Tuesday, October 22, 2019

Youth...Pish Posh!!

I wouldn’t be young again if you paid me many thousands of dollars.  Okay, if you offered me millions of dollars, I would indeed go back to my dentist and have him put the silver metal braces back on my teeth, but I would ask for a million per year (I had to wear them for four years!).  I’ve heard that young’uns now-a-days have to wear them for about a week, and they can pick purple if they want to.  Injustice number one.

You can tell I’m a senior because I’ve already used the term, now-a-days.  Isn’t that pathetic? I didn’t realize it until I re-read that first paragraph.  Those terms come out of my mouth without my brain even knowing it.  When those expressions escape my lips, the knowingness that I am becoming my mother sends shivers up my bent spine.  Injustice number two.

Now that I’ve re-read the second paragraph, I’m not sounding too happy about my age now, am I?  But, really...would you be thirteen again...EVER?  I grew EIGHT inches in my thirteenth year.  By that summer, my little friends came up to my waist.  I felt like the Empire State Building surrounded by a sea of three-floor, brownstone walk-ups.  My legs were 4’9” long and my neck comprised the other foot bringing my adolescent frame to 5’9”.  Injustice numbers three through twelve.

When you become a senior you just have to trade some things.  You trade a turkey waddle for empowerment, waist-level bosoms for the sense of humor you always wished you had, and spider veins for the balls, I mean courage you’ve shown as a senior woman.  God is funny like that, isn’t she?  She gives and takes, and I think she must be REALLY old, don’t you?  

Oh.  I’d devote this paragraph to senior sex, but I have nothing to report.  And, I’m not even sure that’s an injustice.


Yes, that old saying is so true.  Youth is wasted on the young.  That’s because they’re stupid.  You don’t get smart until you’re in your forties.  That is unless by then you got paranoid schizophrenia, accidentally went deaf and dumb, or married Donald Trump. Be that as it may, wisdom is wasted on the young.  We invented Dairy Queen, free sex, and peasant blouses.  We think The Secret is real and that the world will end, so who cares about how smart you are?  Really.  We only have about three years here to have some fun and max out our Citi Cards.

I guess I wouldn’t mind being young again as long as I can still know what I know now. When I was young I thought all grown-ups were smarter than I was just because they were older and had a cocktail in their hand.  Now I’m the older person with a cocktail in my hand and I’m just now figuring things out.  It took me 69 years to figure out that you have to do what your heart tells you to do and you can’t get spilled fingernail polish out of the carpet no matter what you do.

I know now that the young people of today don’t want to hear anything we seniors have to say.  They don’t’ want to listen to our well-learned lessons because they think we are relics who don’t know the first thing about Twitter, Facebook, or MySpace.  That’s good, because secretly we are taking over the internet and learning how to use it to rid the world of texting, a Hanna Montana reboot, and Japanese computer-generated avatars with big, huge eyes.  You can thank us for that one later.

And won’t you be surprised when suddenly the most important demographic becomes 60 to 80 years old instead of 18 to 24.  All programming, ads and products will be aimed at us and ‘90210-2.0’ will go off the air in favor of…’The Kominski Method’!!! So learn all your lessons yourselves, you young punks.  You’re on your own.


Tuesday, September 24, 2019

BEWARE the Scam!!!

If you live with your sister, put a LOCK on her phone...especially if she thinks that Publisher's Clearing House is going to give her money...ANY money!

Monday, September 9, 2019

Sayings We Should Have Learned...like..."NEVER SQUAT WHILE WEARING YOUR SPURS!"

I’ve been thinking about Will Rogers lately.  He was the cowboy humorist whose quote is the title of today’s posting...that and, “Never miss a good chance to shut up.”  Well, THAT one landed on deaf ears most certainly.  He’s gotten me to thinking about metaphors for wonderful sayings that are meant to both help you and make sense at the same time.  Perhaps a recap of common sense is warranted today.

“Never fall in love with a traveling, loner musician in his sixties who’s so stuck in his ways as to be the veritable tar baby.”  This saying might be too long and too detailed to serve as a common sense metaphor...okay, it’s not a metaphor at all, big deal...it’s TRUE!  Beyond, there be dragons.

Will also said, “Always drink upstream from the herd.”  Taken literally, we’d all save ourselves a lot of wasted work days and pain and suffering if we did this...like wearing those surgical masks that the Japanese people wear.  They’re not stupid.  Look at how many of them there are, probably because they never get sick.  I’m just saying.

Here’s another one of mine, “Never ever send an email to anyone unless you are absolutely CERTAIN that the recipient is the person to whom, and with whom you mean to communicate.” I suspicion that there is cyber head shaking, some ‘M-Hmm’s and some, ‘You got that right, sister’ going on over this common sense example. I’m speaking from experience, of course.

And, pertaining to growing older, Will had a few thoughts on that, so I will close with one that rang particularly true for me:

”When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.”


This is a very complex and intellectual list.  Frankly, I don’t understand some of them:

“Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.”
Now, why on earth would you want to slap a man, whether he is chewing tobacco or not?  Unless you just found out he cheated on you with that ugly-ass blonde from the grocery store lottery counter.

“Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.”
Now, why on earth would you ever want to kick a cow chip on a hot day?  First of all, what are you doing outside in a cow field on a hot day in the first place?  Get inside, turn on the air conditioning, and hire that kid at the neighboring pig farm to go rake up the cow shit.

“There are two theories to arguing with a woman.  Neither works.”
Am I missing something here?  What are the two theories?  Be specific.

“If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.”
What the hell?

“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.”
I fold my dollar bills twice, so I guess I quadruple my money.  But then I don’t put it back in my pocket.  I give it to the valet parker at the Four Seasons so he won’t know right off that I’m only giving him one dollar.

“There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.”
I think there are four kinds of men.  What about the ones who learn by listening to women.  Oh, sorry….no such man.  How right you are.

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.”
I don’t get this at all.  Just don’t let the damn cat out of the bag in the first place.


“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.”
Okay, this is bullshit and would never happen to any woman over forty.

“The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.”
That’s not true.  And, the line for wrinkle creams and cellulite remover are getting longer and longer the more baby boomers turn 50.

“You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.”
This includes the man you are dating.

“One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.”
This is just bullshit.

“One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.”
Or how crummy – thank God, by then it’s over.

“Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.”
Not if you’re out in a cow field on a hot day.

“Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.”
Or baseball.

“If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.”
Yes you will.  You can laugh at your cats, your best friend’s new hairdo, or any movie with Keanu Reeves.

I’m thinkin’ that sal got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!!!  You okay, SalGal??


Monday, August 19, 2019

Time to revisit the age-old argument...to labor or not to labor on Labor Day!

Thursday, July 18, 2019


KK has done it!!  Not only is her comic mystery novel available on Amazon/Audible and in paperback, she actually NARRATED the damn thing!  Let's just call her audio style 'irreverent.' Yeah, that's it...maybe add 'sarcastic,' 'deeply melodic,' 'dramatic,' 'Texan,' and of course...SPOT ON!  

Her first audiobook review says it all...or most of it anyhoo:

Wildly entertaining and laugh out loud 

This is a crazy tale written and told by a gut-busting funny Texan, Kelly Jackson. The story itself is worthy but Jackson's narration brings it to life so we feel like we are there experiencing it all with her. The reading is dramatic and lively, but also comic and artistic. Ms. Jackson is a huge talent who does it all.

Sunday, June 23, 2019

Audiobook Narrations ARE US!!!

That's right!  SalGal and KK are branching out...for a fit that suits us like a glove.  We are brand new audiobook narrators.  Let's face it...we ARE characters, no question or arguments there, so we KNOW about characters, and we LOVE characters, and we have too much time on our hands, which is nothing new.

This is a wonderful outlet, aside from our 'written-word' madness...now, we can narrate YOUR written-word insanity or gravitas (and being happy while narrating sadness, death, tragedy takes SOME kind of talent...and a vodka martini at the end of a chapter or five!)...we GOT this!

All of us know SOMEONE who listens to audiobooks with but a few degrees of separation.  And, your homework for the day is to recommend us to any author whom you know who has written a book and wants to find the perfect VOICE for their story.

SPREAD THE WORD PEOPLE!!!  Contact KK at fencepostkelly@gmail.com / SalGal at actorsmuse@gmail.com

The Midlife Gals At the Mic!

Monday, May 13, 2019

Security Questions? JUST ASK US!!!

The Midlife Gals have been thinking...always a scary prospect...about 'security questions.' You know, the ones you have to make up for online security...or pick the default questions that some idiot thought up to REALLY trick the criminals. Here's our list:

Sal's Security Questions:

What is your favorite vodka?
The cheapest

What is your favorite curse word?
Dick head

What would be your ideal job?
Cocktail contest judge

What was the name of your kindergarten school?
Mother's walk-in closet/purse section

What do you sleep in?
Only step-ins/no jammies

What's your favorite food?
pâté de foie gras or a Frito Pie with extra cheese


KK's Security Questions:

In what location did you lose your virginity?
Parent's living room floor

What did you name your current automobile?

What goes with olives?
Seriously? Martinis...du'uh.

Which husband was your favorite?
Mr. 3
Now, if we can just remember our answers! 
KK and Sal