Friday, June 6, 2008


I'm reading a wonderfully funny, bawdy book called, "My Horizontal Life" by Chelsea Handler...good light summer read about her one night stands, and because she knew they would only last one night, she would "embellish" her life history to match whatever the man might be looking for...for example:

"The next morning he rolled over and asked, "So, does your dad actually own American Airlines?" I turned over so that I wasn't facing him and cringed. "Yeah, why? Do you want to go somewhere?"

I still laugh out loud when I think of this...the ultimate example of embellishment. That got me thinking, of course.

An official definition of the word, embellish is:
  1. To make beautiful, as by ornamentation; decorate.
  2. To add ornamental or fictitious details to: a fanciful account that embellishes the true story.
I like both definitions... like lying while wearing too much jewelry. That appeals to me, but here's the a lier, I SUCK! That's a problem, I know. You may not think so, but sometimes one should lie if the only other choice is to hurt someone's feelings, right? I don't even do that well.

When your boss catches something you did or didn't do, you MUST lie under those circumstances in order to maintain the semblance of your perfect record to that point...or your JOB. I did this a time or two with my last employer, and as I lied to his face, I could see on his face that he soooo knew I was lying, but was willing to go along with it in order to play the 'human' game that we all play every day. What a gem he was! He knew I was 'embellishing' because of the red in my cheeks and the laser-eyed look I gave him which was out of the norm. We would dance the dance and he would always let me save face, so that worked out great.

If you say that you've never 'embellished' your resume, I'll be forced to call you a damn liar. It's amazing how much responsibility you can add to the role of receptionist. By the time you're ready to send out that resume, your receptionist duties far exceed anything that the CEO might have on his resume...and your "work from home" job description is a doozy when all you were really doing was chasing little Tommy with the snotty nose. As a former 'medical transcriptionist' who worked from home, I might as well have been a real doctor for all the embellished 'duties' that wound up on my resume...all the while in my pajamas typing boring medical histories between Ellen DeGeneres' guests.

I say...what would life be without embellishments of all kinds...go ahead, wear too much jewelry while lying your ass off. You're not ALONE!



I like to embellish everything in my life. I want my food garnished, my ears jeweled and my realilty upgraded. Reality is so boring at times, isn't it? I like to give it a little drama and spice up my stories with some more interesting events. If I see Mathew McGoneghy at a party then my story at the next one is that he and I sat in a hot tub and talked for four hours about how to make the perfect Margarita. What the hell, he'll never know.

KK tells stories with a flourish. Bold, sweeping movements are involved and at the end of the story the applause and laughter are so grand that she is want to bow to her knees with both arms out like swans in flight. Queen Elizabeth would be impressed. See how I embellished this last paragraph? It's fun, try it.

So lets go out there into the real world today and do our best to embellish it for ourselves and everybody we see. Go ahead and sing out loud at the dry-cleaners, wear a bracelet that drips with Cubic Zerconias with your flip-flops and jeans and make a really glittery sign for the homeless guy down by the freeway.

Excuse me while I go throw rose petals on The Ancient One,


Bear Naked said...

Sounds like that is a good book to read for the summer.
Thanks for recommending it.

P.S. Original said...

I wholeheartedly is sooo much more interesting if you goose it just a bit! I remember filling out my first resume and listing my Grandmothers children's shop as a place I had retail experience in.....of course I was only six at the time ....but that just seemed like a boring detail.
Really enjoy your blog!

Bill Evertson said...

But on the other hand couldn't you have a ball with someone who once took off the top of a gas station with a moving van he was in charge of. I'm at a loss on how to embellish my time with 'Nice jewish Boy Movers' in NYC. No you can't make this up. Plus, I had to leave town after partially collapsing an historic structure. Well leave a twenty year old on his own with a chain saw, minimum wage and vague instructions - what so you expect. No wonder I'm a self employed artist.