Thursday, December 27, 2007

New Year's Resolutions

1. To relax and take a deep breath when I see piles of papers or area rugs or paintings that are not following the RIGHT ANGLES which should physically define their spaces. 'Leave them alone, KK. Just walk away.'

2. Try to turn off The Oprah Show while I'm doing my yoga. Burn some incense and listen to calming, cosmic music. Crap...I'll never do this. It's on my list every year, but Oprah is calling to me while I do my yoga like a siren. I know I'm missing something. fuckit!

3. Have more patience with people...all people...even the children behind the concession stand at the movies who NEVER scoop the popcorn from the top when I ask them to. Try not to cock my head and cross my eyes at them when they look at me like I'm a lunatic after asking them to topscoop.

4. No more lecturing the waiter when they're a nanosecond late with my food or wine. They don't give a shit that I was a waitress many years ago and can impart much needed and valuable techniques for them to increase their tips.

5. Try to appear more interested in what others are saying to me instead of thinking of what I will say when it's my turn. Even if I have to raise my arm, shake my hand and hold that arm up with the other one like a second grader who has the answer to the teacher's question. Just be patient and wait until you're called upon, KK.

6. Ride a horse again. Take a horse vacation through the Cowgirl Hall of Fame Museum so I can remember what being horseback feels like. And, play with the cowboys too, but don't bring one home.

7. Remember to practice tomfoolery every single day. Keep myself off balance, freak someone out, force someone to smile, cause a rukus.

8. Aren't seven resolutions enough?



I don't like doing New Year's Resolutions. They suck. It's just everybody trying to make themselves do stuff that they don't want to do. I mean, think about it. New Year's Day is the day when everybody eats black eyed peas, watches the football games all day and announces the wonderful things they vow to do for the rest of the year. And they tell EVERYBODY! Excuse me but I don't give a shit about the new good habit you plan to implement this year because I know you will not do it anyway. You will forget what it was before the glue on the post-it note you wrote it on dries out and it falls off the refrigerator.

You will vow not to cuss and that you will put a quarter in a jar every time you do. By the end of the year you will have enough quarters for a trip to Hawaii.

You will vow not to drink too much and by the end of the year everybody in the office will have Polaroids of you passed out on the copy machine, lobby couch or reception desk.

You will vow to be nice to all service people and by the end of the year 3 waiters will have spit in your food, 2 filling station attendants will have let ten pounds of air out of your tires and the fat lady behind the 'Overnight Cleaners' counter will have accidentallyonpurpose lost the suit you planned to wear to the biggest meeting of your life.

So give it up everybody and fuhgitaboutit! Vow that you will never vow to do anything again. We're all doing the best we can all the time anyway, aren't we?

1 comment:

ettarose said...

I so enjoy reading you Gals. I enjoy your humor. I tried at first to be humorous and then wasn't and then was, wasn't and now I don't give a crap. I will write what I know best, and that is to be as mean as I can to the people who work for. Just kidding. I am going to stick with you and your site for you see I too am middle aged HAhahahahahahaha.