Our BFF, Pam, told us a story yesterday about an Asian hairdresser she used to go to who once got all caught up in a story she was telling Pam while she was cutting her hair. She put both hands on Pam's shoulders, one holding the scissors dangerously close to her ear and then looked into the mirror at Pam instead of looking directly at her. And, as she got more and more wound up telling Pam her story as she snipped and snipped, Pam watched in horror at the woman who was making a MOCKERY of the haircut Pam had walked in with...and, even though Pam was stupified, when she gently complained (as she wrote the check anyway...as all women do), the woman's response was, "No Worry...two week...look bettuh!" Of course, I woke up this morning thinking about other circumstances where this might also be appropriate.
Although I've never been under the plastic surgery knife myself, I can imagine a non-certified doctor assuring his gobsmacked patient upon unwrapping the gauze, "No worry...two week...look bettuh. We've all seen photos of women who have paid large sums of money to have some quack erase the face they walked in with. Hair grows back, but the face...and those pumped-up lips??? I'm just sayin.
If you were a coward you could use this as you sped away from a fender-bender that was entirely YOUR fault, leaving the poor schmuck standing next to his Lexus with his arms spread wide as you rolled down the window and shouted, "NO WORRY...TWO WEEK...LOOK BETTUH!"
Here's a situation where this would absolutely not work. If you wanted three red hearts tattooed across your upper arm in honor of your faith and the holy trinity, only the tattoo artist misunderstood and put three 666's there instead, he would probably run before he would try the, "No worry...two week...look bettuh."
And, every nurse who puts the brand new sticky, gooey baby in the mother's arms right after it had spent nine months inside her body should always say, "No worry...two week...look bettuh!"
I actually had a cowboy wake up next to me in 1978 who said that exact same thing. He really did look better two weeks later but that was because it was 1AM in the morning at the bar at The Broken Spoke and I had had two shots of Cuervo and a Long Island Ice Tea.
I had to have a good talkin-to with my giant, red hydrangea named Fantasia. She has been looking very peekid ever since the freezes started happening in the early mornings. She doesn't like being cold, she's a Texan. I assured her, 'Don't worry...two weeks...you'll look better'. She doesn't believe me though. Ever since her pet primrose died in the last freeze she thinks I lie to her. But I swear I never promised her that the primrose would make it through the winter. She just assumed...
The quote for the day is my cat Buddy's answer to everything, especially to our little calico cat, 'Odessa'. I heard them talking just the other day. "Yoo play too har! You scwatch my noze!!' Buddy's answer? 'No wowy...two wee..moo mettuh'. I admonished him for humping the white, fuzzy bath mat too but his answer was still the same.
What can I do..