It's the Little Things You Notice...

Ever been in a packed elevator, standing behind someone who, although they probably bathed that morning...has not washed their hair in about 6 days?  It’s that ‘odor’ that permeates the immediate space around them...and anyone who is close enough to have a conversation.  I hate to say this, but it’s usually the mens who are guilty of this personal hygiene offense.  Guys, if you take the time to shave, WASH YOUR HAIR!

And, how about the person with whom you are conversing exhibiting that little string of saliva that goes from their top center lip to their bottom center lip.  It is impossible not to laser focus on that string.  It’s morbidly fascinating to watch as they talk, because you’re waiting for the string to break or just go away.  You want them to simply lick their lips, which would eliminate the problem, but they never do.  I have often been tempted to just reach to their mouth and peench it OFF!

Ear hair is bothersome to me...I mean, I don’t have ear hair...but I notice it on those who do...again...usually men.  It’s such a shame that there is no way to use a mirror to look into your ear.  You know who you are though, so buy one of those laser thingys that they sell for $19.95 on TV and get rid of your ear hair.  It’s just offputting.

Finally, don’t ever sniff your fingers while you’re talking to someone.  It doesn’t matter where those fingers have been.  This is just not something that one does in polite company. I used to ‘know someone’ who frequently rubbed his ear lobe, then sniffed his thumb and forefinger as they were pinched together.  It’s not something you can ask them about...”Honey, why do you sniff your fingers like that?”  I’ve just never been curious about how an ear lobe smells.

These are but a few, select, disgusting curiosities that have always intrigued me.  And you are probably, at this very moment, thinking of a few of your own!

Kelly
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I notice the big things.  I especially notice when big, fat women wear really tight Spandexish tank tops and shorts.  They have just given up.  Their muffin rolls around their wastes are bulging out, their arm fat is hanging down behind them to touch the roll, and they look like they are just proud as punch to be the biggest hippopotamus on the beer isle at ‘Safeway.’  Come on!  Have some pride!  I’m overweight too but I cover up my muffins with linen shirts, and I wouldn’t be caught dead in a pair of shorts.  You have so much cellulite on your thighs that it jiggles like the lime Jello you made for your Bubba-hubby for lunch at the Frisbee park.  So you think, ‘Oh, I know, I’ll just put on those day-glo, yellow, beach trunks that my man bought at the Disney Land gift shop in 1973,’ and hit the Safeway store for the afternoon’s daily sustenance.

I hate feet.  I have never seen a pretty pair of feet.  It seems like every person with funky toes and crusty heels feels like they need to wear flip flops so that everybody can see their contorted feet.  Sorry people, but putting on a pair of jewel-encrusted flip flops is not going to help the fact that your feet look like a commercial for toe-mold jelly.  Put some shoes on for God’s sake!  Or at least put on some sandals that cover up that bunion that looks like the blunt end of a hammerhead.  I don’t want to see it sticking out from under the red-and-white-checked, plastic, table cloth while I’m trying to order baby-back ribs at Tony Roma’s.

And finally, women, after you take a nap in your Barco Lounger while snoozing through ‘The View,’ and you decide to run to the dry cleaners to pick up your 86-year-old mother’s 27 house dresses, remember to fluff out the back of your hair so that your bald spot doesn’t show and your hair isn’t flattened into what looks like a crop circle.  It just bugs me.

Try harder to present yourself to the world in a way that is marginally acceptable.  I’m just sayin.’

Salgal

Valentine's Day, Shmalentine's Day

Don’t you worry about The Midlife Gals.  We always have BIG plans for Valentine’s Day.  So, go to your parties, have your romantic dates...even have SEX if you want to, really, we’re so alright.  We have um...each other.


Just get a load of our um homage to Valentine's Day in the video to your right on this page.  Join us for the day's hi-jinx!

XOXOXOXOX
KK and Sal

Get a Glass of Chianti and Poke Around

Just so you all know...The Midlife Gals aren't just Fly-By-Nighters, here.  We have chops and a small but rabid following!  Cases in point:

  THE MIDLIFE GALS ®  Hysterical History / Resume

July, 2007 - We didn’t know what a blog was.

August, 2007 - Posted our first essay on The Midlife Gals ® blog

( http://www.themidlifegals.com ).

October, 2007 - Approached by MORE Magazine about featuring us in an article.

January, 2008 - MORE Magazine article on the stands with our feature as one of four blogs mentioned / Women of the Blogosphere, page 30  / Jan/Feb issue.

March, 2008 - Entered video contest for The Greenlight Awards through an online video company, On Networks which was represented at the South by Southwest Film Festival.

March, 2008 - Selected as one of four finalists for The Greenlight Award in the category of best original digital series concept for the videos we produce of ourselves on The Midlife Gals ® blog.

April, 2008 - Approached by a very large online health network, The Health Central Network, to produce humorous videos and blogs for their website.   http://www.healthcentral.com/stop-smoking/c/55817/profile

April 2008 - Our video, ‘The Jazzy Scooter Barrel Race’ won runner-up award and was featured on the Emmy award-winning program, Docubloggers.

April, 2008 - Wrote, produced and acted in a fifteen-minute situation comedy pilot, The Cowpoke’s Ball, based on The Midlife Gals ® for network and/or cable distribution.

May, 2008 - Interviewed for large article in local newspaper, Masters of Their Domain / June, 08 issue / The Austin American Statesman.

August, 2008 – Asked by the Director of Programming to host a weekly, one- hour radio show, ‘The Midlife Gals; Necessary Insanity,’ on BlogTalkRadio  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/TheMidlifeGals

September, 2008 – Signed with literary agent, Frank Breeden of Premiere Authors for our book, The Midlife Gals; Necessary Insanity.

November, 2008 – Article in Austin American Statesman / social column, “Out and About” about The Midlife Gals’ fame.

December, 2008 – The Midlife Gals’ website featured as one of Austin’s best websites / Austin Monthly magazine / Keep Austin Wired / page 134 / Dec. issue.

December, 2008 – Launch of new YouTube video show , The Midlife Gals; Necessary Insanity.  Think Carol Burnet on meth.

http://www.youtube.com/user/TheMidlifeGals

December, 2008 – KK and Sal acted in an independent film, “Ultimate’s Guide to Flight,” directed by Scott Meyers of Entertainment Think Tank.

March, 2009 – The Midlife Gals video picked as part of Reel Women’s film showcase at South by Southwest Film Festival, Austin, TX.

April, 2009 – Asked to be regular writers for More Magazine online.

May, 2009. Also producing and starring in a weekly twisted video column for More.

September, 2009 – Featured as two of Austin American Statesman’s “Fortunate 500” (media category).

February, 2010 – Featured in two national commerciasl for Charter Communications

March, 2010 – Two videos in SouthSlam Festival during SXSW, Austin, TX.

Awards - ”Best Slapstick Comedy”  -

Side Effects - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmROZYrdJHg

and “Best Situational Comedy” – Dating in the Eighties Dot Com - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCfrnSiz57E  

March, 2010 – Featured in an article in the Wall Street Journal/March 27^th/”When Siblings Step Up” http://tinyurl.com/yjesd6a

April, 2010 – Featured in Austin Monthly magazine/page 96/”How to Be Happy in Midlife”

July, 2010 – In an Internet commercial for AOL Travel.com

September, 2010 – Part of ensemble cast In an indie film, The Man From Orlando

October, 2010 – Part of ensemble cast in movie, Ultimate Guide to Flight, premiering at Austin Film Festival / director-Scott Meyers

November, 2010 – On Good Morning America in the video series: Your Three Words (disguised as sisters!)

November, 2010 – Featured in Boston Globe about caregiving, with our video Caregiving The Ancient One:

http://www.boston.com/community/blogs/fiftyshift/2010/11/its_national_family_caregivers.html

March, 2011 – Part of an ensemble cast in movie, Day of Delusions / director-Scott Meyers

October, 2011  - AUSTIN AMERICAN STATESMAN / Nominated again for Michael Barnes’ “Out & About 500” most influential Austinites - Media category

December, 2011 -  AUSTIN AMERICAN STATESMAN / Tales of The City feature: Essays by the Midlife Gals on our impending move to Hawaii

February, 2012 – Featured in a Purina Cat Chow national Internet commercial

April, 2012 – Interview and article with The Midlife Gals on large site, SecondActs.com…’The Midlife Gals Take Hawaii’ http://www.secondact.com/2012/04/the-midlife-gals-take-hawaii/

November, 2012 - The Midlife Gals partner with national grass roots group, NoLabels.org to make funny videos about politics and all the things that don’t work...should be a piece of cake.

December, 2012 – Featured on PBS from Growing Bolder website TV show about boomers.  We’re 10 mins 13 secs into the show. http://tv.growingbolder.com/episodes/on-a-mission/

April, 2013 – Asked to become core video contributors for new baby boomer women’s video website, WHOA! Network, launched by Lynn Forbes of BlogHer and Darryl Pollack.

July, 2013 – Interviewed by Feisty Side of Fifty on BLogTalkRadio. http://feistysideoffifty.com/2013/07/12/the-midlife-gals/ 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Everyone is making resolutions, and we’re certainly not to be left out of that exercise.  We had a pretty spectacular 2014, and anticipating a brilliantly positive 2015...why?  Because WE CAN!

I resolve:

1. to visualize, when the trade winds are blowing me off my feet, the palm trees are doin’ the hula 

2. to be patient with SalGal when she tells me the same story for the 63rd time, knowing that the story I just told her, which triggered her old story, was one that I had told her at least 141 times before. 


3. to keep in my memory bank the feelings of what it’s like to have a crush...with a flush in the cheek, the adrenaline, loss of appetite...and the seventeen red flags that come with another ‘wrong’ man.

4. to welcome every new wrinkle, skin tag, mole, brown spot, stray hair where it most certainly shouldn’t be, swollen ankle, toe bending in a new direction, abscessed gum and/or new acreages of cellulite.

5. to stop myself from straightening paintings in other people’s homes.

6. to start paying more attention to signs...both on the roads and in my head.

7. to wish more, stifle less.

8. to broaden my scope, embracing every new experience with arms open and a full scream of ‘BRING IT ON!!”

9. to have more faith that we humans can actually save the planet.

10. to always see magical shapes in the clouds

.......There!  That ought to do it, serve me well, keep me sane and allow for modifications and/or expansions as the new year progresses!

KK

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New Year’s Resolutions are a drag.  I make them but I’m not making any promises.  A resolution is a decision, a determination, a solution, an expression of collective opinion…nowhere does its definition mention anything about a promise.  I’m just sayin’.

1.I will do my feet and toenails more often. Middle-aged feet are really ugly…gargoylish.  Heel balm and ‘Dragon’s Blood Red’ do wonders if you stay on top of it.

2.I will not cheat as much on the New York Times crossword puzzles.

 

3.I will erase most of the original ‘Twilight Zone’ shows on the DVR so that KK can get ‘The CBS Sunday Morning Show,’ ‘Meet The Press’ and ‘Locked Up Abroad’ back on the list.

4.I will not get mad at bad drivers.  They can’t help it if they’re stupid.  I just have to watch out for them and have ‘aloha.’

5.I will not put so much salt on my popcorn at the movies.

Okay, fuck it, that’s it. I’m done.

SalGal

Happy TurkleweenThanksmas!

 

Here's a post that is bothly timely and universal (November 2010)

You’ve probably bought your turkey for Thanksgiving by now, yes?  Good, because these holidays happen FAST!  Before you’ve even dismantled the blow-up pumpkin with Casper inside, it’s time to buy the rust-colored fake dry leaves to adorn the Thanksgiving table where the turkey will make its appearance...for about 3.5 minutes before it too will be ‘dismantled’ into our stomachs until there are only bones left.  I realize that was kind of a long sentence, but it’s like these holidays...they just go on and on, bleeding into each other until Jan 1...after the black-eyed peas have been presented and devoured for good luck.  Then, and only then can we really relax.

I advise everyone to just wear black during these holidays.  That way, you can adorn yourself with accessorized color depending on which holiday.  Black and orange for Halloween...given.  Save the orange and mix it with rust, dull green and chocolate brown and you’re good to go with your black outfit for T’Day.  And, the black will be the perfect backdrop for the ridiculous Christmas tree brooches, tree light necklaces and candy cane leggings.  We’ve all just gone too far, wouldn’t you agree???

It’s really difficult to explain holidays to cats.  They are stupefied by a pumpkin and insulted by the requisite scary black cat with its back arched around All Hallow’s Eve.  They wind up on the kitchen counter eating every scrap available as we’re at the Thanksgiving table doing the same thing, but with forks.  And, the only thing they like about Christmas are the empty gift boxes and the tissue strewn all over the room.  They just don’t understand why we don’t leave all that stuff out every day.  You can’t explain interior decoration to them either...goes right over their tiny heads.

So, if you haven’t started feeling overwhelmed by the dizzying holiday seasons, you’re behind!  Get stressed, pissed off, bah-humbugged before it’s too late!

KK

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Oh, I love the holidays too.  That’s partly because I love empty boxes (especially decorated ones), sneaking bites of the turkey left on the kitchen counter, and playing with new toys.  The cats and I are exactly alike.  If I could hide in a box or take a long nap in a shaft of sunlight, I would do that too.

I put a scary witch and some spiders on the screen door for Halloween.  KK told me I was really lame, but she doesn’t’ understand how much fun it is to scare little kids.  I wish we could scare little kids at Thanksgiving too, but I’ll just have to settle for a pumpkin by the front door and a six-foot-tall-blow-up turkey in the front yard.  Decorations are a must for all holidays, as Austin needs to uphold its reputation for weirdness, and all of its denizens must contribute to this tradition.  Any kind of yard-art or door-wreath plasticity is highly encouraged by the population of this city.  Televisions perched in trees are a mainstay for Christmas decorations and if yours actually turns on, you are considered a genius.

I look forward to Christmas and all of its good cheer and fake snow in the windows downtown.  Of course, people in Austin go all out to celebrate the birth of Jesus, and Santa Claus seems to embody this festivity more than nativity scenes on the lawns or even lit-up ‘Our Lady of Guadalupes’ in the windows.  I hate Santa Claus…mainly because I sat in the lap of one when I was about three years old and his stale, smokey, bourbon breath almost knocked me into the fake bag of presents by the elf.  Even worse than that though was the fact that he had black stubble under his white beard, and then he handed me a scary doll that made me think of my best friend’s mother.  That was not good.  My best friend’s mother looked like Ed Sullivan.

But I digress.  I need to go into the decoration box in the garage and pull out the three-foot-tall papier mache monk holding the cornucopia overflowing with gourds and berries, and put the Christmas lights around him and put him in the window so people can see how involved we are in the holiday spirit.  Then I ‘m going to go hide in a box and lick my cat’s head.

SalGal

Vote or Die!!!

This post was written by moi in November, 2012, and is re-presented here in honor of voting day on Nov. 4th.  Hehehe............

Our polling place on election day was at Thomas Jefferson Elementary School in the cafeteria.  There were about 50 people inside, including the 25 election volunteers and ‘officials.’  Our first election in Hawaii.  Of course, the weather was perfect, with the electorate in flip flops and casual cottons.  We parked right out front, and there was no line.  Easy peasy.

Then, towards the end of the day, they ran out of paper ballots.  How can a state run out of paper ballots?  Wouldn’t it seem prudent to err on the side of ordering more than the numbers you might estimate?  That’s just me, though.  They allowed voters to use the only ballots they had left...ones in a FOREIGN LANGUAGE!  Now that I think about it, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are probably written the same in any language...but still.

And, what in the hell is wrong with Florida?  I think they screw up on purpose, just to get the attention of the nation...remember the hanging chads?  I believe that as of today, Florida has yet to certify their ballots.  Really?  If Hawaii can use foreign-language ballots and get their results in on time, why does Florida get to wait?  Archaic systems would be the description of our state-by-state voting regulations...a cluster fuck, to be sure.

After we voted, we went to lunch, where Sally ordered the Lame Duck.  I had Pork-Belly stew to start, then enjoyed some Corruption Mousse for dessert.  Sal ordered the Humble Pie, and as we left, the lobby was filled with...you guessed it...lobbyists!

Now, we’re just hoping we won’t have to rent a hang glider for the fiscal cliff.  That’s why we joined No Labels... http://NoLabels.org to stem the tide of bipartisanship and bring civility and progress back to the workings of Congress!  Take a look at them, join up...and we’ll be able to pull the ‘grass roots’ up from underneath our representatives and congresspeople!

Love,

KK

PS- Sal is sick with a hed code, so she hasn’t a thing to add here! It’s all MINE!!

TRICK OR TREAT, DAMMIT!

Original posting Friday, October 29, 2010

Oh goodie! A full day dedicated to scaring small children! Sal and I don’t usually wait until Halloween to scare the wee ones. And, we’re immune to guilt, accusation or shame, because we’re childless by choice.

We know it’s not right to scare children, especially the very small, defenseless, trusting ones. If we were mentally stable, we would be remorseful the next day, but that hasn’t happened yet. Unfortunately, now-a-days, the parents feel compelled to accompany their children while trick or treating. That’s just wrong. Our parents were out at Halloween parties in fully frightful yet stylish costumes, drinking and smoking, with nary a moment given wondering what horrors their children were being exposed to. That was the fifties. Nobody cared. They assumed that the world (or west Texas in our case) was not a dangerous place. They were right. We were out being scared shitless by the whack-a-doos (much like SalGal and I), who lived for this date, who worked on their costumes, dry-ice smoke wafting across the porch, zombies creeping up on them before they could even get to the door, etc. It’s a sad commentary, isn’t it, when you can’t let your children out for a night of life-altering fear? It shapes a person.

 Love, KK **************************

 I love Halloween, the little, baby bumblebees, the neighborhood witches, the local zombies. And then there are the kids in their costumes. Good times. I have gone to the grocery store and stocked up on orange Reese’s Peanut Butter cups and eyeball jawbreakers. Later tomorrow I will get the candy for the kids. Oh, and the vodka. It’s just more fun with a martini next to the giant Jack-O-Lantern I got for the front window. And, I figure I can put a red light in it and white beard and Santa hat and use it again for Christmas.

It’s all about ‘gaudy’ as far as holiday decorations are concerned, and I am not one to be left out of the artistic displays of lit-up tackiness. The neighbors down the street have a huge, blow-up decoration in their front yard. It’s a big, Casper the ghost with a gigantic pumpkin. This is good because, but for these audacious balloon monstrosities, the teenagers would have no fun at all on Halloween night. I wish I could go with them when they sneak out of their windows in the dead of night to prowl around the hood, puncturing all of the blow-up decorations and toilet-papering the cheerleaders’ houses.

 Oh, yeah, we know who all the cheerleaders in the neighborhood are because their houses look like ghosts got shredded in the trees and their Jack-O-Lanterns have penises the next day. Come to think of it, screw the goblins and peacock toddlers, Halloween is really for teens….and women with martinis.

SalGal