Friday, December 14, 2007

On Domesticity

I like to sweep. I know it sounds strange, but I just like to sweep. I get immediate, visual feedback, I like the exercise I get and it just makes the area seem more organized somehow.

That's about as domestic as I get, however. I should just live in a hotel. I could have room service whenever I want it, valet service for my laundry, daily maid service, personal hygiene products delivered to me every single day, and I could run up and down the halls like Eloise knocking on doors and stealing newspapers.

SalGal is the chef in our house, and thank Gawd because I would look like Courtney on Survivor if she didn't feed me. I repay her favor with my own...clean up crew. I mean, I AM my own clean up crew...and I'm damn good at it. That's a fair trade. Truth be told, I would rather eat every meal at a fancy restaurant, but I'd be able to wear my sweats and no one could turn me away or say ugly things about my wardrobe, wouldn't you?

I do have some domestic talents. I can sew on a button that won't come off again for 50 years and I can hem a garment if you don't mind seeing the thread line at the bottom. I know how to say thank you when our little Guatamalan friend, Marta cleans our house. I know how to hang paintings without measuring. I can light a gas-powered fireplace and I can make a bed that you can bounce a quarter off of. So, as you can see, I'm not completely domestically challenged.

I think that chores relate to things that are going on in one's life. When I sweep, I have time to think, and yesterday, I decided that I sweep when I'm afraid. It's an exercise in sweeping the fear away...and it works! When I clean up, I'm clearing away the confusing mental fog that I might be in on any given day. I can 'sew things up' when I'm ready to put closure on something, and I can time travel when I hang paintings...just walk right into one and never come back.

So, think about the next domestic chore that you's both physical and metaphysical...and cheaper than therapy!



I think I'm more domestic than KK. I like to cook and clean and garden and bring flowers in from the yard and put them in vases around the house and set pretty tables. I like to do my laundry because for too many years I had to go to the laundrymat and that is a drag. I am very grateful that I can open a door and there is a washer and dryer.

I hate to iron. KK loves to do it and she does it really quickly. It takes me 30 minutes to iron a shirt and if she had to she could do it in 3 minutes. In return for her ironing my stuff I clean out the litter box every day, bring lunches to KK at her desk and anoint her feet with oil.

My idea of dream domesticity would be to be knowledgeable enough to tell a staff of people what to do to perfectly maintain a huge house. First I need to get a huge house. First I need to get the money to get a huge house.

Cooking is like meditating. My mantra is 'butter...butter...butter'. I think about sex sometimes when I'm cooking because it's the second best thing in the world below food. No, wait, third. I would also rather drink bourbon than have sex so make it third. Ummm....make sex fourth because I would rather go to a movie than have sex. But anyway, when I see bananas, cucumbers, yellow squash or zuccinis I am reminded of different men I have known (in the Biblical sense). On the other hand, jello reminds me of women and so does kiwi fruit and green bean casseroles. I don't know why that is with the casserole but don't you think figs look like testicles? Come on now...

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