BEFORE YOU READ THIS, SCROLL DOWN AND WATCH OUR YOGA VIDEO! It's right below this post.
Listen, we grew up in west Texas, ok?, so don't come at us if you intend to shake hands...with a bent hand that only grabs the ends of our fingers instead of the whole hand. You people who do that need to know that most of us, and I'll go so far as to say, ALL of us (because it's cyberspace and I can say whatever the hell I want to, right?)...want to SHAKE YOUR HAND...not your fingers! But, if you should come at us that prissy way, then just take our fingers up to your mouth and KISS OUR.....hand. At least it would be more dramatic. OK? Whew, now I feel all better because I've been fuming since we went to a dinner party last week and a grown man tried to shake hands with us that way. Why, we reemed him a new a-hole all the way home in the car with our denouncement of this style.
We may have long, skinny, bony hands, but we can shake your hand until you want to stop! It's just the way we learned growing up. Daddy used to close a deal with a handshake and I can still see my little bitty self with my head bent all the way back, staring up in awe at him with his big Daddy hands handing one to another Texan and then the both of them just shakin it out.
Here's another problem I have with greetings...the mouth kiss with juice on it. I don't kiss The Ancient One at all anymore because she always has 'mother juice' on her lips and it gets all over mine and makes me shake my head with queasiness as I wipe it off. Please close your mouths unless you're lovers or are trying to lick the lipstick off your woman's front tooth! Sal and I use the Eskimo nose kiss at the end of every day, and I kiss a few of my gal pals on the lips, but those puppies are closed tight and dry.
Please don't misunderstand me. Kissing is one of my most favorite things on earth, and frankly, for a woman with lips as thin as mine, I'm noted for being a damn good kisser, so you mens out there needn't fear me. I like to kiss men on the mouth when seeing one whom I know out and about. It always catches them off guard, and of course, I live to catch people 'off guard.'
My gal pals and I like to do the charicaturized 'air kiss' with each other like they do in real life in LA. I mean, do they really do that without slapping a thigh in laughter? How can anyone who does that be serious? It's fun, but come on.
I learned to look someone in the eyes when shaking their hand...hehehe...another gesture that catches them 'off guard.' I do, however, respect a person's air space around their body unless they let me know with their body language to come own in...then I do unless their breath is bad!
Greetings!
KK
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Greetings, fellow three-dimensional expressions of awareness! Om Shanty, aloha, howdy, dude-sup?, and how's yer momma and them?
I have never been hugged hello so much in my life as I have been since moving to Austin. The guys here hold out their arms for a robust, hearty, chest-slammin' 'howyadoin'! And that's at first introductions. I was thinking, 'I don't even know this guy and now there's an imprint of the Polo logo from his shirt embedded in my cheek.'
You gotta learn to do this when you live in Texas or else people will think you are stand-offish or that you think they stink. Texans are a very affectionate tribe. They do their Ancient Ones' hair, take their tots on daily walks and let strangers touch them, and put their hand underneath your chin when they want to make a point. That sentence always starts with, "Listen, darlin'..." And that's if they have ever met you before or not.
Texans love to great their dogs and cats warmly too. Texas men love cats unabashedly and I have never seen this before in any other state. KK kissed my cat Buddy the other day just after she put on her make-up and he got perfect little 'Dragon's Blood Red' lips and went walking around the house all day feeling like transvestite kitty.
So if you are going to come to Texas, get your arms in shape for grabbing people's shoulder blades from the front, make sure your teeth are clean for way-too-big smiles, and learn how to do the leave-taking requisite, 'I'll holler atcha!'
Areevadarechee, sayonara, namaste, chow, aloha again, hasta manana, voules vou cooshay avec moi and so forth and have a good day!
SalGal
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Give Me The Chance!
I bought a card the other day with my new favorite quote, "All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
It would take me a looooonnnnng time to prove this because I would have to experience riches in every area of my life. Um, let's see...would I rather stay at a Four Seasons or Motel 6? That's a tough one. Would I rather marry a rich man or a cowboy in a trailer park? (actually, since I'm an old rodeo whore, I had to think twice about that one). Or, would I rather wear Ralph Lauren or Tarjay (That's the French pronunciation of Target).
When you grow up with champagne tastes and a skim milk pocket book, 'lusting after' is a reality in your life. Correct me if I'm wrong here. Of course, the bible tells us not to covet, but that book is so thick, I didn't even TRY to read it until I was in my 30's. So, I missed a few commandments, ok? I WANT things now. Here's a partial list:
KK
*********************************************
Actually, I wouldn't have to have money to make my main dream come true. Would that I had a fish tail and could breathe under water. That would make me happy. When you were on land you could breathe air and have legs but as soon as you dove into the water you would be able to breathe and swim...like a dolphin, but with underarm hair.
I don't want a big bed. You see these giant, huge beds in show rooms at furniture stores and on HGTV home design shows and they are piled high with twenty thousand pillows like big, poofy mountains of foofoo. I want a queen-size bed with dark green, turquoise and gold backgrounds; swirling designs of peacocks and palm trees, and ghostly head-shots of George Clooney on the pillow cases. That wouldn't cost that much.
As far as expensive stuff, I want a loft in downtown Austin with 14-foot ceilings, a red Lexus and a sculpture of a mermaid next to an Olympic-size pool with an Italian fountain at one end and a pool house at the other that resembles the Taj Mahal. I would also like floats in the pool that are in the shape of George Clooney and have his face.
This is fun! This is like making out a Christmas list. I realize it's different now because we are adults, so our wishes are more conservative and realistic. Send your wishes up to the Universe and make it good! Give it all ya got! It's fun and it doesn't cost anything...
SalGal
It would take me a looooonnnnng time to prove this because I would have to experience riches in every area of my life. Um, let's see...would I rather stay at a Four Seasons or Motel 6? That's a tough one. Would I rather marry a rich man or a cowboy in a trailer park? (actually, since I'm an old rodeo whore, I had to think twice about that one). Or, would I rather wear Ralph Lauren or Tarjay (That's the French pronunciation of Target).
When you grow up with champagne tastes and a skim milk pocket book, 'lusting after' is a reality in your life. Correct me if I'm wrong here. Of course, the bible tells us not to covet, but that book is so thick, I didn't even TRY to read it until I was in my 30's. So, I missed a few commandments, ok? I WANT things now. Here's a partial list:
- The most expensive Hybrid car on the market. Hey, you get what you pay for, right?
- An entire wardrobe of Ralph Lauren, Donna Karan and Michael Kors all mixed and matched together
- The perfect house (like a Gatsby mansion) with topiary shaped animals and a garden full of nothing but peony and roses
- A stable full of beautiful, healthy, well-trained horses...one for each style I choose to ride that day...cutting, dressage, jumping, barrel racing or roping
- A huge swimming pool made with tiny Prussian blue Italian tiles with randomly placed tiny gold tiles that reflect the sun and make the water look like diamonds
- A big-ass flat screen tv in every room including the shower! (I don't want to miss Ellen!)
- And Brad Pitt laying nekkid on my king-sized bed with the Italian Pratesi sheets
KK
*********************************************
Actually, I wouldn't have to have money to make my main dream come true. Would that I had a fish tail and could breathe under water. That would make me happy. When you were on land you could breathe air and have legs but as soon as you dove into the water you would be able to breathe and swim...like a dolphin, but with underarm hair.
I don't want a big bed. You see these giant, huge beds in show rooms at furniture stores and on HGTV home design shows and they are piled high with twenty thousand pillows like big, poofy mountains of foofoo. I want a queen-size bed with dark green, turquoise and gold backgrounds; swirling designs of peacocks and palm trees, and ghostly head-shots of George Clooney on the pillow cases. That wouldn't cost that much.
As far as expensive stuff, I want a loft in downtown Austin with 14-foot ceilings, a red Lexus and a sculpture of a mermaid next to an Olympic-size pool with an Italian fountain at one end and a pool house at the other that resembles the Taj Mahal. I would also like floats in the pool that are in the shape of George Clooney and have his face.
This is fun! This is like making out a Christmas list. I realize it's different now because we are adults, so our wishes are more conservative and realistic. Send your wishes up to the Universe and make it good! Give it all ya got! It's fun and it doesn't cost anything...
SalGal
Thursday, June 26, 2008
We're movin!!
We've been told that an actual website with our blog as the theme is much better for us as we grow and we can put more stuff on it and you all can comment without setting up a friggin' Blogger account (which is kinda scammy if you ask me).
NOT TO WORRY! It seems we've thrown some of you midlifers into a tizzy with this news. We will continue blogging right here until we're fully operational and have our new blog home all painted and decorated with cool stuff...then I'll post our change of address so as to leave breadcrumbs on the cyber-trail for you.
We are sooooooo getting SYNCHED up!!! And it will look REALLY groovy.
KK
NOT TO WORRY! It seems we've thrown some of you midlifers into a tizzy with this news. We will continue blogging right here until we're fully operational and have our new blog home all painted and decorated with cool stuff...then I'll post our change of address so as to leave breadcrumbs on the cyber-trail for you.
We are sooooooo getting SYNCHED up!!! And it will look REALLY groovy.
KK
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
My Tribe Has Spoken...
...and eaten and drunk and gossiped and weathered family crises...and we did it all in 5 days!! I went to a friend's ranch in central Texas to meet up with my high school gal pals. We number 8. For the first 2 days, we solved all the problems that needed solving with lots of laughter and a few tears and then the last three days, we pretended that everything was hunky dory in each of our lives because the husbands and boyfriends showed up. They did the same thing, except they were solving problems like sports and which kind of vodka was better.
It's absolutely amazing why we don't all kill each other because you've never seen more control freaks in one ranch house in your life. At home, Sal has been trying to teach me to say 'please' when I ask for something. "Hand me that," I say...to which she responds, "...PLEASE." "Oh yeah, please...whatEVER, just give me the fucking thing!" So, I was in my element with those other broads who don't figure a please is necessary when asking someone to close the Goddamn screen door! When I pointed this out to my tribe, they laughed at Sally's silliness and told me to tell her to "get over it!"
All 14 of us piled into two pickups and drove to the highest point on the ranch one night to sit in lawn chairs in a pasture and drink as we marveled at what stars look like without the distraction of city lights. There were two cows who kept us company and talked back and forth to each other. I think I heard one of them say, "Have you EVER seen or heard a STUPIDER species in your entire life? Why are they watching the friggin sky? And, why are they making 'mooing' sounds at us? Are they idiots?!!"
A frog-strangling storm came up in the middle of one of our nights while I lay sleeping on a couch in the bunk house. There were no curtains in that living room so the lightening was strobe-like in its intensity and the thunder sounded like it was about to break all the windows. Because we had no TV so I could watch Doppler Radar to see if there was any purple in the shading of danger around the storm, I had my imagination to take me to scary places beyond my control. When I heard that train sound and thought the wind would blow the house away, I slipped down the hall to my friend, Mary Kay's room. She was in bed with a snoring husband and hadn't a clue what was going on.
Mary Kay was so kind when I asked if I could get in the kingsized bed with them because, "I don't want to die alone." The very minute I laid down, there arose an odor most foul, and I realized that her husband had just let a silent but deadly fart fly. I thought to my 'single' self, "Oh, that's right...I'd forgotten that they do that." I was there for a few minutes with my eyes wide open, gobsmacked that they didn't realize how serious the storm was and all of a sudden Mary Kay's husband reached across her body with his arm and found the side of my body! UP I jumped off the bed and with disgusted, "whatEVER," I left them to go back and die alone in the living room.
They would all be sorry the next morning when they had managed to survive but I and the living room had been blown into the next county. That was my plan anyway...for them to feel REALLY guilty for not listening to me, but when I looked out the window, there was nary a leaf ner blade of grass out of place. The only signs of rain were the flowers blooming in the dewy morning light. Consequently, NO one even believed my story about the storm of the previous evening. "Great," I thought, "Now they think I'm a complete pervert!
Everyone had quite the chuckle at my expense for the next few days, and I started laughing with them after my 4th Bloody Mary that morning. There were bigger fish to fry and I was still ALIVE.
Play with your friends. They've got your back (most of the time),
KK
It's absolutely amazing why we don't all kill each other because you've never seen more control freaks in one ranch house in your life. At home, Sal has been trying to teach me to say 'please' when I ask for something. "Hand me that," I say...to which she responds, "...PLEASE." "Oh yeah, please...whatEVER, just give me the fucking thing!" So, I was in my element with those other broads who don't figure a please is necessary when asking someone to close the Goddamn screen door! When I pointed this out to my tribe, they laughed at Sally's silliness and told me to tell her to "get over it!"
All 14 of us piled into two pickups and drove to the highest point on the ranch one night to sit in lawn chairs in a pasture and drink as we marveled at what stars look like without the distraction of city lights. There were two cows who kept us company and talked back and forth to each other. I think I heard one of them say, "Have you EVER seen or heard a STUPIDER species in your entire life? Why are they watching the friggin sky? And, why are they making 'mooing' sounds at us? Are they idiots?!!"
A frog-strangling storm came up in the middle of one of our nights while I lay sleeping on a couch in the bunk house. There were no curtains in that living room so the lightening was strobe-like in its intensity and the thunder sounded like it was about to break all the windows. Because we had no TV so I could watch Doppler Radar to see if there was any purple in the shading of danger around the storm, I had my imagination to take me to scary places beyond my control. When I heard that train sound and thought the wind would blow the house away, I slipped down the hall to my friend, Mary Kay's room. She was in bed with a snoring husband and hadn't a clue what was going on.
Mary Kay was so kind when I asked if I could get in the kingsized bed with them because, "I don't want to die alone." The very minute I laid down, there arose an odor most foul, and I realized that her husband had just let a silent but deadly fart fly. I thought to my 'single' self, "Oh, that's right...I'd forgotten that they do that." I was there for a few minutes with my eyes wide open, gobsmacked that they didn't realize how serious the storm was and all of a sudden Mary Kay's husband reached across her body with his arm and found the side of my body! UP I jumped off the bed and with disgusted, "whatEVER," I left them to go back and die alone in the living room.
They would all be sorry the next morning when they had managed to survive but I and the living room had been blown into the next county. That was my plan anyway...for them to feel REALLY guilty for not listening to me, but when I looked out the window, there was nary a leaf ner blade of grass out of place. The only signs of rain were the flowers blooming in the dewy morning light. Consequently, NO one even believed my story about the storm of the previous evening. "Great," I thought, "Now they think I'm a complete pervert!
Everyone had quite the chuckle at my expense for the next few days, and I started laughing with them after my 4th Bloody Mary that morning. There were bigger fish to fry and I was still ALIVE.
Play with your friends. They've got your back (most of the time),
KK
Great Local Press!
Here is the article that appeared in our local paper about us yesterday....tee hee!
Video-blogging sisters make midlife reality into comedy
Sisters Kelly and Sally Jackson have built an online universe around their uniquely Texan personae.
AMERICAN-STATESMAN STAFF
Monday, June 23, 2008
Most humor Web sites stay firmly rooted in the virtual world. You click. You laugh. You move on to another site.
The Midlife Gals, on the other hand, are taking their Texas-sized personae into the real world. Sisters Kelly and Sally Jackson, who have been blogging and shooting videos for their Web site since August, are already adapting their site (midlifegals.blogspot.com) into a book and a self-financed sitcom pilot.
On a recent weekday, they were dolled up in loud Western wear (the hats, the belt buckles, the costume earrings!) for a film shoot at the Mansion at Judges' Hill. The two were ready to crash the fictional "Cowpoke's Ball," a charity auction to benefit "The Maimed and Mutilated Rodeo Clown Foundation."
The sisters, who write humorously about baby-boomer life and shoot humorous movie reviews of films they rent from Netflix.com, call themselves "Lucy and Ethel" after getting rid of Fred and Ricky. "Or the 'Absolutely Fabulous' of Texas," adds Sally.
The rapidly expanding online universe includes an abused Easter Bunny and "The Ancient One," their 85-year-old mother. The sisters have parlayed the laughs into several paying gigs. They have begun producing videos for the HealthCentral Network, a set of wellness sites that includes MySkinCareConnection.com and OurAlzheimers.com.
The Midlife Gals' efforts have also earned them some critical acclaim. They were finalists for Web entertainment portal On Networks' Project Greenlight Awards in March and were featured on the KLRU TV show "Docubloggers."
We spoke to the Midlife Gals ("KK" and "SalGal," as Kelly and Sally refer to themselves on the Web site) about their self-made fame:
Austin American-Statesman: How has your blog evolved from writing to videos to shooting a sitcom pilot?
KK: First we researched what a blog was because we were curious back in July 2007. Then after we started our blog, we discovered a camera on my MacBook that I didn't know was even there. We had some kind of fun with that, let me tell you, and well, SalGal being a movie person (check out her resumé on IMDB), she just naturally gravitated toward storytelling and off we went!
SalGal: One day we were wondering what a blog was and a few months later I found myself directing and acting in our pilot, standing in front of the door at the Mansion at Judges' Hill wearing a red-and-black square-dancing dress and holding a cake in the shape of a cow patty. All I can tell you is that KK and I are doers, and our ideas take shape in the third dimension regularly and with lightning speed.
Is it easier to be funnier online where you can create personae and expand on them than in real life?
KK: When I was 6 years old, The Ancient One used to wake me up very late at night and demand that I come out to do my impersonation of our Uncle Claude for her cocktail party guests. They were all liquored up by that time of night, so the crowd went wild. I learned early on that I liked the way people looked when I made them laugh. I wish I could say that I'm more exaggerated with my personas online, but those who know me would tell you that it's six of me in real life and half-a-dozen of me online.
SalGal: Long before there was ever a computer, Kelly was making people laugh. At 5 years old, she was funnier than Phyllis Diller and cuter than the Beav. I like to be funny in real life. I studied comedy improv at the Groundlings in Los Angeles and did stand-up at the Comedy Store, the Improv on Melrose and the Ice House in Pasadena. I did it for a while at the Velveeta Room here in Austin when I got here from Hollywood. I like to hear the laughter.
When people think of video on the Web, they usually think of YouTube: young people mixing Mentos and Coke or singing about Barack Obama. Is there a big audience for 'midlife' entertainment on the Web geared toward a more mature viewership?
KK: Remembering that the boomer generation numbers around 78 million, and it was our generation who started computers to begin with, damn skippy we'd be involved and carve out a "midlife" niche on the Web. If you simply type in "midlife," "middle-age" or "boomer" into your search engine, you'd be gobsmacked to discover how many "onliners" are our age or older.
SalGal: Oh, I know you, you think most baby boomers don't have computers, don't know what "Google" means and can't tell a URL from a DVR. You would be surprised at how many of us have our own sites, buy our anti-aging products online and saw Pamela Anderson's sex tape on YouTube.
What was the biggest challenge in learning to build a Web site?
KK: Per your previous question about our age group being online: Checking e-mail is one thing, but building a Web site is quite another, and as you can tell from our site, the bells, whistles, colors, ads and font styles are simple at best. I figured out a long time ago that if I can just stay on the feeder road to the information superhighway, I'm a-doin' just fine. Building our blog was not the most organized or positive experience I've ever had.
SalGal: If it had been up to me, we never would have had a blog. KK was on a mission and all I had to do was make sure her cussing at the computer screen didn't wake up The Ancient One or scare the cats.
Do you look to other humor Web sites or film critics online for inspiration for your writing and videos?
KK: I wish I could answer yes to this question to show that inquiring minds want to know, but I'd be lying. I find that ignorance and naiveté breed creativity beyond the simple information that knowledge would bring. It just serves me better. We love to discover other midlife bloggers and highlight them on our blog, however, as it behooves us all to stick together in cyberspace.
SalGal: I gave up on looking at other people's sites the day I hit on some young guy crying about how everybody needed to forgive and leave Britney Spears alone. He was openly weeping and his eyeliner was smearing down his cheeks and he had gotten like a million hits on his patheticness.
What do you envision as the future of the Midlife Gals?
KK: I won't be truly satisfied until I see Midlife Gals bobble-belly dolls on the shelves at Target, frankly. We want our own sitcom on HBO, lending lunacy and acceptable insanity to the boomer audience.
SalGal: We want to make the world laugh, especially sad people. It's our gift. Unfortunately, we are going to have to get famous in order to pull that off. Or maybe it's not unfortunate, because it seems to be happening already in spite of us.
Masters of Their Domains spotlights Austin-area Web sites and their creators. If you have a unique Web site you'd like to share, e-mail ogallaga@statesman.com.
Friday, June 20, 2008
My tangled life/By SalGal
This morning I was dreaming that I was in a big dryer. You know those big dryers at the laundromat where you can see the clothes going around and around in the window? Well, I was in one and looking out the glass window. I awoke to find that I had apparently rolled over in my sheets so many times that I was wrapped up like a worm in a cocoon. I had to roll over three times to get extricated from my predicament. I know I dreamed that because yesterday when I tried to get The Ancient One's robes and nighties out of the washing machine they were all twisted and tangled. The robes' sashes were twisted throughout and everything looked like a big multicolored rope. As I tried to undo it I thought about how my life seems to do the same thing.
I bought a new hose for the garden. One hundred and fifty feet of green vinyl that looked simple enough. As I dragged out the coiled hose across the lawn I managed to get it so tangled that it took me two hours to get it laid across the lawn and get all the crimps out of it. I was so hot and sweaty I decided to take a shower and when I pulled the string on my drawstring pants, instead of it coming untied it turned into a knot. I tried to get my pants off without undoing the knot but that was not going to happen. So there I sat on the bed trying to undo the string as Buddy found the string to be the funnest toy in the world.
I shooed Buddy away and he jumped on the table and knocked the computer mouse and some kind of adapter under the table. When I got under there to get them I found a tangle of wires and cables that looked like a giant black widow had tried to build a nest. As I tried to get the mouse and adapter thingy back up to the table my drawstring dangled as the phone rang and I hit my head on the bottom of the table.
I thought everything was good as I enjoyed my shower and opened the drawer where KK and I keep our hair dryers. As I pulled out my hot/curler blower, KK's five curling irons and blowers came out all at the same time in a tangle of black wires that linked them all together like some demented string of Christmas tree lights. In the drawer above that, the same gremlins had wreaked havoc with the wires to my electric shaver (legs), my cell phone charger and a ribbon that had wrapped itself around a headband.
Sometimes my mind feels like it's tangled up in thoughts of every day concerns, deep philosophical concepts and musings on who the Bachelorette is going to get rid of next. It's all just a big jumble of sparking neurons that seem to have no logical connections to each other. Do you ever feel like that?
Have you ever pulled the string on your Nike tennis shoes to untie the bow and had it turn into a knot? Excuse me while I try to get this damned thing undone.
SalGal
SalGal
I bought a new hose for the garden. One hundred and fifty feet of green vinyl that looked simple enough. As I dragged out the coiled hose across the lawn I managed to get it so tangled that it took me two hours to get it laid across the lawn and get all the crimps out of it. I was so hot and sweaty I decided to take a shower and when I pulled the string on my drawstring pants, instead of it coming untied it turned into a knot. I tried to get my pants off without undoing the knot but that was not going to happen. So there I sat on the bed trying to undo the string as Buddy found the string to be the funnest toy in the world.
I shooed Buddy away and he jumped on the table and knocked the computer mouse and some kind of adapter under the table. When I got under there to get them I found a tangle of wires and cables that looked like a giant black widow had tried to build a nest. As I tried to get the mouse and adapter thingy back up to the table my drawstring dangled as the phone rang and I hit my head on the bottom of the table.
I thought everything was good as I enjoyed my shower and opened the drawer where KK and I keep our hair dryers. As I pulled out my hot/curler blower, KK's five curling irons and blowers came out all at the same time in a tangle of black wires that linked them all together like some demented string of Christmas tree lights. In the drawer above that, the same gremlins had wreaked havoc with the wires to my electric shaver (legs), my cell phone charger and a ribbon that had wrapped itself around a headband.
Sometimes my mind feels like it's tangled up in thoughts of every day concerns, deep philosophical concepts and musings on who the Bachelorette is going to get rid of next. It's all just a big jumble of sparking neurons that seem to have no logical connections to each other. Do you ever feel like that?
Have you ever pulled the string on your Nike tennis shoes to untie the bow and had it turn into a knot? Excuse me while I try to get this damned thing undone.
SalGal
SalGal
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