Sunday, June 15, 2008

Someone is ALWAYS Watching

Lest you think that you can safely pick your nose in the semi-privacy of your own car at a stop light, you are mistaken! Even if you are the only car at that stoplight and it's 6:30 in the morning, there is someone in an office building who is sitting in front of their laptop at their desk with a mental block as they near their deadline...they're staring blindly out the 2nd story window into your car below. I'm just sayin.

The reason I started thinking about this is because yesterday, as I was passing the bathroom door, I spied SalGal looking at herself in the mirror. I stopped, about to say something to her when I realized that she was making faces to herself in the mirror. I froze...partly out of intense delight to be a fly on the wall without her knowledge and partly in fear of embarrassing her. My fly-on-the-wall delight won out over my respect for her so I just watched. She had an audition that afternoon so she was making faces of who she thought her character might be...FASCINATING, and so funny! At the end of her session in front of the mirror, she smiled a wide, tooth-filled smile to herself and then turned to discover me standing there. We laughed and laughed and laughed with her face the color of a tomato! What a life moment. Ahhhhh.

Whenever we trip over something, someone is always watching which is why we always look down and back at the ENORMOUS pebble that caused our clumsiness. When I have to pull down my granny panties after they've ridden up into no-man's land under my too-tight jeans, someone is always watching. I am of an age now where the need for pulling them out of there is more important than any silly embarrassment.

My Mister Two used to take his index finger and thumb and rub behind his right ear lobe...then put those fingers under his nose and rub them together to re-create the ear odor. It was something that he just had to do and, because he's a man, he didn't give a rat's ass if anyone saw him do it. I never said to him, "WHAT are you doing? That is completely gross. STOP it!" Even at a fancy dinner party when people would see him do it, I said nothing. I just had to put my head down and pretend that I was married to someone else that night.

When I used to wear panty hose the crotch area would lose its stretch and wind up half-way down my thighs so I performed a dance-like ritual where I would lift a leg straight out and up high in order to bring that area back into place. If I were more coordinated, it might have been mistaken for an Alvin Ailey jazz dance step, but I would up looking like a crane stretching her spindly leg prior to an awkward attempt at lift off. And, besides...who does an Alvin Ailey jazz dance high kick in the hallway of an office anyway?

You're thinking about what you do that people might be observing, aren't you? Someone is ALWAYS careful!


There are lots of things I like to do when nobody is looking:

Say my affirmations
Eat pork rinds
Watch 'The Ace of Cakes'
Play online Blackjack
Sing 'Tonight' out loud (West Side Story)
Take the stems out of mushrooms before I buy them -
Same thing with broccoli oh come on I'm not paying for broccoli stems
Load my purse with toothpicks from restaurant exits
Take paper hand-towels from The Four Seasons Ladies Room
Jaywalk on South Congress
Go outside on the front lawn and look at the stars
Kiss my cat Buddy on his nose
Give the homeless guy at 'Loop 1' a dollar
Tell myself I'm okay
Thank the universe for my sweet KK
Throw rocks at grackles on the birdbath
Shoot the finger at the guy who lets his dog shit on our lawn
Drink milk from the carton in the fridge
Play-like I'm Katherine Hepburn

I don't care if anyone sees me do this stuff as long as they don't tell,


Alice said...

I loved the pantyhose visual. I once had the elastic on a pair of underwear go out on me at the gym and I could just feel them slipping as I walked to the bathroom. I'm not gonna be so cheap anymore.

My man in the moon said...

How it is so true. Your post made me laugh really hard when I starting think about some of the things I do when I think no one is watching. Thanks for giving me a laugh when I really needed one.

Anonymous said...

True that! lol :)