Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Thermostat Wars!

This is not just a gender issue. Unless you live by yourself, you will run into this problem. Since I now live in a house with SalGal and The Ancient One, and SalGal and I have hot flashes on a regular basis, this IS AN ISSUE!

The Ancient One likes to wake up with icicles frozen at the openings of her nose. This Icelandic condition requires that I sleep with the covers completely entombing me, which can be claustrophobic if I let myself go there in my mind.

SalGal tries to mediate and create a room temperature that is closer to room temperature as a compromise. But, when you live in a house full of women, there is a lot of middle-of-the-night action from beds to the bathrooms to tinkle. Each time we make this journey we all change the thermostat to our liking...fuck the others in the house is our sleepy, hazy thought process at these times, and then SalGal gets up and regulates our extremes each time. I like to think of it as sort of a thermostat ballet.

I like it hot. When I lived alone, I wanted the temperature to be such that if I wanted to walk around nekkid, the hardness of my nips would not precede me due to the artic climate. Not that I walk around nekkid ALL the time, but if I wanted to, I could without breaking out in goosebumps.

Because The Ancient One likes to have the front door open so she can see what's happening on our street AT ALL TIMES, we end up heating the porch in the winter and keeping it nice and cool in the summer. The electric bill, as a consequence, has caused involuntary gasps upon its receipt, but if that's what the old broad wants, that's what she gets to pay for.

For Christmas I got a yummy, soft, fleecy shawl to wear when I sit in my chair in the living room as we watch our evening television, but of late, SalGal's cat, Buddy, has decided that the shawl is either his long-dead mother or the girlfriend he wishes he had, so he dry humps a portion of it while keeping the other part in his mouth. It's a little creepy to see him so off base with an inanimate object and I feel like I should wash it every day. So, I'm cold without it as I make my way to the thermostat.

Perhaps this has something to do also with control issues. Since my New Year's resolution list includes as #7 - TRY to relinquish control using breathing techniques or Valium, this thermostat issue is a difficult one for me. I would like to have my own portable thermostat, frankly, so that whenever I even SEE one of those bitches walk toward the box on the wall, I can negate their actions from wherever I happen to be.

Please pray for us.


I'm telling you this whole thing is really ridiculous. If it's 80% degrees outside, The Ancient One lies on the couch like Jabba The Hut with a blanket up to her chin and a hot water bottle at her feet. She likes the temperature at about 30% below zero at night because she likes to snuggle down into her covers and 'be cozy'. Sheesh. And then there's KK. She gets cold if it's not up to 90 degrees because she is a died in the wool Texan. Texans can't stand to be cold you know. They like to be hot, especially the women so they can wear sandals and shorts and everybody can see the pretty new shade of Dragon's Blood Red toenail polish they just bought.

I like 75%. That's perfect. That's the day you turn off the heater and the air conditioner and open the windows. But oh no...That's too cold or too hot for somebody. Bitches. So, Mother says that you can't turn the heater/air conditioner off because then it uses too much energy to fire itself up again so just keep it on heat at 65% and if the temp gets down there then the heat will come on. But KK says no, no put it on air conditioning at 85% and then if it gets over that the cool air will come on. Okay I'm dyslexic and this shit drives me crazy.

Let's all just be grateful - those of us with heaters and air conditioners, that we have climate control in the first place. I lived in Austin in the summer of 1978 without an air conditioner and it was like living in a preheated oven. My hair curled up like a Brillo pad from the sweat on my head, I was as lazy as a dead armadillo and drank and retained enough water to feed Barton Springs.

I'm not touching that damned thermostat any more. I'm just going to let the bitches fight it out and get out my wool gloves, bathing suit or ski parka depending on who was the last one to adjust the wall unit.



Denise said...

We had this same issue at our house. I am a midlife gal that is raising a teenager that just lllooovvveeesss summer. We now have one of those room size portable heaters in every room of the house. We can now have a temperature to our liking wherever we are :)

Flaming Lacer said...

Oh boy, am I ever with you - my temeprature goes up and down like a bride's nightdress! I entirely empathise, sympathise and everything-ise.

Elaine said...

I live alone at the mo', but have lived with others in the past. The portable heater/cooler thing could help. But wow! what a situation. Best of Irish luck to you!

The hot flash thing has tapered off for me. I hear that it can stop altogether. I can hope.

Vonda said...

I love the reference of flaming lacer when she said that her temperature goes up and down like a bride's nightdress. That so describes me. I also put individual little oil radiators in each room so we can trick the heat natzi aka my husband. He mans the thermostat and so we have to do something.