Thursday, September 13, 2007

Self Help

How midlife self help differs:

We need it, we crave it and we're looking for God in a pin-striped suit with a microphone ear piece stalking the stage to tell us all the answers, aren't we? Be honest. Jesus in Ferragamos, Buddha with a flow chart of answers.

Well, I just wish God didn't put those seminars on in a cheap guest suites hotel in a small room where the ceilings are too low. I would believe him more if it had taken place at a Four Seasons in the ball room or even in the living room of someone's mansion in front of a roaring fireplace for background effect.

The one we went to see was enormously helpful for about 30 minutes of the two hours, and because we wanted all the answers, we sat for most of his presentation until..........he got the bottle of snake oil out. He glanced quickly at his watch to make sure that he had enough time at the end to make the sales pitch, and that's when he lost us. We kept trying to get past the fact that his smile was forced, that his schpiel was rehearsed and that we were much more enlightened than the rest of the seekers in the audience. When he got out the white board to write down the savings that we would all enjoy by signing up for his two-day seminar coming up and how little it would cost just to add the home study CDs, we lost it. His voice kept rising while asking for vocal support from the seekers, trying to whip us all into a frenzy over the opportunity to give him only $2,356 instead of the regular weekend price of $5000! Wrong. SalGal and I looked at each other and said quietly, "Martinis at the bar?"

I know that these people have to make money, but couldn't they do it more elegantly? Couldn't they just softly say at the end, "If you want more, come to my two-day seminar if you can and I'll help you, thanks for coming."

I'm still listening to self help CDs and reading all the answers and believing that I can change, and who knows? If you send us $1000, I can guarantee you that our lives would change. We'll put on a two-day seminar and you can bet that martinis would be on the bill, with spa treatments, meditation in the form of walks on a groovy beach and fantastic food to fill our bellys. Of course, that would all be extra!



Well, all I can say is thank God there was a bar in that hotel. That guy was shameless. And he is one of the masters of The Secret! Luckily, we are studying all of the masters of the Secret and practicing the core of what they all teach. They certainly all sell masses of CDs and send us all kinds of free pamphlets and good books and stuff. But I was disappointed in the final carnival style hawking this guy reverted to in the end.

In spite of all of the aforementioned complaints, we had a really fun, girl ROAD TRIP!! We high-fived each other and took off in The Bullet for another adventure. For a two and a half hour drive we loaded up KK's HollyGoLightlly blue suitcase with the white piping, my duffle bag, the hanging clothes (a girl's gotta have options), a six pack of bud, a bag of Fritos and a doobie. We listened to Lyle Lovitt sing about how lucky he is, George Strait sing about how broken hearted he is and Bonnie Rait sing about strong women.

Here's the secret; Have control over how you see the world, choose that the world will do you good, love that you love the one you're with and use the bountiful drugs of the earth to keep you mellow.


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