Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Food for Thought...

Have you ever eaten a veggie burger? There is something suspect about them from the get go. I tried to trick Sal into eating one at a hippie-dippie restaurant last night. After her second bite, she exclaimed, "This hamburger tastes sweet!" I said, "oh, pish posh...mine tastes fine." I was trying to enjoy it, but it did taste like it had honey in it...maybe it was carrots or something...ick! When I finally told her that it was a veggie burger, she spit out what she had in her mouth and looked at me as if she could cut my guts out for a nickel. She said, "When I eat a hamburger, which is a RARE event, I want MEAT and grease dripping down onto the plate with each bite. I want BACON on top and a bun that does NOT have NINE GRAINS in it. Don't EVER do that to me again, KK!"

We don't like goat cheese. I don't even like the word, GOAT CHEESE. It sounds like it's made of boogers or something. And, I've been tricked before when approached with a canape tray at a party...thinking it looked scrumptious, only to find that after I got it into my mouth, there was that bitter, boogery flavor (and don't tell me that you've never tasted a booger before either). That mouthful always winds up discreetly moving from my mouth into a cocktail napkin, then buried in the soil of the nearest potted palm.

I could write a whole chapter about cilantro, and I know that there are two wildly divergent camps on this one. You either HATE cilantro or LOVE cilantro. I belong to the tribe of cilantro haters. It tastes like soap! And, now-a-days, it's in just about EVERYthing. I have learned to be able to identify those flat green pieces with the frayed edges and my upper lip immediately curls with an un-lady-like, "eeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuwwwww!" Don't try to defend cilantro to me.

I love hot dogs. There, I said it. I like to sautee them in butter so they're kinda crispy around the edges, then make a hot dog sandwich on bread with mustard and mayo. But, when I go to the movies, I like to mix that limp, steamy dog with mustard, those soft white buns and piles of pickle relish. Those who know me are aware that I have to have the family-sized box of popcorn, and I take a tiny bite of hot dog then stuff a fistful of popcorn in my mouth and I'm in 'hog' heaven! I don't CARE what's in a hot dog...I just know that those hot dog makers mix pig parts together just perrrrrfectly.

Mmmmm, I'm so hungry. I'm going to go in the kitchen now and make myself scrambled eggs with my sauteed hot dog.

Buon appetito!



KK takes Lipitor. It lowers your cholesterol.

I completely agree that goat cheese should only be eaten by bad children and veggie burgers are for elephants, young girls with rings in their noses and throwing at the grackles in the birdbath. That veggie sucked but might have tasted better with some red chili, cilantro and a shot of Cuervo.

The popcorn/hot dog scenario is right up my alley. I also love fried calamari, pork rinds and devilled eggs. I make great devilled eggs with olives, curry and onions. I hate brussel sprouts, tripe and who in the world was the first one to eat pigs' feet? That must have been one hungry mother fucker.

Very often I look at something and think, 'I wonder who in the world was the first one to figure out that you could eat this?' sometimes I'm glad but sometimes I can't believe people fall for it. Would you really eat a duck embryo that is about to hatch...feathers and all and call it a delicacy? And yet they do that in Indonosia or some place like that. I saw it on the food channel. Who first ate caviar, an artichoke or calf brains? These were desperate people who were either stuck out on the ocean with only a dead mother sturgeon, some guy on an island with only what looked like a thistle patch or some rancher who's calf died next to him as he was pinned under a rock and couldn't get out and was starving to death.

Anyway, KK couldn't fool me with that stupid veggie burger because my paper napkin wasn't getting torn and greasy enough. That's how you can tell how good a hamburger is. If the napkin is shredded into lace, there's grease sliding down your chin and your mouth is so full you look like Louis Armstrong blowing his horn you know you're in a great hamburger joint.

Kiwis are hairy and bon appetite,


Mental P Mama said...

I'm with you on every single thing. Except the goat cheese. You really should give it a try. I could eat it at every meal. Oh, and you forgot anchovies. Barf!

Hi! I am Sonia said...

MMM!!!MMM!!! I LOVE those movie hot dogs! I tell ya, one of my favorite things is frizzeled bologna. I know, some people hurl at the thought of bologna and it's ingrediants, but hey, I'm like you, they SURE know how to throw all those left over parts together.....YUMMY!

Ruth said...

So glad to hear you all hate goat cheese, too. I'd lived in fear that my distaste for it was keeping me from being a sophisticate. But then, can you be a sophisticate, anyway, if you're from West Texas? Probably not.
You all continue to be funny as hell and I love reading you. Hope you're doing well. -- Ruth

Bear Naked said...

Oh my--Devilled eggs. My most favourite way to eat eggs. YUMMY!

feefifoto said...

Have you come across this site, which I swear I am not making up?:

Snooty Primadona said...

It is a commonly known truth that veggie burgers are akin to paper and they totally suck. Yuck! Who cares if I'm going to die younger because I eat meat. Pish. Posh.

SalGal: I have some tragic news for you. KK is not your real sister. I am. Because you and I are so alike and you & she are so NOT ALIKE, lol.