hear ya on the skin tags, just disgustng how all this stuff starts growing at a certain age. Thank God for dermatologists.