Wednesday, September 19, 2007


How midlife beauty differs:

Sal Gal and I have decided to be 35 and 37. She's 37, and I'm 35. It just sounds better and feels better too. Until, of course, we have to put our mascara on in one of those magnifying mirrors that makes you look like your face is one BIG eye. My eyelids have creeped down to produce their own double chins, so I have to really open my eyes wide and lift my eyebrows in order to put eye shadow on. And, speaking of eyebrows, mine are going bald so I have to use a pencil to 'fill in.' I'm thinking of tattooing eyebrows on so I can eliminate one more step in my beauty regimen, but then I'd have to glue individual hairs on top of that so I wouldn't look like Marlene Dietrich!

Any TV commercial promising that their product will do three things in one for you, like eliminate crow's feet, plump the undereye area and lighten it is just LYING. It's like they think we are complete idiots who believe that crap. I know they are lying because I've bought every product that makes these promises. Granted, they got me to purchase it, but only once! My eyes have 'character.' They look back at me in the mirror and say, "KK, you've earned every one of these crow's feet. Considering how you've abused our skin and forgotten to moisterize at the end of the day, we look pretty dern good.

SalGal puts baby oil on her face every OIL! If I did that, my face would be just one big zit at all times. And, that lipstick that promises to stay on all day long...pish posh! That's bullshit unless you apply the clear plastic coating on top of it every 30 minutes...and what man would want to kiss that plastic coating, I mean, really?!

I used to like facials too, but now I look forward to them like I look forward to a mammogram. They scrape, tweeze and squeeze those blackheads, white heads and red heads until my face is cratered like the moon. And, because they want you to come back, they then fill the craters with HEAVY cream so that you'll have to come back. At the end of a facial, they give me a neck massage with the same heavy cream, making every hair on the back of my head stick straight out in the back. Because they wrap the top of my forehead to keep the cream off my bangs, they end up plastered to the top of my head so that I look very much like Bozo the Clown with bed head. Don't ever plan an evening out after a facial the same day. And, here's the worst...because a facialist has a bird's eye, close-up view of my nostrils, I try to give my nose a good blow before I go in. At one facial appointment I recently had, the gal said to me, " have a 'bat at the cave entrance'...let's just PLUCK that right out." The pain was worse than a bikini wax, forcing an involuntary, giant SNEEZE right in her face. I'm too embarrassed to ever go back to HER again.

So much for being 35...


I wish I had your problem with the whole eyebrow thing. My problem is just the opposite. If I don't keep them plucked and shaped 3 times a week they will grow together over my nose and form a widow's peak that points down to my mouth. I would look like Bella Lagosi in drag.
I take my eye makeup off every night with baby oil and then rub what's left all over my face because I heard 30 years ago that Cleopatra and the Egyptian women had beautiful skin because they put oil all over themselves every day. They used olive oil though and I didn't want to treat my face like an Italian entree. Seeing as how people always think KK and I are twins and constantly ask us who is the older sister, my baby oil regimin seems to be workin just fine. Oh, this really irks KK to the point where now whenever we introduce ourselves to people she immediately says, 'She's older!' Thanks a lot, KK. One of these days I'm going to bitchslap her in front of everybody. She says, 'Put yourself in my shoes about this why don't you!' Well I have and every time I do my feet hurt.
Here's the thing; I should be the one who is jealous because KK is the prettiest woman you've ever seen. When we go out together people always think she's Jamie Lee Curtis (the Mother in Freaky Friday). They really do and they approach her. I, on the other hand, am a handsome woman and sometimes mistaken for Lyle Lovitt. Oh, well, what can you do.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and if you're walking at night downtown so is your wallet.
So...look pretty but keep those Revlon Robin's Egg Blue shadowed eyes open and have a nice day1

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