Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Give-It-Up Wednesday

All you people who celebrated Fat Tuesday yesterday should be ashamed of yourselves...for not taking at least three Ibuprophen before you went to bed last night so you wouldn't have a hang over this morning! And, if I were about 30 years younger and a LOT stupider, I woulda been on Bourbon Street yesterday, no question.

But, we pay the piper on THIS day, right? This Ash Wednesday is for you Catholics out there. We didn't have very many Catholics in west Texas in the fifties...and I'm not sure that the ones we DID have were into the whole Lent thingy either. As a matter of fact, the first time I ever saw someone with the Catholic ashes in the shape of a cross on their forehead took me in another direction, and being the type who is always trying to be helpful, I went up to the person and wiped away the ashes and said, "Bless your heart, you have some dirt on your forehead!"

Even though I'm not Catholic, I used to give something up for Lent every year. Everyone seemed to be doing it, so I piled on. And, I wasn't going to give up some piss-ant little bitty thing either. I used to give up JUDGMENT for Lent! Ambitious, you might say, and I have to agree, although it was such a fun exercise. Someone with whom I would normally play the judgment, gossip, finding fault game would suddenly become mute as I would proclaim on this Give-It-Up Wednesday, "Oops. I'll have to get back to you with my opinion on that after Easter." They would look agape at me then get kinda bitchy and walk away. I didn't lose any tacky friends over this however, because they all knew that the day after Easter, I'd be right back in that judgment saddle again...with SPURS!!!

So, this year, I'm just going to give up giving anything up, how's that? It's too debilitating and exhausting, and Gawd already has enough on me to put me away for (after)LIFE, so I just have to continue to keep my own teeny weeny corner clean and hope he's too busy to notice.



Okay, now let me get this straight. Catholics go to New Orleans on the Tuesday night before they know they have to give up something and they have ashes on their heads. They then proceed to get snot-slinging drunk and the young girls show their tits to anybody who walks by the balcony. Perhaps this helps them make the final decision on what it is they are going to give up. And you say they have to give this thing up until Easter? Jews at Mardi Gras? Or Muslims? It's really funny because I always thought it was 'lint' and they were giving up sweeping under the furniture or brushing the cats. It's much more dire than that, isn't it. I also always thought Baptists, Mormons and Athiests had to give up lint too but now I see how wrong I was.

Let's see...what would I give up... Does it have to be food or drink? Can it be something like...wearing red shoes or...taking a shower? Eewwww...that would be really gross. How long is it till Easter anyway? KK says March 23rd. Can you imagine not taking a shower or having alcohol or wearing red shoes for that long? I would rather give up doing something I don't want to do anyway. I've got it - I will give up plucking my eyebrows, drinking vinegar and cutting The Ancient One's toenails. Yeah, yeah...and KK is giving up giving up anything so that works out great. No, wait...then I would end up looking like Sasquatch's wife on Easter and The Ancient One would have slash-rips in her bedroom slippers.

It seems to me that all the Catholics would want to party on Easter instead of Fat Tuesday. That makes more sense. After abstaining from doing anything enjoyable for over a month - I think I might go a little crazy. I'm still not getting this 'give up something' thing. What is the purpose of that? We deprive ourselves and then we feel holy? Easter is the day Jesus rose so then all the Catholics get to partay on that day and celebrate that he is risen.

Well, that calls for a drink,


Janie said...

Love the videos!!!!!!

kellypea said...

You are completely hilarious! I think I found you on my stats of all places. I was forced into Catholicism by my stepfather (sounds like a great novel, right?) and do remember the ashes on my forehead. Jeez. It gives me the creeps thinking about it right now. As for giving things up for Lent...the shower thingy is promising (wink) and the toenail thing is beyond gross. There's no way I'll forsake my about liver? Hmmmm?