Here's a post that is bothly timely and universal (November 2010)
You’ve
probably bought your turkey for Thanksgiving by now, yes? Good,
because these holidays happen FAST! Before you’ve even dismantled the
blow-up pumpkin with Casper inside, it’s time to buy the rust-colored
fake dry leaves to adorn the Thanksgiving table where the turkey will
make its appearance...for about 3.5 minutes before it too will be
‘dismantled’ into our stomachs until there are only bones left. I
realize that was kind of a long sentence, but it’s like these
holidays...they just go on and on, bleeding into each other until Jan
1...after the black-eyed peas have been presented and devoured for good
luck. Then, and only then can we really relax.
I advise everyone to just
wear black during these holidays. That way, you can adorn yourself with
accessorized color depending on which holiday. Black and orange for
Halloween...given. Save the orange and mix it with rust, dull green and
chocolate brown and you’re good to go with your black outfit for
T’Day. And, the black will be the perfect backdrop for the ridiculous
Christmas tree brooches, tree light necklaces and candy cane leggings.
We’ve all just gone too far, wouldn’t you agree???
It’s really difficult to
explain holidays to cats. They are stupefied by a pumpkin and insulted
by the requisite scary black cat with its back arched around All
Hallow’s Eve. They wind up on the kitchen counter eating every scrap
available as we’re at the Thanksgiving table doing the same thing, but
with forks. And, the only thing they like about Christmas are the empty
gift boxes and the tissue strewn all over the room. They just don’t
understand why we don’t leave all that stuff out every day. You can’t
explain interior decoration to them either...goes right over their tiny
heads.
So, if you haven’t started
feeling overwhelmed by the dizzying holiday seasons, you’re behind! Get
stressed, pissed off, bah-humbugged before it’s too late!
KK
****************************
Oh, I love the holidays
too. That’s partly because I love empty boxes (especially decorated
ones), sneaking bites of the turkey left on the kitchen counter, and
playing with new toys. The cats and I are exactly alike. If I could
hide in a box or take a long nap in a shaft of sunlight, I would do that
too.
I put a scary witch and
some spiders on the screen door for Halloween. KK told me I was really
lame, but she doesn’t’ understand how much fun it is to scare little
kids. I wish we could scare little kids at Thanksgiving too, but I’ll
just have to settle for a pumpkin by the front door and a
six-foot-tall-blow-up turkey in the front yard. Decorations are a must
for all holidays, as Austin needs to uphold its reputation for
weirdness, and all of its denizens must contribute to this tradition.
Any kind of yard-art or door-wreath plasticity is highly encouraged by
the population of this city. Televisions perched in trees are a
mainstay for Christmas decorations and if yours actually turns on, you
are considered a genius.
I look forward to Christmas
and all of its good cheer and fake snow in the windows downtown. Of
course, people in Austin go all out to celebrate the birth of Jesus, and
Santa Claus seems to embody this festivity more than nativity scenes on
the lawns or even lit-up ‘Our Lady of Guadalupes’ in the windows. I
hate Santa Claus…mainly because I sat in the lap of one when I was about
three years old and his stale, smokey, bourbon breath almost knocked me
into the fake bag of presents by the elf. Even worse than that though
was the fact that he had black stubble under his white beard, and then
he handed me a scary doll that made me think of my best friend’s mother.
That was not good. My best friend’s mother looked like Ed Sullivan.
But I digress. I need to
go into the decoration box in the garage and pull out the
three-foot-tall papier mache monk holding the cornucopia overflowing
with gourds and berries, and put the Christmas lights around him and put
him in the window so people can see how involved we are in the holiday
spirit. Then I ‘m going to go hide in a box and lick my cat’s head.
SalGal
