Friday, April 18, 2008


Could you read that? Is the print large enough? Is it a clear message? Do you know what the side effects might be? Calories?


I'm hearing all the Amens out there right now. Forget about reading a label on a medicine bottle without your glasses on, and even when you do put your glasses on, some assholes have print that is so small as to require a magnifying glass! And, where medicine is concerned, it's not like you can SKIP that portion of the directions. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore.

Here's what I want to see on boxes of cigarettes..."These fuckers will kill you, but if they don't, something else will." (Can you tell we're still enjoying our Winstons)? And, on bottles of booze, it should say, "This product may force you to embarrass yourself and give you a headache within 12 hours." Nah...that wouldn't stop me.

And, don't we label people too? "She's a skunk-ass ho, isn't she?" Proclaiming this would signify to the person with whom you're conversing that you have a woman in your life with whom you might have 'issues.' Depending on their response, you either receive support, "And, how'bout her wardrobe...helllllllllo?" or not, "Bless her heart...she doesn't have a clue that you'd cut her guts out for a nickel." It's just dangerous either way, I think.

Do any of you have those little plastic guns where you move the wheel with letters on it, then press and've made your OWN labels! It's thrilling, isn't it? You can't imagine what I have labels on. Because I'm a left-brain OCD freak, The Ancient One is lucky that she doesn't sport one of those labels on her forehead. Since she couldn't see it but Sal and I could when looking at her face, it would simply say, "PAY NO ATTENTION TO ME."




Having had a weight problem all of my life and been on every diet known to womankind, I am very familiar with labels on food items. I know how to calculate fat grams, carbohydrates, fiber, calories, sugar, sodium and mealy bug content. I can remember my grandmother making bisquits on sunday mornings and mushing the flour through a sieve to get the bugs out so all right they don't put mealy bug content on the labels but back then they should have.

My label would list fat grams as 20% and drooping, carbs minimal and confined to Pepperidge Farm white sandwich bread with an egg on top every morning. Fiber content is barely perceptible in the form of flax seed, calories and sugar are contained in red wine throughout the body, salt cakes my blood stream and mealy bug content is now, thankfully nil.

My label would say, 'Take in small quantities as prolonged use will cause sarcasm, a skewed view of the world and tendencies toward playing cruel jokes on cats and neighborhood kids. Side effects include: Foot in mouth disease, laughter at inappropriate public moments such as at wakes, and a desire to sing show tunes at gallery openings. Take in small doses and do not sleep till after midnight. If the substance has been abused, make and force feed coffee in the morning, take 7 Ibuprofen and take my number out of your cell phone memory.

Do not take before consulting your local bartender,


Hi! I am Sonia said...

Hey there KK and Sal Gal
you two are great! I get so danged mad when I'm in the store, shopping about and trying to read all that small gibberish on each and every freaking product I pick up......good grief!!! The worst of it is, after finally focusing in on the words, who the heck knows what it means anyway. They should say...CAUTION! This small freakin print could cause blindness

Treasia said...

OMG I laughed when reading this till tears rolled down my face. I couldn't agree more about the font size. Heck there are some blogs I have deleted cause I ended up with a headache just trying to read the damn things.

In some small ways we can think about our lack of eyesight as a blessing. As the hairs on our chins come out at least we cant' see them as much as before.

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Mage And George said...

Yes, how about grey lables, tiny whote type on black lables, lables to be read as braile,or any lable less than 18 point type....she says being legally blind.....or is that bling.

Mealy bugs......mother used to just pick them out of the morning cereal........oh my gawd.....I couldn't stand it. Sorry I don't drink or smoke any more....but I can tell you it already killed me. Now all I can do is struggle with lables.

I link to you, enthusiastically, and stir things up a bit today.

Mage And George said...

How about spelling. Lables as labels........just so much clearer that way.

Mental P Mama said...

Arrrgh. Just went to 2.25 glasses this week. I wish they made them for the shower...or at least made shampoo and conditioner bottles different...


I spent a huge part of an eveining during my spring break labeling expiration dates on my "ancient one's" pill bottles with something they could read "16 Font". It was freaking amazing! I found valium, oxycodone, carters liver pills, viagra, you name it it was there, but all expired. I thought about poppin a few, but didn't know what would relax or what would stay up! I found one med from 1989!

And people wonder why I always check the date on things in the fridge....