Thursday, January 31, 2008

Down The Hatch and Up The Wazoo!!

As we know, one of the initiation rites from Yung'unhood to midlifehood is the colonoscopy/endoscopy. You just gotta do it when you turn 50, like opening your first AARP invitation letter. It means you've arrived. Instead of St Peter at the Pearly Gates, it's Dr. Asshole with a long tube and a smile.

It was SalGal's turn this morning, as she's skated past this deadline for SEVEN years. And, this morning's procedure was not the problem as anyone knows who has had a colonoscopy...hehehe. I gotta tell you that I laughed at her every time she jumped up to run to the bathroom last night. Those medical people sure know how to give you stuff that empties the system in a damn hurry. After she swallowed the last 8 oz glass of Miralax mixed with Gatorade (like that makes a difference in the taste (?)), I started singing the old Carol King tune that my girlfriend, Cynthia sang to me after I swallowed my first tab of Acid in 1972...and it goes a little like this, "Well, it's tooooo late, ba-aby, now it's too late......" The rest of the song doesn't matter, and I know those of you who know this song went right into the melody, yes? Hehehe.

Bless her Texas heart, Sal got up early this morning and showered first thing and then put on her Chanel No. 5 lotion so she would smell good during the procedure. When the fragrance wafted into our magic room where I was opening my emails, I put my head down on the table and laughed out loud. She shaved her legs and under her arms too. She said that she didn't want anyone who was going to be that close to her body to feel any stubble. This is how The Ancient One raised us, you see.

On the way to the clinic in the car, Sal just kept heaving these huge sighs like she was the most contented human being on earth, but I looked at her and said, "You're doing that so you can catch a deeper breath, aren't you? Because, you're scared to death, aren't you?" to which she replied, "I've never had a tube with a camera on it moving around inside my body, OKAY?" Bless her heart.

SalGal sailed through the procedure like a champ with no complications and a relatively clean bill of health. I asked the doctor afterward whether he was able to find out why her stomach growls so loud as to stop a conversation in midstream at the dinner table. He actually looked at me and said, "She did not come to me about growling in her stomach. If she wants the answer to THAT question, she can make an appointment and we'll discuss it."

After he awoke in the next cubicle on the gurney where they put him after I knocked him out with a right to the temple, I asked him if he wanted to re-phrase his original answer to me. See? THIS woulda been SUCH a great thing to do, wouldn't it? Of course, I didn't do it, but I almost had ya, didn't I??




I think it is perfectly obvious what a cold, bitch my little sister is. She didn't mention that she went to a 'Tasting party' the night I was 'prepping' for this debacle. Oh, how she delighted in describing the bar-b-que and tacos that were offered at the event. She got such great joy out of my angst. She's right about the actual procedure not being anything to be afraid of though. The drugs they give you are enough to make anyone have a colonoscopy every Tuesday.

It's the so called, 'prep' that's the killer. You wouldn't believe the amount of fluids and laxatives you have to ingest. When they finally kicked in in the late afternoon I started having thoughts about the levees in New Orleans during 'Katrina'. You start feeling like one of those French geese who gets food stuffed down their gullets every day so that the pate fois gras (their livers) is smooth and delicious. And you can't eat any food. Better not or there will be thingies in your lower intestine or bowels or something. I can see my little, measely doctor now; sitting in his metal, folding chair across the room as I sat with my feet dangling off of the tall examination table. "And you'd better do everything the brochure says or the next day in the operating room you will be wasting your money and my time". And he said it like I was a two dollar whore who just asked Bill Gates for a date.

I wish KK had knocked that stupid doctor upside the head. Who do they think they are anyway? Somebody who can have you put to sleep and do as they will to you in your most private and embarrassing areas...well okay whatever.



snickers and doodles said...

Been there...done that

Lil'l Red said...

I was told that during my colonoscopy I had a delightful conversation with the nurse and dr about "J-Lo".....

Michelle said...

love your blog! not looking forward to this procedure in the future!! LOL!

Janie said...

Gotta make my own appt soon, thanks for the reminder.

Love your blog...linked y'all on mine!

hungarianwomen45 said...
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Elaine said...

They truly are the best drugs in the world. I don't think anyone believes me when I say that or maybe their looks are saying something else to this survivor of the sixties.

I had pictures taken of my gut because it was so beautiful and pink. I actually asked a second too late but the doc was happy to reinsert the camera and take the pictures for me. What a guy!