Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Happy Valentine's Day!

I'm going to be optimistic on this romantic day even though I'm sweetheart-less today, so happy Valentine's Day to all of you bitches who have boyfriends or husbands.

For a Pisces who is in love with the mere IDEA of love, who's cried at every single wedding she's ever been to or in, including all three of her own, and who is still looking for her long-dead daddy out there in the form of the PERFECT man, I hope you all get laid tonight, I mean, I hope you gals get flowers, chocolates and/or diamonds and THEN get laid...but only if he works his ass off to make sure YOU have at least one .org (if you catch my drift).

I'm absolutely convinced that some poor schmuck is out there somewhere and has absolutely NO idea that this time next year, he'll be buying ME a Tiffany diamond bracelet and wondering how he ever got along in his life withOUT me. It makes me giggle to think of how he just won't know what hit him when we meet. On my list, he's rich, generous, kind, funny, handsome and tall...oh, and creative! Do you think I'm aiming high? Damn SKIPPY, I'm aiming high! When you get to be this age, if you haven't been married for 35 years and figured it all out, you've got a very CLEAR notion of what you don't want!

My last sweetheart tried to leave me one Valentine's Day. He was one of those assholes who thought that V-Day was invented by the Hallmark Card Co, and therefore needn't be paid attention to. He was like a caged animal on that one day, which I learned to live with and ignore as much as possible. Aside from the red flag on THAT point, I would just go out and buy MYSELF chocolates and flowers! We fought about it one night until he got so pissed off (because I was right) he went into the bedroom, packed a small bag and stormed out of the house with me yelling something like, "Happy fucking Valentine's Day you DICKHEAD!" What is really funny about this particular event is that he kept storming back INTO the house down the hall, all over the place looking for the keys to his car. He'd storm back out to the car to look again, with me sitting on the couch laughing silently at him. Finally, after he came back in the last time, I said, "If you're going to leave me motherfucker, then LEAVE me...GO AWAY!" When he shouted that he woulda been LONNNNNNG gone had he been able to find his keys, we both started laughing until we cried...and that was that. The next morning he found the keys inside one of his sneakers that he'd packed in his little'I'm-going-to-leave-you' bag in his haste to get away from me. Hehehe.

Oh, my new man has got to like both George Strait AND Placido Domingo. He can fall asleep at the opera if he doesn't snore or do that head bob thingy, but he's got to WANT to go with me. I'll go to the rodeos and fishing with him until the cows come's a trade off, right? Oh, and I'll be taking trips all over the world with him and withOUT him (just the girls, you know). He won't want to marry me or even live with me, but we'll date the rest of our lives. He'll be independent enough to enjoy his own life and living alone, so that won't be a problem. There's a companionship thing that comes with middle age, right. It's not so much about the 'boner' alarm in the middle of the night anymore.

I realize that I may be forced to compromise a bit, but if I can still wind up with 65% off my list then I'll be doing GREAT! And, please don't rain on my fantasy parade here. Remember (SalGal), it's Valentine's Day!



Happy Valentine's Day KK! I have to hurry because we are going out together as we don't have boyfriends at the moment. Maybe we will meet some nice men tonight. KK looks really pretty. She still has fantasies. I think I would just as soon drink up and enjoy the show and come home with KK. She doesn't snore, pays for the wine and doesn't have the long balls. See, that's the thing with men our age...the long balls. They are okay but I remember when I was in my twenties and the boys had balls like Egyptian figs. Ahhh...I remember. Now their balls are sort of like half-filled balloons hanging down there. Or maybe like light bulbs. It kinda depends on the man.

Gotta go KK is crooking her finger at me! More on this stuff later,


Mental P Mama said...

Happy VD! I hope my husband doesn't read this whole post. My secrets are out!

Snooty Primadona said...

Ok, just remember this about us gals out here who are in mid-life with mid-life hubbys. Martin Short was on David Letterman tonight & performed a Broadway worthy song for his wife Nancy, for Valentine's Day. It was all about whether he would be able to "perform" for her this year, then he breaks into a chorus about Viagra... you get the drift. It was very "vampy" and he even did a bit of a goofy striptease as he sang. I was laughing so hard I thought for sure I'd bust open my c-section scar that I've had for 25 years, LOL! So, it set me to thinkin' (always a dangerous thing in the mind of the wrong person)... Doctors only give middle-age men a non-refillable prescription for Viagra that is for only 4 pills. Ok, so like since we're middle age we are presumed to have sex only 4 times a year? Maybe our parents... helloooo! I'm still in a fog as to what that's all about. Apparently, Martin Short must have been saving his Viagra up for V-Day, lol. Anyway, hope you gals have a nice V-Day... with or without "Mr. Big". Look at it this way: Would you rather be alone on V-Day or be on a date with a potential Ted Bundy? Eeeeewwww! How's that for putting things in perspective? Because actually, your chances (statistically speaking) pretty much lean toward the Bundy scenario, hehehehe. So, I'd like to suggest that you & SalGal find a sitter for The Ancient One (or give her a pill), take yourselves out for a lovely dinner & cocktails and celebrate being alive, because the two of you ROCK!!

Cheers ~ Snooty ;-)

Mental P Mama said...

lol. The. Long. Balls. Too damn funny. Gravity really is a bitch.

brneyedgal967 said...


Long balls. Oh my buhjeezus. I have a theory about that. The guys who wear tighty-whitey's don't seem to get as hangy. The dudes that wear boxers, well, whatever hangs free in the wind is going to sag eventually.

They should at least string sea shells from them if they're gonna hang that long. Make a windchime outta them or something useful.

ginger said...

WEll, as a few of my items are heading south(only a few??), I sure don't have room to comment! LOL! But-I think it is harder(so to speak) having a man that wants it when I don't(for the first time in my life-don't ask me about my 40's, they were DAMN busy) than not having one at all! LOL! Happy post Valentine's Day to us all!

Connie Bontje said...

"he's rich, generous, kind, funny, handsome and tall...oh, and creative"
No you can't have him - that's my husband...oh wait did you say rich? Forget it he doesn't exist!