For All You Caregivers Out There!!

There IS light at the end of the caregiving tunnel.  In the meantime, make those for whom you care...PLAY!!!  It's a 'short trip,' and you'll wind up with some HYSTERICAL video memories...

                                                   Take THIS as an example.....hehehehe.....

Happy Turkleween Thnksmas!!!

You’ve probably bought your turkey for Thanksgiving by now, yes?  Good, because these holidays happen FAST!  Before you’ve even dismantled the blow-up pumpkin with Casper inside, it’s time to buy the rust-colored fake dry leaves to adorn the Thanksgiving table where the turkey will make its appearance...for about 3.5 minutes before it too will be ‘dismantled’ into our stomachs until there are only bones left.  I realize that was kind of a long sentence, but it’s like these holidays...they just go on and on, bleeding into each other until Jan 1...after the black-eyed peas have been presented and devoured for good luck.  Then, and only then can we really relax.

I advise everyone to just wear black during these holidays.  That way, you can adorn yourself with accessorized color depending on which holiday.  Black and orange for Halloween...given.  Save the orange and mix it with rust, dull green and chocolate brown and you’re good to go with your black outfit for T’Day.  And, the black will be the perfect backdrop for the ridiculous Christmas tree brooches, tree light necklaces and candy cane leggings.  We’ve all just gone too far, wouldn’t you agree???

It’s really difficult to explain holidays to cats.  They are stupefied by a pumpkin and insulted by the requisite scary black cat with its back arched around All Hallow’s Eve.  They wind up on the kitchen counter eating every scrap available as we’re at the Thanksgiving table doing the same thing, but with forks.  And, the only thing they like about Christmas are the empty gift boxes and the tissue strewn all over the room.  They just don’t understand why we don’t leave all that stuff out every day.  You can’t explain interior decoration to them either...goes right over their tiny heads.

So, if you haven’t started feeling overwhelmed by the dizzying holiday seasons, you’re behind!  Get stressed, pissed off, bah-humbugged before it’s too late!

KK

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Oh, I love the holidays too.  That’s partly because I love empty boxes (especially decorated ones), sneaking bites of the turkey left on the kitchen counter, and playing with new toys.  The cats and I are exactly alike.  If I could hide in a box or take a long nap in a shaft of sunlight, I would do that too.

I put a scary witch and some spiders on the door for Halloween.  KK told me I was really lame, but she doesn’t’ understand how much fun it is to scare little kids.  I wish we could scare little kids at Thanksgiving too, but I’ll just have to settle for a pumpkin by the front door.  Decorations are a must for all holidays, as Honoluluans needs to uphold their reputation for obsessive-holiday-compulsions, and all of her denizens must contribute to this tradition.  Any kind of yard-art or door-wreath plasticity is highly encouraged by the population of this city.  Televisions perched in trees are a mainstay for Christmas decorations and if yours actually turns on, you are considered a genius.

I look forward to Christmas and all of its good cheer and fake snow in the windows downtown.  Of course, people in Honolulu go all out to celebrate the birth of Jesus, and Santa Claus seems to embody this festivity more than nativity scenes on the lawns or even lit-up Queen Liliuokalani candles in the windows.  I hate Santa Claus…mainly because I sat in the lap of one when I was about three years old and his stale, smokey, bourbon breath almost knocked me into the fake bag of presents by the elf.  Even worse than that though was the fact that he had black stubble under his white beard, and then he handed me a scary doll that made me think of my best friend’s mother.  That was not good.  My best friend’s mother looked like Ed Sullivan.

But I digress.  I need to go into the decoration box and pull out the three-foot-tall papier mache monk holding the cornucopia overflowing with gourds and berries, and put the Christmas lights around him and put him by the door

so people can see how involved we are in the holiday spirit.  Then I ‘m going to go hide in a box and lick my cat’s head.

SalGal

Twick or Tweet!!!  BOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's Re-Visit...the CAR and How it Works!

KK and SalGal think that you ladies might need a brush up on car maintenance.  You've not come to the right place, but we're gonna tell you anyway!  So simple...

To Labor or NOT to Labor on LABOR DAY?!?

KK and Sal are of two VERY different camps on this issue

Photos WILL Be Taken!! Use THIS Trick!

Every middle-aged woman needs a friend to help her look her best.  Because, really, who is the first person you look at in a group photo...du'uh...YOURSELF!  

TRY THE WADDLE LIFT!!!!

Why, YES, we DO Review Movies!!!

Remember Almodovar's FANTASTIC movie, Talk to Her?  Well, some of you weren't even born when this movie came out, but we loved it and felt compelled to let THE WORLD know all about it!

Yes, we ARE for hire as movie reviewers...du'uh!

Here's To YOU, Daddy!

We're thinking that Daddy was already contemplating the Universe and his place therein, because he died a few years after this photo was taken.  1958!

HAPPY 'wonder what it would have been like to have a FATHER's DAY!

We're Ready to Go!! What a Ride! Bring it ON!

                                          Doomsday Check(off) List

So,  we have the kind of survival kit that might make you laugh, and one could argue that we are not ready for anything, much less the end of the world.  This got us thinking, so we decided to write our bucket lists of ‘missions accomplished’ instead of things we want to do, because, let’s face it…time’s a wasting or there IS no more time…whatever.  Sally’s list will differ wildly from mine, which is why we love each other so much.   It keeps the conversation during our evening martini quite lively.

Here is my list:

Learned how to ride a horse when I was about 3 or 4

Tied the high school state champion high-jump record when I was in junior high.  Premature height had something to do with this.  It was either that or play basketball.  I didn’t like the girls’ basketball uniforms.

Voted ‘Most Obnoxious’ of my high school senior class.  I was actually running for ‘Most Sarcastic,’ but my fellow students apparently thought otherwise.

Lost my virginity at 17 and never wanted to do THAT again!

Saw my sweetheart on Bob Hope’s Christmas TV special from Vietnam in 1971

Married 3 times to 3 (okay, 2) amazing men, both of whom I still love

Got to ride a cutting horse in competition

Went on a cattle drive in Colorado

Took a wild horse trek through Tuscany

Got to see ‘Il Palio’ in Siena, Italy (an 800-year old, pageant-filled horse race around the piazza)

Asked Samuel Ramey (the Met's famous baritone opera singer) and a table full of fellow opera singers to sing happy birthday to me because it was my 40th birthday...and they DID.

Got to see my daddy’s grave at Arlington National Cemetery, and finally put The Ancient One to rest there with him

Met Prince Charles

Went on a few safaris in Africa

Got to see the actual Lascaux cave in France…with the old man, who as a 14-yr-old, fell into a hole in the ground with his buddies…and there it all was…all the majesty of paintings, stories, hand prints.  We all cried.

Saw The Three Tenors sing at the Hollywood Bowl

Met Merle Haggard

…and then we moved to Hawaii!!

KK

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SOME OF MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS BEFORE THE END OF THE WORLD

 OLIVER STONE hired me to do casting on ‘Natural Born Killers’ and then made me play Mickey’s Mom.

 SAM SHEPARD hired me because I ordered a martini instead of white wine.

ROBERT ALTMAN fired me because he didn’t like the shoes I wore to work one day.

Kept seeing the actors walking by and talking on horseback and decided ‘City Slickers’ was going to be a bomb.

 Told a young KEVIN COSTNER in an elevator in 1983 that if he wasn’t an actor he should think about it seriously.  He was way ahead of me. 

Worked too many times with MICKEY ROURKE and watched him speed across White Sands, stealing $80,00.00 worth of Armani wardrobe.

Was downstairs in the lobby of the La Fonda Hotel when Mickey shot Carrie Otis.

Cast a TV series for SPIELBERG.

 Watched TED LEVINE do a cross-legged imitation of himself as the killer in ‘Silence of the Lambs’ while he wore chaps and spurs on a western.

Listened to RICHARD HARRIS sing Camelot at a bar in Roswell, New Mexico.

 Got drunk with DERMOTT MULRONEY while listening to a new singer/friend of his  named MELISSA ETHRIDGE.

GREER GARSON was my mom’s best friend and changed my diapers daily after she did ‘Mrs. Minniver’.

 National Champion swimmer and known on the front pages of all the newspapers in Mexico City as ‘La Tigressa de la Mariposa.’

 Heard a famous, bombshell, sexpot actress beg CHRISTOPHER WALKEN to let her give him a blowjob and heard him say no because he was married and loved his wife.  Restored my faith in men.

Hired eight scientists in charge of the probe to Mars as extras on ‘Speechless’ and talked with them for twelve hours about what was going on at the labs in Los Alamos.

Have FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA’S spaghetti sauce recipe.

Studied Art and English in college for four years and thought I was going to be a painter.

Survived a flashflood on set while running for my life up a ravine with PETER COYOTE.

 Had the star of ‘The Lone Ranger’ throw up in my driveway and two years later had him wait on my table at ‘Jezebel’ in NYC. (Quentin Spillsbury)

Watched PAUL NEWMAN give Kevin Costner an acting lesson in a scene on a dock in New Harbor, Maine.

Watched a stuntman threaten a 16-year-old CHARLIE SHEEN after the teen star pointed a prop gun at him in jest.  Listened to Charlie read his poetry under a tree.

Wore braces on my legs just like Forest Gump’s when I was a kid.  I could swear those were mine they used in the movie.

 ‘Weight Watchers’ uses my recipe for homemade mayonnaise in their cookbook and I got gypped out of any remuneration from it.

Said ‘fuck it’ and moved to Hawaii to witness the end of the world.  Might as well be in paradise when it happens….

 SalGal

What a lovely young girl was our Mother.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY DEEDLES!!

The Woyals...an Interview!

In honor of the upcoming British nuptials of Harry and Megan, let's take a look back, SHALL WE!?!

Voice Overs...Du'uh! We can DO that!!

Buyin New Glasses! A Primer...

Ah! Living in Hawaii

Celebrating 6 years this months living in Paradise!!!

New Olympic Event!

The Midlife Gals can't WAIT for the SUMMER Games!!

Valentine's Day? Pish Posh...