Just for fun because Sally and I laugh until we cry
when we watch this...is it just WE who think we're
funny?
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
LABELS
Could you read that? Is the print large enough? Is it a clear message? Do you know what the side effects might be? Calories?
IF THESE PEOPLE WANT US TO READ LABELS, THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE THE FONT SIZE A BIT BIGGERRRRRR!!
I'm hearing all the Amens out there right now. Forget about reading a label on a medicine bottle without your glasses on, and even when you do put your glasses on, some assholes have print that is so small as to require a magnifying glass! And, where medicine is concerned, it's not like you can SKIP that portion of the directions. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore.
Here's what I want to see on boxes of cigarettes..."These fuckers will kill you, but if they don't, something else will." (Can you tell we're still enjoying our Winstons)? And, on bottles of booze, it should say, "This product may force you to embarrass yourself and give you a headache within 12 hours." Nah...that wouldn't stop me.
And, don't we label people too? "She's a skunk-ass ho, isn't she?" Proclaiming this would signify to the person with whom you're conversing that you have a woman in your life with whom you might have 'issues.' Depending on their response, you either receive support, "And, how'bout her wardrobe...helllllllllo?" or not, "Bless her heart...she doesn't have a clue that you'd cut her guts out for a nickel." It's just dangerous either way, I think.
Do any of you have those little plastic guns where you move the wheel with letters on it, then press and voila...you've made your OWN labels! It's thrilling, isn't it? You can't imagine what I have labels on. Because I'm a left-brain OCD freak, The Ancient One is lucky that she doesn't sport one of those labels on her forehead. Since she couldn't see it but Sal and I could when looking at her face, it would simply say, "PAY NO ATTENTION TO ME."
Hehehe,
KK
******************************************************************
Having had a weight problem all of my life and been on every diet known to womankind, I am very familiar with labels on food items. I know how to calculate fat grams, carbohydrates, fiber, calories, sugar, sodium and mealy bug content. I can remember my grandmother making bisquits on sunday mornings and mushing the flour through a sieve to get the bugs out so all right they don't put mealy bug content on the labels but back then they should have.
My label would list fat grams as 20% and drooping, carbs minimal and confined to Pepperidge Farm white sandwich bread with an egg on top every morning. Fiber content is barely perceptible in the form of flax seed, calories and sugar are contained in red wine throughout the body, salt cakes my blood stream and mealy bug content is now, thankfully nil.
My label would say, 'Take in small quantities as prolonged use will cause sarcasm, a skewed view of the world and tendencies toward playing cruel jokes on cats and neighborhood kids. Side effects include: Foot in mouth disease, laughter at inappropriate public moments such as at wakes, and a desire to sing show tunes at gallery openings. Take in small doses and do not sleep till after midnight. If the substance has been abused, make and force feed coffee in the morning, take 7 Ibuprofen and take my number out of your cell phone memory.
Do not take before consulting your local bartender,
SalGal
IF THESE PEOPLE WANT US TO READ LABELS, THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE THE FONT SIZE A BIT BIGGERRRRRR!!
I'm hearing all the Amens out there right now. Forget about reading a label on a medicine bottle without your glasses on, and even when you do put your glasses on, some assholes have print that is so small as to require a magnifying glass! And, where medicine is concerned, it's not like you can SKIP that portion of the directions. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore.
Here's what I want to see on boxes of cigarettes..."These fuckers will kill you, but if they don't, something else will." (Can you tell we're still enjoying our Winstons)? And, on bottles of booze, it should say, "This product may force you to embarrass yourself and give you a headache within 12 hours." Nah...that wouldn't stop me.
And, don't we label people too? "She's a skunk-ass ho, isn't she?" Proclaiming this would signify to the person with whom you're conversing that you have a woman in your life with whom you might have 'issues.' Depending on their response, you either receive support, "And, how'bout her wardrobe...helllllllllo?" or not, "Bless her heart...she doesn't have a clue that you'd cut her guts out for a nickel." It's just dangerous either way, I think.
Do any of you have those little plastic guns where you move the wheel with letters on it, then press and voila...you've made your OWN labels! It's thrilling, isn't it? You can't imagine what I have labels on. Because I'm a left-brain OCD freak, The Ancient One is lucky that she doesn't sport one of those labels on her forehead. Since she couldn't see it but Sal and I could when looking at her face, it would simply say, "PAY NO ATTENTION TO ME."
Hehehe,
KK
******************************************************************
Having had a weight problem all of my life and been on every diet known to womankind, I am very familiar with labels on food items. I know how to calculate fat grams, carbohydrates, fiber, calories, sugar, sodium and mealy bug content. I can remember my grandmother making bisquits on sunday mornings and mushing the flour through a sieve to get the bugs out so all right they don't put mealy bug content on the labels but back then they should have.
My label would list fat grams as 20% and drooping, carbs minimal and confined to Pepperidge Farm white sandwich bread with an egg on top every morning. Fiber content is barely perceptible in the form of flax seed, calories and sugar are contained in red wine throughout the body, salt cakes my blood stream and mealy bug content is now, thankfully nil.
My label would say, 'Take in small quantities as prolonged use will cause sarcasm, a skewed view of the world and tendencies toward playing cruel jokes on cats and neighborhood kids. Side effects include: Foot in mouth disease, laughter at inappropriate public moments such as at wakes, and a desire to sing show tunes at gallery openings. Take in small doses and do not sleep till after midnight. If the substance has been abused, make and force feed coffee in the morning, take 7 Ibuprofen and take my number out of your cell phone memory.
Do not take before consulting your local bartender,
SalGal
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
YOUR Comments
Because we LOVE your comments and don't necessarily have time to respond, we want to show the world what you all have to say because we laugh out loud when we see them on the blog:
Sooooooooo, we've got a zillion of these hysterical comments..and we'll do a part 2,3, etc...every now and again. Keep 'em comin!
WE LOVE YOU ALL!!
KK and SalGal
- You two have got me hooked...Look if a gay male in his 30’s love’s this blog.... Women are going to be eating it up.
- You guys are toooo much. You need to take that act on the road. My friend Melanie and I cracked up. I showed the videos to Jan last night and I thought she was going to pee her pants. Keep 'em coming!
- I finally got the sound fixed on my computer and nearly laughed myself out of the chair watching The Twelve Days of Christmas. And, who needed sound for the Marie Antoinette bit. The bow tie lips and who knew you could actually move your mouth like that?! You are both so wonderfully nuts.
- I laughed so hard I snorted my mug of hot chocolate out my nose when I was watching your Netflix reviews. Thanks to you two I now smell chocolate constantly which does not help with my dieting.
- I too have "An Ancient One"....thank God I don't have to live with her but reading your blogs is like you live in one of my closets somewhere.
- My brother was the prince. He didn't do squat when my mother was dying either! Too, too funny this daughter/caregiver time of life. And thank goodness you have each other!
- I looked at your Jazzy Scooter Barrel Race and laughed my head off. I yelled at my son to come in and look at it..he is paralyzed and uses a scooter..he thought something was wrong and in his haste to get in here, he dropped his laptop and broke off the corner. Of course this was MY fault and he yelled at me to tell me so. Not to worry tho, crazy glue to the rescue and all is well.
- Your story about the poor rich guy with his Joan-Rivers girlfriend made me laugh so hard that I spilled tea allover my keyboard!
- I think as a Southerner we are raised to be polite but we love to disobey, Hell! we've been stirring the pot since the civil war and it's 2008. Don't get me wrong I am a "good southern lady" but I do like to raise some hell. So you can call it "civil disobedience" or just that we all get tired of the bullshit rules and we just don't want to play by the stupid rules anymore. Me, I just like a good drink and say FU*K IT.
- You are us. Ex-Texan sisters now in NC taking care of 71 yr old mother, referred to as "The Mother Unit" and a missing in action brother when work needs getting done, formally known as "The Chosen One". For us, it's Margaritas and Xanax.
- You truly had me at "We want to scream out the window, 'Fuck you Bill Cinton and all you other cheatin' assholes!' " That and the cat named Damnit, or is it Dammit?
- I just want to say I love the photo of the "Ancient One". She must be a character too if she let you do that to her hair. I say let her write a response once in a while to defend herself.
- I began reading blogs because I'd like to improve my English.I found your blog a few days ago.I just love it!It's interesting and so funny!
- Don't know why but I am laughing hysterically about the hungarian woman on your blog who's using midlifegals to learn english. please please please tuck that away for soemthing funny sometime. I can see the scene in the sitcom now. you & salgal taking a hungarian woman around and teaching her to speak texan.
- I was forced into Catholicism by my stepfather (sounds like a great novel, right?) and do remember the ashes on my forehead. Jeez. It gives me the creeps thinking about it right now. As for giving things up for Lent...the shower thingy is promising (wink) and the toenail thing is beyond gross. There's no way I'll forsake my wine...so...how about liver? Hmmmm?
- My ancient one lives out of state and you never know who you're going to get when you talk with her. You see she is enjoying every minute of her dementia, the rest of us are suffering with it! I talked with her yesterday and she told me that Daddy had fixed her chicken lizzards for supper. I know my dad, and he wouldn't have anything to do with a chicken lizzard, much less a gizzard. That elicited an "oh really?" from me. Bless her heart, she doesn't really know who she's talking to, my name has changed to "the oldest one", my sister has become "that whore", but you know the baby Jesus, (our baby brother); she always remembers his name. Go figure, she's had 50 years of practice using my name, and it's the first one she forgot!
Sooooooooo, we've got a zillion of these hysterical comments..and we'll do a part 2,3, etc...every now and again. Keep 'em comin!
WE LOVE YOU ALL!!
KK and SalGal
Saturday, April 12, 2008
The Midlife Gals BIG News!
Well, we're now off to the races with our videos! A BIG health network resource website called The Health Central Network has hired us to make some nutty videos for their site to 'liven it up a bit.' These sites are chocked full of reference information and therefore can be more boring than a school play that your kid ISN'T in...so it's our job to provide both video and blog postings with our own brand of humor! And, bless their hearts, they're giving us pretty much free rein. We suggested they might get some feedback from people with no senses of humor who think we are 'offensive,' but that's never stopped us before, and they're game...so here is our first skin care video for them. It will be on their site soon...maybe next week! Go to the skin care subsection on the left side of their home page. We'll update you all next week when we're 'live.'
Yeehaw!!!
KK and The SalGal
Yeehaw!!!
KK and The SalGal
Friday, April 11, 2008
Our First Live Performance!
We didn't mean for it to be and we weren't expecting it, but that's usually when it's the best, right? Sal and I have some really big fans at an editing studio where I have copies of our DVD of videos reproduced. The first time I took in a DVD to have copied a few weeks ago, Donnie, my man, Donnie, kept trying to call us later that day to let us know that they were ready. We were out that afternoon so he kept getting The Ancient One on the phone. Well, you all know how much old people like to talk on the phone to strangers...not to their friends (if they're still alive) but to service people, insurance salesmen or the catalog order department. She chatted up Donnie to such a degree that he put her on speakerphone in the office where there were four people in one room!
By the time I arrived to pick up our copies, Donnie told us about talking to The Ancient One and that they looked at our videos when they made the copies and loved them so much that they found our channel on YouTube, went there and watched every video we've done! We LOVE Donnie!
So, both of us took another DVD for copying yesterday around lunchtime. When we entered his office, there were at least 7 of his coworkers in the office sitting around a couch having lunch. "WHOA, it's The MIDLIFE GALS!" said Donnie. He introduced us to his colleagues with a brief explanation of who we were...asking how many copies we needed and then said, "Here's what I'll do...I'll make you 3 copies for FREE (and they're usually $25 a pop!) IF you and SalGal give us a live performance!"
It's pretty easy to do our shtick in front of our anonymous computer's camera...it's all together another thing to do it in front of other humans, but because Sal is an actress anyway, she said, "YEAH! We'll step in the hall and decide what we're going to do and be right back." CRAP, I thought!
But, I'll do almost anything to get something free, so what the hell! We stood in front of the group and re-created the video, Lizbet and That Bitch, Mayrie (sans crowns and makeup)...and the crowd went wild! Hehehe...and it was FUN! AND, it was practice for our potential sitcom!
We laughed all the way home....with my heart still beating out of my chest!
KK
******************************************************
Well, it's a good thing KK will do anything for free booty because I will do anything to get up in front of an audience. I have done lots of stand-up comedy in clubs in Hollywood, Pasadena and even the Velveeta Room right here in Austin. If KK had said no to the trade I would have dragged her in, duct taped her to the chair and forced her to perform on threat of no mexican food for lunch. Luckily those extreme measures were not necessary as in reality she is a player.
I think our performance went well even if we had no idea or preparation, make-up people or dress rehearsal. Wait a minute, we never have that anyway. We never write down what we are going to say in our videos. We just get an idea and then each of us separately thinks of a few things we want to say and then...well, we let the muse of comedy take the ball and run with it. We may be a bit profane at times (we have gotten some really tragique comments on our Edith Pilaf blog) but we don't give a shit because when you've seen the joke you've seen the truth. There's no glamour in suffering for us. We wallow in our ability to turn any angst and turmoil into a trip to the twisted, contorted Cirque de Fukthat.
I will perform anything from Chekov to Billy Crystal if requested and given an audience of two or more. I'm an actor and that's just how we are. We cant' help it. We were born to stand up on top of the dome at the State Capitol building and sing 'Don't Bring Around A Cloud to Rain On My Parade!' We were meant to entertain, make people cry and climb the rafters for for a cheap laugh.
Lighten up folks! You'll live longer and we'll get richer. Empty the pool of dread and fear and make a conscious choice to revel in the hot tub of rubber chickens, pies in the face and snot-slinging guffaws.
SalGla
By the time I arrived to pick up our copies, Donnie told us about talking to The Ancient One and that they looked at our videos when they made the copies and loved them so much that they found our channel on YouTube, went there and watched every video we've done! We LOVE Donnie!
So, both of us took another DVD for copying yesterday around lunchtime. When we entered his office, there were at least 7 of his coworkers in the office sitting around a couch having lunch. "WHOA, it's The MIDLIFE GALS!" said Donnie. He introduced us to his colleagues with a brief explanation of who we were...asking how many copies we needed and then said, "Here's what I'll do...I'll make you 3 copies for FREE (and they're usually $25 a pop!) IF you and SalGal give us a live performance!"
It's pretty easy to do our shtick in front of our anonymous computer's camera...it's all together another thing to do it in front of other humans, but because Sal is an actress anyway, she said, "YEAH! We'll step in the hall and decide what we're going to do and be right back." CRAP, I thought!
But, I'll do almost anything to get something free, so what the hell! We stood in front of the group and re-created the video, Lizbet and That Bitch, Mayrie (sans crowns and makeup)...and the crowd went wild! Hehehe...and it was FUN! AND, it was practice for our potential sitcom!
We laughed all the way home....with my heart still beating out of my chest!
KK
******************************************************
Well, it's a good thing KK will do anything for free booty because I will do anything to get up in front of an audience. I have done lots of stand-up comedy in clubs in Hollywood, Pasadena and even the Velveeta Room right here in Austin. If KK had said no to the trade I would have dragged her in, duct taped her to the chair and forced her to perform on threat of no mexican food for lunch. Luckily those extreme measures were not necessary as in reality she is a player.
I think our performance went well even if we had no idea or preparation, make-up people or dress rehearsal. Wait a minute, we never have that anyway. We never write down what we are going to say in our videos. We just get an idea and then each of us separately thinks of a few things we want to say and then...well, we let the muse of comedy take the ball and run with it. We may be a bit profane at times (we have gotten some really tragique comments on our Edith Pilaf blog) but we don't give a shit because when you've seen the joke you've seen the truth. There's no glamour in suffering for us. We wallow in our ability to turn any angst and turmoil into a trip to the twisted, contorted Cirque de Fukthat.
I will perform anything from Chekov to Billy Crystal if requested and given an audience of two or more. I'm an actor and that's just how we are. We cant' help it. We were born to stand up on top of the dome at the State Capitol building and sing 'Don't Bring Around A Cloud to Rain On My Parade!' We were meant to entertain, make people cry and climb the rafters for for a cheap laugh.
Lighten up folks! You'll live longer and we'll get richer. Empty the pool of dread and fear and make a conscious choice to revel in the hot tub of rubber chickens, pies in the face and snot-slinging guffaws.
SalGla
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Divas LIVE!
No, I'm not talking about Sal and me, although some might think so, but it's just because they don't really know us like YOU do!
If you don't love opera, and for some it's an acquired taste to be sure...get over it and go out and rent an opera CD of just the most famous arias (that's songs for you opera haters). Now, I will confess that the only operas I really like at all are the REALLY tragic, highly dramatic ITALIAN operas...the ones where the heroine dies an eternally slow death while singing and flinging herself in her nighty all across the stage and back before she finally succumbs to death in the arms of her hero (who is really just a slob who can't commit!).
Sal and I had the opportunity to go to our newly built concert hall, The Long Center to see and hear perhaps the best soprano opera singer alive today...Kathleen Battle. Her CD would be a great one to start listening to. Talk about divas!!
This woman started out singing at the Metropolitan Opera in NY when she was in her twenties...and after a few years of her tantrums and divaness, they kicked her out for GOOD. You have to do something pretty outrageous to get kicked out of the Met because ALL of the opera singers there are divas and divos (maybe not a word...but). So, she's made her living recording CDs and doing live concerts.
Our original seats were in the mezzanine so she looked like a moving, gesticulating bug with a taffeta shawl draped around her. I could tell that even though these seats were the only ones we could afford, that they just wouldn't do. I spent more time looking around down on the main floor with my binoculars at the very few empty seats to which we would flee at intermission than I did focusing on Ms. Battle herself. Then, as she walked off the stage to people screaming, BRAVA, I grabbed Sal by the hand and said, "Come on...we're moving." You have to do this quickly because there are other devious people doing the same thing.
Well, if we didn't end up in the third row center, my name isn't KK...I mean, we were close enough to see her nose hairs, but I didn't look! We were mesmerized, gobsmacked at the voice that came from her mouth AND at the number of times that she took little mini-intermissions! She would sing about three songs and then take her piano player and dramatically stride off the set blowing kisses to the crowd. What a DIVA!
The funniest parts of the evening would come when, after finishing a beautiful song, she had to "take a moment" before she sang the next one...so she would just stand there looking out at the audience, then down at her feet, then at the flower arrangement on the piano. Now, knowing opera divas, I knew that she was emotionally preparing herself for the next change in tempo. Sal was like, "What the fuck? What is she DOING? Do you think she forgot what she was doing or where she IS?" I had to explain to Sal that this is just what Divas DO.
Anyway, we had a blast. Life really IS a song, isn't it...and I'm just as happy listening to opera as I am to George Strait, who were he 7 inches taller, I would MARRY! Just go hear someone sing! Or walk around your own house singing at the top of your lungs and see what happens. If someone tries to stop you, put on your best DIVA!
KK
*********************************************************
Well, really. She was a diva of the first order. I wouldn't know how to be a diva. I stand up for very few things and generally just go with the flow and feel gratitude for the abundance in my life; my cat, The Ancient One and KK. It's very nice that they all are aware that I hate it when the toilet paper is put on the roll so that it falls from the back instead of draping from the front. They are so sweet about knowing that I must have the remote and watch my shows each night, that they must be silent during these shows and that my bourbon must have three ice cubes...not two, not four - three. KK has finally learned how to serve it properly.
I'm not high maintenance at all. I only spend about 45 minutes on my make-up, two hours on my hair and half the day dressing appropriately. I am usually out the door by noon. Discipline counts you know. I will not eat at cheap, small or 'homey' restaurants as I prefer French pate, duck confit on my salads and white truffles on my fillet Mignon steaks. Once a waiter actually served caviar with no lemon. I had to inform the management and I believe he was fired for such ignorance.
Most of the time I am agreeable and open to the wants and needs of the little people - unless they don't treat me with the proper dignity that I so brilliantly deserve. As long as they know their place I will say thank you to them, tip the requisite %10 and compliment them on their dungarees.
Ta ta for now and do write when you are gainfully employed,
SalGal
If you don't love opera, and for some it's an acquired taste to be sure...get over it and go out and rent an opera CD of just the most famous arias (that's songs for you opera haters). Now, I will confess that the only operas I really like at all are the REALLY tragic, highly dramatic ITALIAN operas...the ones where the heroine dies an eternally slow death while singing and flinging herself in her nighty all across the stage and back before she finally succumbs to death in the arms of her hero (who is really just a slob who can't commit!).
Sal and I had the opportunity to go to our newly built concert hall, The Long Center to see and hear perhaps the best soprano opera singer alive today...Kathleen Battle. Her CD would be a great one to start listening to. Talk about divas!!
This woman started out singing at the Metropolitan Opera in NY when she was in her twenties...and after a few years of her tantrums and divaness, they kicked her out for GOOD. You have to do something pretty outrageous to get kicked out of the Met because ALL of the opera singers there are divas and divos (maybe not a word...but). So, she's made her living recording CDs and doing live concerts.
Our original seats were in the mezzanine so she looked like a moving, gesticulating bug with a taffeta shawl draped around her. I could tell that even though these seats were the only ones we could afford, that they just wouldn't do. I spent more time looking around down on the main floor with my binoculars at the very few empty seats to which we would flee at intermission than I did focusing on Ms. Battle herself. Then, as she walked off the stage to people screaming, BRAVA, I grabbed Sal by the hand and said, "Come on...we're moving." You have to do this quickly because there are other devious people doing the same thing.
Well, if we didn't end up in the third row center, my name isn't KK...I mean, we were close enough to see her nose hairs, but I didn't look! We were mesmerized, gobsmacked at the voice that came from her mouth AND at the number of times that she took little mini-intermissions! She would sing about three songs and then take her piano player and dramatically stride off the set blowing kisses to the crowd. What a DIVA!
The funniest parts of the evening would come when, after finishing a beautiful song, she had to "take a moment" before she sang the next one...so she would just stand there looking out at the audience, then down at her feet, then at the flower arrangement on the piano. Now, knowing opera divas, I knew that she was emotionally preparing herself for the next change in tempo. Sal was like, "What the fuck? What is she DOING? Do you think she forgot what she was doing or where she IS?" I had to explain to Sal that this is just what Divas DO.
Anyway, we had a blast. Life really IS a song, isn't it...and I'm just as happy listening to opera as I am to George Strait, who were he 7 inches taller, I would MARRY! Just go hear someone sing! Or walk around your own house singing at the top of your lungs and see what happens. If someone tries to stop you, put on your best DIVA!
KK
*********************************************************
Well, really. She was a diva of the first order. I wouldn't know how to be a diva. I stand up for very few things and generally just go with the flow and feel gratitude for the abundance in my life; my cat, The Ancient One and KK. It's very nice that they all are aware that I hate it when the toilet paper is put on the roll so that it falls from the back instead of draping from the front. They are so sweet about knowing that I must have the remote and watch my shows each night, that they must be silent during these shows and that my bourbon must have three ice cubes...not two, not four - three. KK has finally learned how to serve it properly.
I'm not high maintenance at all. I only spend about 45 minutes on my make-up, two hours on my hair and half the day dressing appropriately. I am usually out the door by noon. Discipline counts you know. I will not eat at cheap, small or 'homey' restaurants as I prefer French pate, duck confit on my salads and white truffles on my fillet Mignon steaks. Once a waiter actually served caviar with no lemon. I had to inform the management and I believe he was fired for such ignorance.
Most of the time I am agreeable and open to the wants and needs of the little people - unless they don't treat me with the proper dignity that I so brilliantly deserve. As long as they know their place I will say thank you to them, tip the requisite %10 and compliment them on their dungarees.
Ta ta for now and do write when you are gainfully employed,
SalGal
Monday, April 7, 2008
The Weakness of Mortals
SalGal and I went to a fancy shmancy, artsy fartsy party the other night...ate the canapes, people watched, had a bellini and left. We got in the car, and the first thing I said was, "DANG, I wish I had a cigarette." To which she replied, "Where's the nearest store?" We gasped at our brazen confessions (since we quit smoking 5 months ago)...but like laughing zombies (or teenagers looking for trouble)...we drove to the store, bought a pack of Winstons and SMOKED!
That cigarette tasted better than the first one I had when I was 14! Lest you can't wait to write to us to warn of the hazards we face therein...please know that we know this. I quit smoking once for seven years! It's the nicotine monster and he resides within. Besides...we never had a chance. I have an old black-n-white photo of The Ancient One (when she was young and The Stunning One) in 1952...8 months pregnant with ME...at a cocktail party...cigarette in one hand and a scotch in the other.
Whether it's food, sex (well I might not try to fix that problem), gambling, whatEV...addictions are everywhere, aren't they? Mine could be worse, I suppose, but along with everything else, Sally and I share this one and always have. We've lost 3 pounds in the last 3 days and find ourselves doing the good old brainstorming in front of an ashtray with a glass of wine of an evening or coffee in the morning out on our deck...fully enjoying these moments...for now.
As a matter of fact, I'm sitting here in my jammies after having just awakened, and since I'm writing about smoking, the little monster on my shouder keeps tapping...he's waiting. Now he's saying, "For the DEVIL's SAKE, get the LEAD out...get your coffee and FEED ME!
Gotta go...Ta Ta,
KK
*************************************************************
I know, I know what all you guys are thinking so just shut the fuck up about it, okay? We know all the bad stuff and we will quit again now that we know the secret that it's not that hard. You see, we never had a chance. Back in the forties and fifties the pregnant women really didn't think that drinking and smoking or drug taking had any effect on the fetus. They thought of it as a separate entity. On its own.
My mother told me that for months right after I was born I cried every day at 5PM. Well, helllloooo....IT WAS THE COCKTAIL HOUR!!! And I wanted my martini and my Lucky Strike. I'd been getting them every day for 9 months and then all of a sudden I'm not warm and cuddly anymore and there's all this air around me. Where's the bar? Give me a cigarette!!!! What's this 'Rockabye Baby shit'!! I like Frank Sinatra!
We were screwed from the very beginning. And all you smokers out there? We know you want to quit and you will. We are rooting for you!
SalGal
That cigarette tasted better than the first one I had when I was 14! Lest you can't wait to write to us to warn of the hazards we face therein...please know that we know this. I quit smoking once for seven years! It's the nicotine monster and he resides within. Besides...we never had a chance. I have an old black-n-white photo of The Ancient One (when she was young and The Stunning One) in 1952...8 months pregnant with ME...at a cocktail party...cigarette in one hand and a scotch in the other.
Whether it's food, sex (well I might not try to fix that problem), gambling, whatEV...addictions are everywhere, aren't they? Mine could be worse, I suppose, but along with everything else, Sally and I share this one and always have. We've lost 3 pounds in the last 3 days and find ourselves doing the good old brainstorming in front of an ashtray with a glass of wine of an evening or coffee in the morning out on our deck...fully enjoying these moments...for now.
As a matter of fact, I'm sitting here in my jammies after having just awakened, and since I'm writing about smoking, the little monster on my shouder keeps tapping...he's waiting. Now he's saying, "For the DEVIL's SAKE, get the LEAD out...get your coffee and FEED ME!
Gotta go...Ta Ta,
KK
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I know, I know what all you guys are thinking so just shut the fuck up about it, okay? We know all the bad stuff and we will quit again now that we know the secret that it's not that hard. You see, we never had a chance. Back in the forties and fifties the pregnant women really didn't think that drinking and smoking or drug taking had any effect on the fetus. They thought of it as a separate entity. On its own.
My mother told me that for months right after I was born I cried every day at 5PM. Well, helllloooo....IT WAS THE COCKTAIL HOUR!!! And I wanted my martini and my Lucky Strike. I'd been getting them every day for 9 months and then all of a sudden I'm not warm and cuddly anymore and there's all this air around me. Where's the bar? Give me a cigarette!!!! What's this 'Rockabye Baby shit'!! I like Frank Sinatra!
We were screwed from the very beginning. And all you smokers out there? We know you want to quit and you will. We are rooting for you!
SalGal
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