How's it hangin'? I know you're mighty busy, so I'll be brief. I've been damn good this past year, sir. I'm helping take care of my ancient mother too. I even live with her in her house because SalGal and I couldn't pry her OUT of her house with a crane and a small army. I want major points for this because care-giving for the ancient ones ain't for pansies.
Anyway, I digress. Here's what I want for Christmas:
1. An entire new wardrobe, preferably a mix of goodies from Michael Kors, Donna Karan, Ralph Lauren and Eileen Fisher.
2. A one-story sprawling mansion in a beautiful neighborhood with a swimming pool in the back surrounded by a magnificent garden.
3. A staff of helpers for the mansion and a garage apartment where our 'chief of staff' could live in luxury.
4. Peace on earth.
5. A six-figure advance, agreements for foreign rights and movie rights on the upcoming publication of my first novel, A Texan Goes to Nirvana, with the best publisher in the business.
6. A sitcom contract for The Midlife Gals as this decade's new "Golden Girls" on mushrooms.
7. The end to world poverty.
8. A total makeover of hair, makeup and tummy tuck.
9. The most handsome, funny, generous, loving, successful, rich, tall, creative man on the planet.
10. To appear with SalGal on the Oprah Winfrey Show by this time next year.
Now, I know this list might sound selfish to you, Santa, but I'm being honest, and if everyone else were being honest, their lists might look very similar. Let's face it...it's like someone showing you a group photograph...WHO do you look at first in the photo...du'uh...yourself, of course. And, you take your sweet time sizing up yourself without once looking at your beloved Mrs. Clause, any of the elves, or Rudolph, who also happen to be in the photograph.
I'm 55 years old and fixin' to turn 56 in the spring. I've voted, recycled, quit smoking, volunteered, been kind to the less fortunate, been a good citizen...and now, it's MY turn, don't you think?
I mean, I am humbled by the presence of God during this wonderful season, and I wish for everyone a marvelous holiday with their loved ones, peace on earth and good will toward their fellow men. How's that?
I want all the things that KK wants only as a person, I suck. I don't really deserve anything but I want it all anyway. I feel entitled because I am a human and I think we all deserve abundance. I quit smoking too and I give generously to The North Shore Animal League but I also get testy when the waiter isn't fast enough. That's a bad trait...impatience. And I should be grateful that I can even go to a place that has waiters but I'm spoiled. My granddaddy, Edward Kelly always liked little girls and said they would not be interesting women if they were not a little spoiled. I always took that to heart and did my best to assume the attitude.
I'm a bad girl. I drink, cuss and shoot the finger at driver's who cut me off. I am not altruistic and I want vengeance on neighbors who let their dogs poop on our lawn.
But I digress and here is what I want in addition to everything KK said:
$65,000.00 dollars to make my documentary.
A job as an actor in a national commercial.
The job as an actor in that movie I auditioned for last month.
Money to get all my moles removed; even the ones on my back that nobody can see.
The writer's strike to be over and they get what they want.
Purple suede shoes with tassels.
To make the world laugh.
Ho Ho Ho!