Friday, August 31, 2007

Purse Contents

How midlife purse contents differ:

My purse is bigger at this age. I need more stuff. I have stuff that compliments my station, my health, my need for beautification, cleanliness and my addictions:

*Cell phone - du'uh
*Old movie tickets - from my addiction
*6 pens - I'm a pen kleptomaniac
*4 lighters - can't smoke unless the fire is lit, and I also steal these
*1 Pack of Winstons at all times
*4 packets of Tic Tac - to keep my breath fresh after all my cigarettes
*1 small bottle of Victoria's Secret, "Love Spell" - to spray over upper torso after cigarettes
*lipstick and lip gloss - so people will know that I actually do have lips
*Whistle - for protection aganist perrverts (if I had time to rifle through my purse to find it in time)
*Pepper Spray - see above
*Gentiana Drain Fire Formula - Chinese herbs (not sure what they do, but it sounds good)
*Checkbook - because I'm still a dinosaur and write checks
*Credit cards - gas, Visa, bank card, AAA cus I know nothing about cars and my USO sponsoring member card (my tithing charity)
*AARP membership card - for senior citizen discounts
*$40 in cash
*Check I wrote to myself for $500,000 (from Harper Collins as affirmation that this publisher will buy my first novel)
*Foldable fan - for hot flashes
*Grocery coupons in an organized folder (free money)
*5 Valium - for when I smoke pot, so I won't get paranoid
*Monogrammed toothpick holder - for movie addiction
*3 band aids - you just never know
*Kodak portable camera- because people are funny when you least expect it
*Small bottle of hand sanitizer - to wipe off grocery cart germs
*Tobacco bits - from a broken cigarette that escaped it's box
*One old note on a crumpled piece of paper that reads, "Mutant Message Down Under" (I have no idea what this is)

I carry everything I need as you can see. I'll have to investigate the Mutant Message thingy, but if middle-aged purse contents are any indication of personality disorders, I'm in the club.

Ditto on everything mentioned above but my purse is bigger than KK's. I generally have lotto tickets and Weekly Grand scratch off cards in my wallet. I have old ones in there too because I'm afraid that the lottery people will someday say, 'Oh! We gave you the wrong winning numbers and here are the real ones! Sorry. Apparently Sally Jackson has won 30 million dollars!'
I also have grocery lists crumpled in the bottom of my purse with stuff like Pepsid, BreathRight Strips (I snore) and prunes on them. They are in my purse because I'm never near a trash can and I don't want some stranger seeing my list if I leave it in the cart. They won't know who I am but you can tell a lot by someone's grocery list.
I am hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) so I have protein in the form of nuts or a protein bar handy in case I start feeling that petulant feeling coming on. It starts with that petulant feeling and if I don't get protein fast I start monsterizing people. By that I mean that the slightest infraction will bring on cutting words, a short temper and my unbridled wrath. To illustrate:
Check out girl: "Do you have your Randall's card?"
SalGal: "Why do you always ask me that when you know good and goddam well that I lost it two years ago and all you have to have is my telephone number!? God! Get some training for Christ's sake. Shit."
And then I stomp off in righteous indignation.
I have Bert's Bees red lipstick so I'll know where to talk out of and forty dollars for martinis.
I have Xanax for auditions because I get so nervous my head starts shaking and it is very embarrassing cause I'm a good actor. I got a job once because of that though. I started crying in a callback for 'Judging Amy' and my head started shaking and the director loved it. I also take a Xanax before going up on stage to do stand-up.
I have a yellow highlighter for highlighting my lines on scripts in my acting class.
A half-smoked joint that's been in my purse for a year because I keep forgetting about it.
After Labor Day we get to go to Target and get new purses for fall. They have ones that look like Prada but they are only twenty bucks and nobody knows.

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