Monday, June 30, 2008



Listen, we grew up in west Texas, ok?, so don't come at us if you intend to shake hands...with a bent hand that only grabs the ends of our fingers instead of the whole hand. You people who do that need to know that most of us, and I'll go so far as to say, ALL of us (because it's cyberspace and I can say whatever the hell I want to, right?)...want to SHAKE YOUR HAND...not your fingers! But, if you should come at us that prissy way, then just take our fingers up to your mouth and KISS OUR.....hand. At least it would be more dramatic. OK? Whew, now I feel all better because I've been fuming since we went to a dinner party last week and a grown man tried to shake hands with us that way. Why, we reemed him a new a-hole all the way home in the car with our denouncement of this style.

We may have long, skinny, bony hands, but we can shake your hand until you want to stop! It's just the way we learned growing up. Daddy used to close a deal with a handshake and I can still see my little bitty self with my head bent all the way back, staring up in awe at him with his big Daddy hands handing one to another Texan and then the both of them just shakin it out.

Here's another problem I have with greetings...the mouth kiss with juice on it. I don't kiss The Ancient One at all anymore because she always has 'mother juice' on her lips and it gets all over mine and makes me shake my head with queasiness as I wipe it off. Please close your mouths unless you're lovers or are trying to lick the lipstick off your woman's front tooth! Sal and I use the Eskimo nose kiss at the end of every day, and I kiss a few of my gal pals on the lips, but those puppies are closed tight and dry.

Please don't misunderstand me. Kissing is one of my most favorite things on earth, and frankly, for a woman with lips as thin as mine, I'm noted for being a damn good kisser, so you mens out there needn't fear me. I like to kiss men on the mouth when seeing one whom I know out and about. It always catches them off guard, and of course, I live to catch people 'off guard.'

My gal pals and I like to do the charicaturized 'air kiss' with each other like they do in real life in LA. I mean, do they really do that without slapping a thigh in laughter? How can anyone who does that be serious? It's fun, but come on.

I learned to look someone in the eyes when shaking their hand...hehehe...another gesture that catches them 'off guard.' I do, however, respect a person's air space around their body unless they let me know with their body language to come own in...then I do unless their breath is bad!




Greetings, fellow three-dimensional expressions of awareness! Om Shanty, aloha, howdy, dude-sup?, and how's yer momma and them?

I have never been hugged hello so much in my life as I have been since moving to Austin. The guys here hold out their arms for a robust, hearty, chest-slammin' 'howyadoin'! And that's at first introductions. I was thinking, 'I don't even know this guy and now there's an imprint of the Polo logo from his shirt embedded in my cheek.'

You gotta learn to do this when you live in Texas or else people will think you are stand-offish or that you think they stink. Texans are a very affectionate tribe. They do their Ancient Ones' hair, take their tots on daily walks and let strangers touch them, and put their hand underneath your chin when they want to make a point. That sentence always starts with, "Listen, darlin'..." And that's if they have ever met you before or not.

Texans love to great their dogs and cats warmly too. Texas men love cats unabashedly and I have never seen this before in any other state. KK kissed my cat Buddy the other day just after she put on her make-up and he got perfect little 'Dragon's Blood Red' lips and went walking around the house all day feeling like transvestite kitty.

So if you are going to come to Texas, get your arms in shape for grabbing people's shoulder blades from the front, make sure your teeth are clean for way-too-big smiles, and learn how to do the leave-taking requisite, 'I'll holler atcha!'

Areevadarechee, sayonara, namaste, chow, aloha again, hasta manana, voules vou cooshay avec moi and so forth and have a good day!


Janice( MisfitUK) said...

My cousin married a Texan, he worked on oilrigs, built like a brick shit house,he was good at shaking hands.Ouch!

Midlife Slices said...

We Southerners are friendly folk, don'tcha know? Hug, kiss, shake hands (real handshakes), and the whole ball of wax. You gals entertain my funny bone. :)

Bill Evertson said...

I don't have problems with handshakes or false intimacy, but if I haven't seen you in years, tell me your name. Can't people say, "hi I'm Cindy, we met briefly at whatever." This is usually preceded by Hi John. So not only do I either become John for awhile, but I have to skirt the issue of not having a clue as to this persons name. i suppose I should respond in the same vein and just call men John and women jane. I'll still do the air kiss and handcrush to the extent that I endure it.

scotte said...

30 years ago , a nice older woman with whom I did business with, told me. If a woman extends her hand palm down, a light touch is required. If she extends her hand normally yet with fingers curled, a light touch is required. She explained that joint pain , athritic pain, and small bones made it more polite to go light.
Now I'm old oilfield, and a hearty handshake is part of life. I have big hands and have felt bad for years about hurting some unsuspecting person. Male & Female!!
So girls if we ever meet, and I hope we do someday, You can just dress me down and I will reshake your hand. But I still won't shake it like it was your Daddy's hand. Love your stuff, Keep it up!

Midlife Gals said...

gaining some lb's has left a new comment on our post "Greetings!"but for some reason it didn't pull it in so I'm copying from her email because she is sufficiently twisted and has a need to be heard...don't we all?:

"I don't like people invading my space...unless of course I have had sex with them or....they are family. So dont kiss me unless you know me. tongue is hanging out LOL.

I am not a big hand shaker. I am afraid of germs. I dont want Hermans pee on my hands after he jiggles of his johnson and forgets to wash.

ok, i have issues"

Stepping Thru said...

Reminds me of my Daddy's hand shakes. He even taught his daughters to shake hands with "authority" so that no one ever takes you for a weak woman. Here's to hearty hand shakes!