Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I had a Dream

No, not that kind of dream, unfortunately. I'm not that deep. I had a dream that we fucked up planet Earth so badly that we all had to jump ship and move to other planets. I love dreams like this because you get to literally make up your own reality. If it's a reflection on who I really am, however, I'm in a lot of trouble!

I chose to move to the planet Switcheroo because I was curious about the name. Turns out that upon landing on this planet, women take on the neurological characteristics of men and visee versee! Before my group of immigrants could even leave the spaceport, we had to attend an indoctrination class... for the women, a quick primer on how to act like a man, creating sample scenarios in front of the class. My scene involved a man pleading with me to pay more attention to him...that he felt neglected and he accused me of being emotionally disconnected. "Pish posh," I said, "Get over it and bring me a beer." Gawd, that felt so good in my dream. I was able to see how easy it could be to dismiss the opposite sex without feeling the least bit of guilt.

On the other hand, when the man began to cry, it made me feel awful. I felt protective and asked him not to cry. He looked so sweet and innocent and I was filled with remorse over having hurt his feelings. I realized how strong this man was, yet vulnerable at the same time. As I put my arm around him, I said, "Honey, if I give you a big, fat diamond ring, send you off to the best spa on the planet and give you whatever kinds of flowers they grow here every single day with a card telling you how much I adore you, will you stop crying?" He just looked up at me and smiled, and I knew that everything would be alright and that, although it would probably cost me a LOT to live in this new place, I would really dig being on the planet Switcheroo!

When I woke up, I giggled at how flawed we humans are, but with all of our flaws and foibles come DELICIOUS content for postings such as this!



I don't know KK, that seems like an awful lot of crap to do to keep the man happy. It seems to me that he should get a life or maybe a hobby or something so you could concentrate on bringing home the bacon. I mean if you are busy running the planet they need to just shut the hell up, make some macaroni & cheese and potty-train the kids.

Do the men on your planet actually get pregnant and have the kids? Because that seems only fair. But then that means the baby would come out of their penis...unless they have vaginas too. Can you imagine a baby coming out of a penis? OMG!! That would be like trying to force a watermelon through a garden hose. You could do it but then imagine what the watermelon would look like after it came out. It would take a few days for it to regain its shape of a nice plump baby from that of a wrinkled, one-month-old spaghetti squash.

But see, here's the thing...I like manly men. So, if I'm running the planet, I would want my man to be strong and wear jeans. I would wear dresses like Cate Blanchett in The Golden Age. I would look like a queen and act llike the bitch I always wished I could be. I would be able to say, 'Be gone with you!' and mean it. I would eat food shaped like swans, drive cars that fly and float on water, and create women's sports bars whose giant television screens show only the cooking channel, Dr. Phillippa and Flip This Man.



Snooty Primadona said...

Omigawd! Your two are just too hilarious and strangely compliment one another nicely, like meatballs & spaghetti. Let's see... if I were going to that strange new planet called Switcheroo, I'd make sure there are lots of younger, better looking men around than my spouse, all of the time, everywhere we go. That way, I could sit & ogle them everywhere we went so my spouse would squirm & wonder why I'm always looking at others, even when he's talking to me. Also, I'd prefer that after shooting those spaghetti squash babies out the hatch (or is that pee-hole? lol), it would take at least a year for them lose weight, so that I could complain about it all the time & say I'm going to leave him if he stays fat. Yeah! That's the ticket! I'm starting to like this place already... when do we leave? Oh crap! We'll all have to morph ourselves into KK dreams, lol. Then, what if she doesn't let us out????

Mental P Mama said...

Y'all are too funny. Just think, if men had the babies, then there would never be an anti-choice debate. I'm just saying.

Egghead said...

I am still waiting for my husband to go through childbirth and he is now a grandfather. Perhaps I waited too long to pray.